I'm no longer feeling like the grime mopped off a slaughterhouse floor to make hot dogs. I'm not entirely the most energetic yet, but I'm definitely feeling my mind clicking back into action and my body feels like peddling around furiously, even in today's snow storm.
This is a good thing.
I canceled today's appointment with my hormone doctor after it dawned on me that my prescription allows for more refills. I'm not really hip to the prescribed medicine jive yet, see. Getting the hang of it. Still, I wanted an appointment for the prescription, but also to talk about my concerns surrounding a predicted buildup of endometrial tissue (which is usually shed during menstruation - I believe this most recent one was my last, or very near to last), especially during the first few years. I want to ask her about taking progesterone every so often to shed the excess endometrial tissue as a preventative measure.
It's a bit tricky, trying to achieve a compromise between my mismatched physiological and physical states, especially where it might not even be possible.
It's quite the conundrum, hitting a wall in regards to spending years doing everything I could fathom to mentally ignore then cope with this disconnect, which very obviously became a losing battle. Having my mental health deteriorate compelled me to finally acknowledge that the only way out was to transition and put my poor body through a physical loop.
Mentally, it doesn't at all feel like a loop. It's exhilarating to finally tangibly experience hope and more connection every single day.
Health-wise, however, I'm essentially in a generation of transitioning guinea pigs where doctors are incredibly vague and almost literally incapable of predicting what's going to happen and what health consequences are myth or real.
We're a really small population to begin with and many trans men do undergo a hysterectomy/oophorectomy early in their hormonal treatment, which makes the study of long-term testosterone effects difficult. All you can do is use common sense, the experiences of others, and current knowledge to make plausible predictions.
For one and as I've mentioned in earlier posts, I know that extended testosterone therapy usually results in infertility. Okay, not a problem. Bonus. But, I also know that a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus) and oophorectomy (surgical removal of the ovaries) are recommended within the first 5 years of starting testosterone therapy because there is some concern orienting around ovaries developing similar symptoms as those seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
Even though I'm very uncomfortable with having a menstrual cycle (i.e. not mapped for it to happen.), it's one thing that I could ignore well enough to live with. And something that, without an expensive hysterectomy and taking T for the rest of my life, I'll need to have for my body to produce hormones naturally.
I want to somehow successfully accomplish keeping my ovaries and uterus functioning throughout these next 5 or so years while I'm taking testosterone. To get as many irreversible secondary sex characteristics as my body can muster in that period of time then, if all goes to plan, do my best to control what's reversible (with body fat redistribution, for example, I could keep it as low as possible in the healthiest ways I know how by eating healthier, taking fat reduction pills, working out, etc.)
It'll work.
I'm predicting that my biggest hurdle is going to be resisting the urge to never stop taking T. Even though it's only about 2 months into my transition I'm already feeling increasing doubt in my ability to endure having anything reversed.
In my ability to resist how wonderful it would feel, mentally, to have a hysterectomy and to continue watching my body change in ways that feel right and whole physiologically. In my ability to resist how difficult it's becoming to stick to my promise to compromise, to ween myself off. Imagining what it's going be like after all of that time to watch my body go from the most connected I've ever experienced to forcing it to revert in many ways to how it once was before transitioning.
Still, I can compromise and I will.
In the meantime, I will continue having traumatizing Pap smears and will immediately see my doctor if I experience any irregular bleeding (which could be a sign of cancer), cramping, or pain.
Speaking of blood and pain, I saw the Friday the 13th remake on, well, Friday the 13th. It was entirely bad ass, yet also a couple sandwiches short of a picnic (a trap setting, lair-living, seemingly intelligent-esque Jason? Wha?).
Two friends I saw it with were in so much agony I almost felt guilty coercing them into it. One was my poor roommate who was already pooped out from screaming before the title of the movie even showed up on the screen. Soon after she was just in a traumatized-looking quivering ball with a jacket over her head, one eye peeping out through one of the button holes. A hand would occasionally pop out of the jacket ball to pinch and grab at my arm.
Jason Voorhees, see, has always been my favorite 80s slash n' hacker. It was in the first Friday the 13th that I was exposed to the amazing special effects of a makeup artist named Tom Savini, who was once quoted as saying, "Film is a truly magical medium. You can create illusions of reality, make people think they've seen things that they really haven't -- like blowing a guy's head off with a shotgun."
So frickin' true. I love it. I even named a foster pup of mine Savini which, surprisingly, actually makes a pretty cute pup name. She had the worst attention span and, in order to get her attention before asking her to do something, I'd say, "Super mega puppy Savini transform! Confirm strategy: [insert sit/shake here]". I didn't realize how ridiculous that was until she was adopted and I had to explain the above to her new guardians. Hum de dum...
Anyway, I remember watching Jason Voorhees briskly walking about Camp Crystal Lake or Manhattan crashing teenage hump parties with his machete. First, I'd think, "How are these amazing illusions being made? I want to learn how to do this." Second, I wanted to grow up to be as tall and big as Jason. When I hit my growth spurt in junior high and hit 5'11'' I felt super giddy and optimistic about getting big like Jason Voorhees, and maybe, just maybe, I could be him every single Halloween!
Alas, I didn't grow any taller than 5'11'', which, to a young trans kid wanting to become as big and bad ass as Jason Voorhees, doesn't seem tall at all.
This is a good thing.
I canceled today's appointment with my hormone doctor after it dawned on me that my prescription allows for more refills. I'm not really hip to the prescribed medicine jive yet, see. Getting the hang of it. Still, I wanted an appointment for the prescription, but also to talk about my concerns surrounding a predicted buildup of endometrial tissue (which is usually shed during menstruation - I believe this most recent one was my last, or very near to last), especially during the first few years. I want to ask her about taking progesterone every so often to shed the excess endometrial tissue as a preventative measure.
It's a bit tricky, trying to achieve a compromise between my mismatched physiological and physical states, especially where it might not even be possible.
It's quite the conundrum, hitting a wall in regards to spending years doing everything I could fathom to mentally ignore then cope with this disconnect, which very obviously became a losing battle. Having my mental health deteriorate compelled me to finally acknowledge that the only way out was to transition and put my poor body through a physical loop.
Mentally, it doesn't at all feel like a loop. It's exhilarating to finally tangibly experience hope and more connection every single day.
Health-wise, however, I'm essentially in a generation of transitioning guinea pigs where doctors are incredibly vague and almost literally incapable of predicting what's going to happen and what health consequences are myth or real.
We're a really small population to begin with and many trans men do undergo a hysterectomy/oophorectomy early in their hormonal treatment, which makes the study of long-term testosterone effects difficult. All you can do is use common sense, the experiences of others, and current knowledge to make plausible predictions.
For one and as I've mentioned in earlier posts, I know that extended testosterone therapy usually results in infertility. Okay, not a problem. Bonus. But, I also know that a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus) and oophorectomy (surgical removal of the ovaries) are recommended within the first 5 years of starting testosterone therapy because there is some concern orienting around ovaries developing similar symptoms as those seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
Even though I'm very uncomfortable with having a menstrual cycle (i.e. not mapped for it to happen.), it's one thing that I could ignore well enough to live with. And something that, without an expensive hysterectomy and taking T for the rest of my life, I'll need to have for my body to produce hormones naturally.
I want to somehow successfully accomplish keeping my ovaries and uterus functioning throughout these next 5 or so years while I'm taking testosterone. To get as many irreversible secondary sex characteristics as my body can muster in that period of time then, if all goes to plan, do my best to control what's reversible (with body fat redistribution, for example, I could keep it as low as possible in the healthiest ways I know how by eating healthier, taking fat reduction pills, working out, etc.)
It'll work.
I'm predicting that my biggest hurdle is going to be resisting the urge to never stop taking T. Even though it's only about 2 months into my transition I'm already feeling increasing doubt in my ability to endure having anything reversed.
In my ability to resist how wonderful it would feel, mentally, to have a hysterectomy and to continue watching my body change in ways that feel right and whole physiologically. In my ability to resist how difficult it's becoming to stick to my promise to compromise, to ween myself off. Imagining what it's going be like after all of that time to watch my body go from the most connected I've ever experienced to forcing it to revert in many ways to how it once was before transitioning.
Still, I can compromise and I will.
In the meantime, I will continue having traumatizing Pap smears and will immediately see my doctor if I experience any irregular bleeding (which could be a sign of cancer), cramping, or pain.
Speaking of blood and pain, I saw the Friday the 13th remake on, well, Friday the 13th. It was entirely bad ass, yet also a couple sandwiches short of a picnic (a trap setting, lair-living, seemingly intelligent-esque Jason? Wha?).Two friends I saw it with were in so much agony I almost felt guilty coercing them into it. One was my poor roommate who was already pooped out from screaming before the title of the movie even showed up on the screen. Soon after she was just in a traumatized-looking quivering ball with a jacket over her head, one eye peeping out through one of the button holes. A hand would occasionally pop out of the jacket ball to pinch and grab at my arm.
Jason Voorhees, see, has always been my favorite 80s slash n' hacker. It was in the first Friday the 13th that I was exposed to the amazing special effects of a makeup artist named Tom Savini, who was once quoted as saying, "Film is a truly magical medium. You can create illusions of reality, make people think they've seen things that they really haven't -- like blowing a guy's head off with a shotgun."
So frickin' true. I love it. I even named a foster pup of mine Savini which, surprisingly, actually makes a pretty cute pup name. She had the worst attention span and, in order to get her attention before asking her to do something, I'd say, "Super mega puppy Savini transform! Confirm strategy: [insert sit/shake here]". I didn't realize how ridiculous that was until she was adopted and I had to explain the above to her new guardians. Hum de dum...
Anyway, I remember watching Jason Voorhees briskly walking about Camp Crystal Lake or Manhattan crashing teenage hump parties with his machete. First, I'd think, "How are these amazing illusions being made? I want to learn how to do this." Second, I wanted to grow up to be as tall and big as Jason. When I hit my growth spurt in junior high and hit 5'11'' I felt super giddy and optimistic about getting big like Jason Voorhees, and maybe, just maybe, I could be him every single Halloween!
Alas, I didn't grow any taller than 5'11'', which, to a young trans kid wanting to become as big and bad ass as Jason Voorhees, doesn't seem tall at all.
JASON'S 10 BEST KILLS
Kill #10 - Bananarama Hitchhiker!
This Hitchiker headed for Canada (and Love) is down on her luck. She's been getting turned down for a ride so much that she actually has a backing to her hitchhiking sign which reads "Fuck You!" - used for anybody who laughs as they drive past her. Oh well, at least she can enjoy the tranquility of the woods while she eats her banana. The tasty banana. The friendly banana. The happy banana. The... wait... what's that noise? More kills!! >
I had a very long discussion today with my co workers about your transition. I was very impressed with their openness and questions; I will have to let you know the details later. I find it so cute that my co workers are so supportive of me and in turn my friends. They did however have some questions that I couldn't answer, so we most definitely need to talk. I even picked up some pointers for using the mens restroom.
ReplyDeleteKegg: Dialog is good! Ask away when we's talks over vegan butter chick'n later!
ReplyDeleteI was never a fan of the Friday the 13th films, especially the first one, which of course had his mother as the killer. Although it was fun to see Kevin Bacon get impaled. Of the three mainstays of the 80s slashers, Fred Kruger is my favorite, mostly because his is more psychological (although that series had a serious case of schizophrenia).
ReplyDeleteTom Savini is great though. I still remember seeing Day of the Dead for the first time and watching in shocked awe at the gruesome unrated gore.
"Choke on it!" One of the best death scenes EVER!
Dear Boyd,
ReplyDeleteYour assertion that Freddy Kruger has ANYTHING on Jason Voorhees is horribly mistaken. If you witnessed their showdown in Freddy vs. Jason, you'd see just how Jason is more bad ass, and ultimately defeats Freddy's comedic, wimpy ass.
Sincerely,
Mel
p.s. that "choke on it" quote is the best.
Between us speaking, I would ask the help for users of this forum.
ReplyDelete