Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

I tried to make a little webcam vlog shindig via my blatantly super enthusiastic voice — but, alas, something went amiss and the audio isn’t being captured. wonk wonk. Which means — I’ll blog it! … for now . I want to make a giddy vlog about this, too, damnit. In the meantime… I just made my final payment for surgery. It is now paid for and the way swell “receptionist” ( This is entirely surreal. To actually have it paid for and to know, for sure, this is happening. I can’t thank everyone enough who has donated, helped with my fund-raiser, and supported me throughout all of this. If I could cry (I haven’t once since transitioning - wtf!), I would. ;)

I just finished presenting my summer research project at the McNair Scholars Symposium today! I got to wear a fo’ real real suit for the first time ever! It’s astounding how many times one gets called “handsome” in a suit versus basketball shorts. Bah. Then on to Berkeley next week to present again (and then surgery!!). Almost… done… relief… so, close… :)

is in 15 days !

My apologies in advance for this boring post - but school right now. Seriously. As a McNair Scholar , most of my time these past two months has been spent with a research group following adolescents around in a park with a clipboard coding for instances of aggression. Now that we’re finished with that creeper good time, this week things got real. Hence less blogging fun happy time. Starting next Monday, my group and I will be spending 8 hours a day for three days in a row presenting our research over and over… and over… where it (and our presentation styles) will be thoroughly critiqued by our super McNair-lovin’ faculty. But, I absolutely fear public speaking. Due to this, I have spent the majority of my years avoiding things like, uh, presenting — at all costs. But in academia land, I've learned something very important: There is no escape. Aside from whining, this really is an amazing opportunity that will help me in the long-run. I’m crossing my fingers that this w...

2 years & 6 months on Testosterone Cypionate. Started at 0.5 mL every 2 weeks for my first year, then went up to 0.6 mL every 2 weeks. As of 1 month ago, I am now on 0.5 mL every week.

Just made my $600 second-to-last payment for my surgery! Let me reiterate: second to last . As in, my LAST payment for my surgery that is REALLY happening. I only have 299 dollars remaining until my surgery is paid for. I can’t believe that I’m this close. I remember not too long ago staring down the barrel of $6,000-$8,000 surgery, plus cost of board and travel. It just seemed, insurmountable to me. But through the discovery of a local surgeon and from all of the broke ass student saving up and support I’ve received, it’s really happening. I’m really $299 and 27 days away from a surgery that will positively alter my self-esteem - my life - in ways that I’ve never experienced and can barely imagine. Wow. I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude to everyone who has helped me get to this point. All of the enthusiasm, solidarity, and support has been indescribably touching, inspiring, and… just, thank you!!

This site is “dedicated to raising funds for surgeries necessary for Carter’s transition” - an FTM graduate student lacking mula and the support of his parents. His friends created this site to help him and have included a donate button, bracelets for sell, and even better - they’ve designed a series of mega-epic t-shirts (with more designs to come). The highlights: The cute factor of this slays me. How wily! This is, by far, one of the most adorably impressive trans fund-raisers I’ve ever stumbled across. Even though I’m hoarding all of my pennies for my very own surgery in 28 days !!!!!!, I had to contribute. I’ll try to abstain from such things until after my own freakin’ surgery. Irresistible, though. SUPPORT!

sassafrasish asked: Hey, I've been looking at the transgender tag and noticed we have the same surgery date for erm, surgery. 11th August. Well, good luck mate. I like your countdown to surgery calender. Far more impressive than my pastel coloured paper chain. Now that is kinda bad ass. And as impressive as a cardboard calendar full of coconut juice might be, pastel colored paper chains are CLASSIC and definitely a worthy impressiveness competitor. ;P Anyway, I’m excited that I get to share my traniversary with you! Congratulations! How do you intend to celebrate???

Today marks the beginning of my 1 month countdown to top surgery on August 11th. I need to get one of those little Christmas “advent” calendars with doors in it that I can open every day to retrieve a celebratory getting-closer treat! Less like this: And more like this: … but with deliciously crack-like Coconut Juices within instead of beer. I can’t believe that this surgery, which I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember, is actually, fo’ real real and not fo’ play play, only one month away . I’ve never experienced this kind of anticipation and excitement before and just… the reality of it hasn’t quite sunken in yet. It’s just, so unreal. And riveting. And indescribable. p O p!

Onwards to my delayed Day 6 of this ridiculous 30 day task that my friend, Aaron, duped me into joining him on. Speaking of Aaron - yesterday him and I went out to Provo (just to give you an idea - Provo is the hub of Brigham Young University, which is a private college operated by the LDS Church and home to their largest missionary training center) to explore a potential top surgeon. Some time ago he had called around to various plastic surgeons in Utah asking who would be willing to do top surgery - and this guy said yes. So he asked me to join him and off we went. After a lot of driving and exiting the room once the surgeon wanted to take breast photos, the experience was a really positive one. The staff were all really careful to use masculine pronouns with him, expressed support, asked how he preferred to spell his name for their records, etc. We were both impressed - up until the price. Almost $8,000 dollars ! Despite the risk of being this doctor’s first-time FTM patient, tha...

shadesofmidnight-deactivated201 asked: Hullo. :D Not much of a question here, just had to drop in and say you are adorable. Aw, thank you! I’m following your tumblr now btw, which appears to be in its infancy. Keep posting - it’s great so far!

thisisntabloganymoreok-deactiva asked: it's a ways off, but i hope your surgery goes well. i wish i could be as definitive about my gender, but hopefully that will change with age. In contrast to the years I’ve wanted this to happen and felt entirely hopeless about it, next month is not in the slightest “a ways off”. It’s just around the corner and I absolutely can’t wait. Thank you! With gender, I actually wouldn’t say I’ve ever been all that definitive about it. I identified as genderqueer before and I do now (and as a trans male; but that came a little later) - but mostly because I feel like there isn’t really language yet that’s anywhere near encompassing the spectrum of gender identities and sexes that actually exist outside of the binary “male/female” dichotomy. BUT, what I have been definitive about is the very blatant dysphoria between my mind and anatomy. Which, for me, has always felt much closer to the realm of something like phantom limb syndrome - which is a se...

cantexplainjey asked: any reason your dose was .6cc every two weeks? It was 0.6 mL every 2 weeks and now it’s 0.5 mL every week . Reason being that my doctor dictates the amount I inject based on my panel results (i.e. levels of free testosterone, estrogen, etc.).

barefootrunaway asked: Your blog is incredible! Hope your upcoming surgery goes great :D Awww, thank you Sarah. I’m megapainfullyridiculouslynotevenfunny excited about it. Mills college eh? Love it there? Being an all-womens college, how are they about the whole FTM/trans/genderqueer/etc., shindig?

Today’s 30 Days to a Better Man task revolves around having gratitude: The ungrateful man is callous; he’s come to think that all the good things that happen to him and all the service rendered him are an automatic response to his impeachable awesomeness. He deserves all that stuff and more…. The grateful man is a humble man. He has no illusions of his grandeur. He knows that bad things happen to good people. He knows how easily a rally can turn into a slump. He knows how much worse off many others are than he is. He understands the sacrifices others make on his behalf. And he deeply, deeply appreciates them. ( art of manliness ) This is a vast improvement over yesterdays. I like it - since, ya know, gratitude is applicable to everyone. Today’s task is two-fold: (1) make a list of 10 things that you’re grateful for and (2) give 3 thank you’s to 3 different people today. Done and done.So here goes: I’m thankful for everyone who has taken it upon themselves to donate to my surge...

You may not have thought about testosterone much since your voice cracked while reciting Shakespeare in Mrs. Tonnelson’s ninth grade English class. ( art of manliness ) Well, maybe some men haven't, Art of Manliness . But for this guy? I kindasorta think about it quite a bit - even as my voice began cracking while singing Rock Band karaoke at age 27 or attempting to enthusiastically hoot during burlesque at the bar. Apparently, in order to increase one's T, I'm supposed to: Sleep at least 8 hours a night Don't smoke Don't consume soy Meditate for at least 10 minutes Lift weights Eat a serving of good fat Eat a serving of animal protein Eat a serving of cruciferous vegetables Have morning sex (does partner-less count?) So, everything is all said and good, minus the "don't consume soy" and the "eat a serving of animal protein" crap. First , the soy-increases-estrogen hoopla is bunk . A meta-analysis conducted in 2009 was publishe...

Life as an uninsured trans college student saving up for an expensive surgery is about three things: Hilariously shitty horror movies, mooching, and being broke. Since I have been handing every other penny over to make sure the remainder of my surgery is paid for - and eating out requires access to grown-up money or mooching - I spend a lot of time at home watching shitty horror movies with my mother. Tonight we watched a British horror comedy which started with a bunch of divorced blokes and then quickly progressed into familiar territory: violent, bloody mayhem . This time? In a little village inhabited solely by zombie women. (Blimey roger! This slapper is mental! Let's scarper!) Even though I get the dry, sardonic wit thing, British humor escapes me for the most part. For example, what is rumpy pumpy ? I just, don't get it. Still, gore + mom + staying in ='s great saving ^ strategy. This is, of course, another I'm excited about my upcoming surgery on...

Today is Day 3 of this ridiculous 30 Days to a Better Man shindig Aaron convinced me to join him on. Today’s task? Find a mentor. Figuring out what it means to be a man can be tough. And it’s arguably tougher for men today, who are often more socially isolated, don’t have as many friends, and don’t have strong relationships with their fathers and other male relatives. It’s therefore more important than ever for every man to seek out mentors to help him navigate the complicated waters of manliness and life. I’m not sure what the Art of Manliness thinks it “means to be a man” - but, for me, it means being happy, healthy, and comfortable being who I am; an individual who is accepted and valued by society for being himself. Or hizself. Or zerself. Or.or.or. In a nutshell, the steps of today’s task are to: Pick an area in your where you think a mentor can help you and draw up a list of three potential mentors. Describe why you think they’d be good. By the end of the 24 ho...

Stemming from the logic that women notice shoes, the Day 2 task from Art of Manliness is to shine ma shoes ! Get out every pair of dress shoes that you own and get them all into ship shape condition. You never know when you’re going to need to don a pair, and the last thing you want to do is be ready to run at the door to an important meeting and realize that your shoes are in no condition to meet the public. Uh… since I don’t have “a few cans of Kiwi shoe polish” or dress shoes, I’ll opt to put a pair of my chucks into the washing machine. I’m sure that my bright white sneakers will, of course, contribute to my becoming a “better man”… perhaps not as much as the feel of driving around in my midlife crisis car in stiff n’ shiny high-end shoes - but, ya know. Close? Now here is a real stanly manly man: Look at them shiny shoes and that permeating aura of I’m-richer-than-you! Clearly he successfully completed the Art of Manliness’s 30 Day Guide to a Better Man ! I can’t wai...

I just can’t stop obsessing about my top surgery scheduled for August 11th . I just can’t. I’m trapped in a land of fantasy and anticipation. Every time I bicycle, I imagine how wonderful it’s going to feel to do so without a binder - to feel the wind against my skin. Swooooosh. I imagine going on hikes where I can breathe and my body can evaporate the heat. I imagine rain on my chest, going swimming, being able to go to the gym, not experiencing horrible acid reflux on a daily basis … but, most importantly, especially given the inevitable and relentless “side effects” of T? Getting my self-esteem put back together again. I know that surgery isn’t going to be a catch-all. A lot of emotional damage has come from living with such severe dysphoria for such a long ol’ time. But it’s, for sure, 87.4% closer. Which is close , if I do say so myself!

My apologies in advance for the pretty much inevitable fact that 99.2% of my blogging from now on up until August 11th is going to be related to my upcoming top surgery. You have been forewarned. I’ve been waiting for this for so.long. For some time there, it felt unattainable. Every time I’d get close, something would come along to thwart my progress. But this time around and with all of the support I’ve received from my friends and loved ones to make this happen? No thwarting! It’s happening ! Fo’ real real and not fo’ in my head play play! So, throughout this whole enthused about surgery shindig, I haven’t ever really disclosed the details of the specific procedure I’m bound for - the “ double incision mastectomy ”. With this method, incisions are made horizontally across each breast below the nipple: The skin is then peeled back so that the mammary glands and fatty tissue can be removed with a scalpel. scrape scrape scrape . Once the breast tissue has been scooped out, the...

So today is Day 1 of this “Be a Better Man in 30 Days” ridonkulous quest Aaron convinced me to join him on. Of course, I couldn’t resist. So here goes the first day of my “journey to becoming a better man!” The task of the day? Define my core values stemming from the question: “What’s truly important to me as a man?” I’m supposed to come up with five of these little suckers after weeding and prioritizing. So now, per The Art of Manliness instruction, I will turn my dopamine-inducing bounce house dancy music off and will spend the next 5 minutes in silence, pondering and jotting with a pen upon pad whatever comes to me. [[[[5 minutes later]]]] Dexter’s Core Values Compassion Empathy Non-Violence Honesty Sex Growth Happiness Fin! Whoa, feeling more manly already… ?

So yesterday I go to the coffee shop out in a mega-sprawled suburban area to study with my dad and friend, Gina. While bringing water to the pup, I noticed a cute bicycle: But, in a classic tale of appearances can be deceiving , upon closer inspection I notice the following: Right under “ Real Men Love Jesus ”, which is… ya know, all fine n’ good and interesting and all that. But then, on the other side: WHAT? How bizarre! Oh, not-downtown-Utah. Whhhyyyy.

By the way, I loved Harvey Katz (aka “Athens Boys Choir”) at Mestizo Cafe last night. He bounced back and forth between spoken word poetry and songs like Tranny Got Pack and Fagette. Lots o’ gaggle o’ faggle fun, for sure. My friend, Aaron, arrived with a finger puppet he’s named “Pirate Pete” who he has since created a Facebook fan page for to fill with mountains of beyond worthless Pirate Pete adventure photos. Oy. On another beyond worthless Aaron-related note, he has asked me to join him on a ridonkulous “Be a Better Man in 30 Days” excursion, created by this Art of Manliness blog . Wow. Of course - I can’t resist. We start tomorrow.

Impulse buy for my mother from my excursion to Farmers Market yesterday: This was my first chance to go to the Farmers Market this summer and it was a lot of fun. And I just couldn’t resist splurging on this little guy who had mother written all over him. He is now known as Sammy. Yesterday I got to peruse the market with my friend, Rachael, who beelined to every jewelry shack on the block - which was, literally, probably every 2nd or 3rd vendor cart. In years past I’d had absolutely no idea there were so many jewelry vendors. I was aghast. The closest I’d ever get to noticing jewelry otherwise is if someone had stuck Sammy (above) on a necklace. Which, by the way, would be an incredible necklace. Ooo, tonight, Athens Boys Choir (i.e. trans dude named Katz) is touring through Salt Lake City again! I’m excited and shall blog about it after. In other news, guess who has surgery next month, AUGUST 11TH ??? I’m so excited it pains me.