Flakes and Muscle Growth

Yesterday my friend, Gina, came over to help me bury my little friend. We made him a grave by a cute tree that will be nourished with little bits of Socrates for years to come (it sounds creepy, but it's true). I placed his little body in there with my left hand, buried him, then went inside to comfort Ben.

Ben hadn't left his little house all day. He was acting frazzled and afraid, but when I held him and cupped him in my left hand, his little nose sniffed it and he instantly calmed down. Then he licked my hand for about 10 minutes, which he'd never done before.

Here's the last image of my little baby Socrates, suckling on his water bottle:



Sigh.

So today I'm back at work, although I feel like I've accomplished a double-flake-whammy. Over a month ago I promised to speak on an LGBQT panel today up at the University of Utah, the theme being "In the spirit of reducing hate and its companion - fear, we offer the stories of these panelists. By knowing the stories and faces of those whose civil rights now are being debated across America, as well as those who stand with them, we hope to contribute to a deepening of mutual understanding and respectful discourse."

Nothing was going to stop me from attending; not even my fear of public speaking!

But then I went and took two days off of work spontaneously to care for Socrates and, when I came in this morning, I was greeted with a slew of emails and project managers yelping and damage control galore. There was no way I could leave today to speak on the panel, so I had to call and cancel. Ugh.

I learned that the only other transgender person scheduled to speak (a wonderful MTF woman) had also canceled due to being sick. But, fortunately, a very active local trans feller did agree to speak on short notice, which was really relieving and helped ease my flake guilt a bit.

In other news, my body has been whining a little lately. Yesterday I woke up with an uber grumbly stomach ache. I assumed that it was due to the stress of what was happening with baby Socrates, but it got worse throughout the day and ended up feeling strikingly similar to cramps associated with that special time of the month.

Eventually I felt sick enough that it was difficult to walk and I started to perspire excessively. I stumbled into the nearest pharmacy to purchase some ibuprofen and, not too long after I gulped them down, the pain went away.

My menstrual cycle has officially ended - well, the ejection part, anyway.

Also, the muscles in my upper back have been incredibly tight and tense lately. I've never felt anything like it before. According to the The Gender Centre Inc. Fact Sheet on F.T.M. 101: The Invisible Transsexuals (PDF),

"Muscle and bone density increase is fairly rapid. However, ligaments and tendons are at risk of damage or injury because they take longer to "beef up" in correspondence with the muscle / bone increase. Any sport activity for the first two years of hormone therapy should be approached with this in mind."

Dag nabbit. See, a few weeks ago I apparently pulled some of my upper back muscles and almost literally couldn't turn my neck for a little over a week. Trying to sit up in the morning took a little, "Sitting up is the hard part." prep talk. The heating pad had become a good friend.

Then it happened again just a few days ago. Self-injury is way too easy.

I've found myself compelled to sit on the gym's massage chair almost every day, which is the single most blissful experience lately. I've also been as careful as I know how and have made sure to focus on repetition instead of weight when I work out.

Back to the uteral lining shedding shindig, also according to this Gender Centre fact sheet:

"A growing number of F.T.M.s who have been on hormones for 4 to 5 years who have not had hysterectomies, have developed intrauterine complications. These range from endometriosis to fibroid cysts, to fibrous scar tissue forming around the reproductive organs, to absorption of the organs into the abdominal muscles or even, in a couple of cases, into the intestines. The rising number of F.T.M.s who have been experiencing these complications has pushed many of us to ask for an hysterectomy earlier in our transition. Many F.T.M.s, however, do not experience these problems, and for them hysterectomy may be an unnecessary surgery. Some F.T.M.s require hysterectomy / oophorectomy for psychological reasons."

Oh boy.