Gender Pronouns & My Grams

Gender pronouns.

What a mixed bag of predicament, that one.

I've thought about this quite a bit, especially now that I'm transitioning and facing new, not entirely anticipated social pressures orienting around binary gender - both within the trans community and outside of it, which I'll ramble on aboot in a later post. For now, I'll try to stick to the nitty gritty of answering, "What pronouns do I prefer, and why?"

Back in January I posted,

"I'm noticing that people are just too confused by it, default on 'she', and it's exhausting to constantly explain genderqueer or how my transition is separate from my gender identity. I'm finding that I'm in a position where it's easier to just use language most people can understand, like "female-to-male", for example. Given the options 'he' or 'she', I feel much more comfortable with 'he'. So, at group yesterday, I said, "I'm starting to prefer male pronouns." then said something about how it's for the sake of ease, comfort, and convenience and doesn't entirely reflect my actual gender identity.

I feel a bit conflicted about it. By opting to use 'he' pronouns it does nothing to represent my actual gender identity or to challenge that binary. Still, when people are using 'she' to describe me, it's even worse. At least I'm more comfortable with 'he' and relate to it better and can still be open about my gender identity with anyone who's inquisitive and receptive. I'm figuring it out, but, in the meantime, I've concluded that I do have a preference for people in general. He. Close friends, people who know me well, are already good at avoiding gender pronouns."

I'd come to this conclusion, but I hadn't communicated it outside of the group. I fell back on not having a preference, leaving the option to others to use whatever pronoun(s) they felt most comfortable with. I didn't feel entirely comfortable about "he", but my train of thought has come tootin' along to a more solid place these past few weeks.

I've been asking myself questions like, "What gender pronoun(s) do I honestly prefer? Is it he?", "What genuinely feels right, in contrast to what's expected?", "What do I feel comfortable with?"

Ponder, ponder.

And honestly.

When it comes right down to it.

I'm not fond of being referred to as she. It's never felt comfortable or accurately descriptive, yet it's been the most prominently used to refer to my gender. But it's not me, damnit. I'm over it. Done.

And, while in this smog of pondering, I've concluded that, deep inside, I do prefer he, even though, I'm not sure that I actually do have a preference.

And this is due to beginning to identify closer to something along the lines of 'trans guy' or, even better, a 'genderqueer guy', and I just might be genuinely prefering traditionally male pronouns (man, feller, good sir, ol' chap, guy, asshole, even he) or, even better, the avoidance of pronouns altogether when possible.

Most important part for me being that there's 'genderqueer' or 'trans' before 'guy', demonstrating that I'm entirely conscious of my gender, every single day, and that this pronoun is a byproduct of that awareness.

Based on this impermanent conclusion and internally coming to feel more solid about it, Saturday I finally asked a few of my close friends to either avoid gender pronouns altogether or to use traditionally male pronouns. Everyone was super sweet about it, admitting that they may slip up from time to time, to which I'd reply, "That's okay. I won't get all frazzled about it."

And it came into practice that very night when I attended a Bingo party at Jude's house where some were referring to me as she while others were referring to me as he, or avoiding gender pronouns altogether.

I loved the barrage of pronoun mix n' mangle.

I've also noticed another... pronoun, of sorts, that people have been using towards me lately; like a natural not-sure-what-pronoun-to-use occurrence. It sounds like "ee". As in, "ee knows", where the 's' or 'h' just kind of... drop off via the uncertainty. It's sort of imperceptive. Maybe I'll start preferring 'ee'.

"Ee was really distraught that this turned out to be a pajama and ice cream party instead of a bikini-themed one."

Now I just need to get up the nerve to communicate this preference to more people. The idea of it has me feeling nervous. I may wait until my whiskers are more burly n' prominent before correcting anyone. I'm hoping that, with a face full of whiskers, it will be easier and less confusing for people, particularly co-workers.

Or maybe I won't, deciding that the thought and dialogue provoked from appearing to be a cisgender male who they've always seen as female being referred to as 'she', while some are referring to me as 'he', is entirely worth it. And, if asked about my preference, I'll answer, "Ah shucks, thanks for asking. I prefer he.". Hmm!

In other news, my grandma sent me the cutest e-mail yesterday (my grammy keeps with the times, see. she's hip. it's in the blood.):

"I read your blog and am following your journey. I also am clapping and cheering for you and want you to be healthy and happy - ALWAYS."

When I told her that she's the best grandma a trans grand kid could wish for, she replied,

"And you, Mel, are the best grandson a gma ever had. Am I saying this correctly? Love you."

Gah! So cute! I can't even handle it! Seriously? How amazing can a grandma get!?

I remember when I was just a little wee bop and had visited my grandma after school one day. Instead of asking me, "What did you learn today?", she asked, "What did you ask today?". That question has resonated with me ever since, as well as a slew of other memories shared with my amazing grandma.

I feel so frickin' lucky to have so much love and support in my life. Thank you grams, and everyone else!