A few months ago I finally decided that I should see a counselor. For as long as I can remember I've been entirely physiologically disconnected from how my body started to develop throughout my teens. It's a silly and super simplified analogy, but it's like I hit puberty and suddenly a third arm started to grow from my torso and two extra eye balls grew into my head - meanwhile, my brain is mapped for two arms and two eyeballs. No matter what I do mentally to adjust to that third arm or those two extra eyeballs, my brain just won't get over feeling like it's all foreign and agonizing and doesn't belong.
So, back to reality and away from my silly and simplified sci-fi analogy - with my body, it's been that way for as long as I can remember. Consciously and socially, my body is awesome. But, on some subconscious level, it has always felt very foreign. Over time, this has been taking a huge toll on my self-esteem, on my ability to have intimate relationships, to even look at myself in the mirror.
So, I cracked. I got over my nonsensical pride issues and went in to start seeing a counselor. Through this, I ended up deciding that I've exhausted my mental mechanisms and have decided to start hormone therapy in order to get my body to a place where my mind can "connect" with it. And, I developed an awesome "transitioning plan" for myself that seems incredibly realistic, and something that can really work... and won't require hormone therapy forever. Here's the plan: I want to take it just long enough that I feel like I've achieved an "equilibrium" of sorts with my brain map, then transition to more natural methods for the rest of my life. Top surgery, yes - but no hysterectomy or ovary removal. I'm excited. I think it can work.
To my knowledge, most transmen who start hormone therapy do so forever, despite potential health risks that vary for each individual. Some guys end up having to stop taking it later on due to liver damage or other conditions. It's advised that within the first 3-5 years you should have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, otherwise the ovaries, theoretically, could develop similar symptoms as those seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) (And PCOS has been linked to increased risk of endometrial hyperplasia, and thus endometrial cancer, as well as ovarian cancer.) Then, if an individual has these surgeries, taking T becomes more essential - otherwise the body goes into a menopausal state and can't produce estrogen or testosterone on its own, which can then lead to bone problems. I have a lot to learn about all of this, but the little that I do know is concerning.
Since I'm this super drug-free nut and just can't stand the thought of hurting my poor body more than I have to, deciding to take T wasn't a decision I made lightly. It's this battle between my mental health and my physical health... but, here's my plan. My devious, just-might-work plan.
I'll take T for about 4 years, depending, and have top surgery within the next 2 years. At that point through taking T I'll have some secondary sex characteristics. For example, thickening of the vocal cords and deepening of the voice, facial hair growth, increased body hair growth, increased body musculature, cessation of menses, migration of body fat, increased sex drive, etc. Some of these will be irreversible. At this point I could stop taking T, then adopt other methods to help out with the factors that are reversible. I could continue working out, placing emphasis on certain "feminine" areas to keep my body as straight as possible. I could take a number of pills that will more naturally affect my physique, like perhaps a body fat reducer called Hydroxycut, B Complex pills, magnesium, zinc, multivitamins, flax seed oil, CLA, ZMA, etc. I'll figger it out. I think this could work.
For me, this doesn't have much to do with gender, or how anyone perceives my gender. Still, in regards to gender since it comes up, I don't identify as a "woman" now, or a "man", and probably never will. I think the gender binary thing is silly and those aren't the only options that exist naturally or socially. I feel much more comfortable with genderqueer.
It's not my body's fault that my mind doesn't relate to it. They went down opposite paths and I'm going to help them meet in the middle. And shake hands. And hug. With as little risk as possible.
ps: my first T injection was on the 11th. I just had my prescription filled that will last me for the next 6 months - 100mg of Testosterone Cypionate every 2 weeks, injection via a 25g syringe into any muscle. So far I've noticed increased activity in my oil glands. I have to shower more often. Boo.
So, back to reality and away from my silly and simplified sci-fi analogy - with my body, it's been that way for as long as I can remember. Consciously and socially, my body is awesome. But, on some subconscious level, it has always felt very foreign. Over time, this has been taking a huge toll on my self-esteem, on my ability to have intimate relationships, to even look at myself in the mirror.
So, I cracked. I got over my nonsensical pride issues and went in to start seeing a counselor. Through this, I ended up deciding that I've exhausted my mental mechanisms and have decided to start hormone therapy in order to get my body to a place where my mind can "connect" with it. And, I developed an awesome "transitioning plan" for myself that seems incredibly realistic, and something that can really work... and won't require hormone therapy forever. Here's the plan: I want to take it just long enough that I feel like I've achieved an "equilibrium" of sorts with my brain map, then transition to more natural methods for the rest of my life. Top surgery, yes - but no hysterectomy or ovary removal. I'm excited. I think it can work.
To my knowledge, most transmen who start hormone therapy do so forever, despite potential health risks that vary for each individual. Some guys end up having to stop taking it later on due to liver damage or other conditions. It's advised that within the first 3-5 years you should have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, otherwise the ovaries, theoretically, could develop similar symptoms as those seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) (And PCOS has been linked to increased risk of endometrial hyperplasia, and thus endometrial cancer, as well as ovarian cancer.) Then, if an individual has these surgeries, taking T becomes more essential - otherwise the body goes into a menopausal state and can't produce estrogen or testosterone on its own, which can then lead to bone problems. I have a lot to learn about all of this, but the little that I do know is concerning.
Since I'm this super drug-free nut and just can't stand the thought of hurting my poor body more than I have to, deciding to take T wasn't a decision I made lightly. It's this battle between my mental health and my physical health... but, here's my plan. My devious, just-might-work plan.
I'll take T for about 4 years, depending, and have top surgery within the next 2 years. At that point through taking T I'll have some secondary sex characteristics. For example, thickening of the vocal cords and deepening of the voice, facial hair growth, increased body hair growth, increased body musculature, cessation of menses, migration of body fat, increased sex drive, etc. Some of these will be irreversible. At this point I could stop taking T, then adopt other methods to help out with the factors that are reversible. I could continue working out, placing emphasis on certain "feminine" areas to keep my body as straight as possible. I could take a number of pills that will more naturally affect my physique, like perhaps a body fat reducer called Hydroxycut, B Complex pills, magnesium, zinc, multivitamins, flax seed oil, CLA, ZMA, etc. I'll figger it out. I think this could work.
For me, this doesn't have much to do with gender, or how anyone perceives my gender. Still, in regards to gender since it comes up, I don't identify as a "woman" now, or a "man", and probably never will. I think the gender binary thing is silly and those aren't the only options that exist naturally or socially. I feel much more comfortable with genderqueer.
It's not my body's fault that my mind doesn't relate to it. They went down opposite paths and I'm going to help them meet in the middle. And shake hands. And hug. With as little risk as possible.
ps: my first T injection was on the 11th. I just had my prescription filled that will last me for the next 6 months - 100mg of Testosterone Cypionate every 2 weeks, injection via a 25g syringe into any muscle. So far I've noticed increased activity in my oil glands. I have to shower more often. Boo.
I'm glad that you are doing what you want with your own life. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you!! :) Yay!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks you little sweet beans you!
ReplyDeleteI think it's kickass that you're able to grasp the possibility of a third option- since some people would never be satisfied with the "real man" thing once they get there anyway.
ReplyDeletevery fascinating. I *kind of* relate cause I've recently decided to embark on what will probably be a two plus year journey of bodily change myself. I'm restoring part of what was taken from me as a baby, my foreskin! Basically, constant gentle tension stimulates mitosis and therefore one can, over time, grow a "faux skin" that most people would never know wasn't the original. If you happen to know people who care about this and want doctors to stop mutilating little baby boys, maybe we could protest some hospitals or something. The more I learn, the angrier and more disgusted I get. :/
ReplyDeletePistons: That's really neat. I had no idea that it was possible to do something about that. And yes, it is really awful how socially acceptable it is to mutilate little babies in a variety of ways - intersex babies being "corrected", foreskins being hacked off under the guise of health. Crazy, crazy world we're livin' in.
ReplyDeleteHi, I would like to know how this goes. I am also a tranny boy, but I ID as more gender queer. I have been on a low dose of T cream for 4 weeks now and like you, don't plan to do it forever. Primarily just long enough for my "look" to become a bit more masculine and for my voice to deepen (damn voice ALWAYS gives me away as female). I haven't had any surgeries however, I do want top eventually. Like you though, I don't plan on having my internal female organs removed. My voice is already changing, which is good. I don't plan on taking T for over 6 months to a year though. Good blog!
ReplyDeleteAnderson: Hey there! I'm actually reconsidering my transition plan. The predicament being that, after experiencing what it feels like to connect with my body like this, more and more every day - even things like increased musculature, the psychological differences, etc. - it's becoming increasingly difficult to imagine having anything reverse. I can't help but think about the possibility of a hysterectomy, about how to possibly afford it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure. I want to know how yours goes, too!