I noticed yesterday while typing away furiously at work that I smelled like, well, mold. My own potent odor was distracting, in fact.
Flattering bit of information to share, I'm aware. But it's true.
And some times, the truth just isn't all that flattering. Especially a little over 3 months after starting hormone therapy.
Prior to injecting myself with goop that has transformed me into an awkward acne-ridden greasy perspiring slightly hairier and horny 200 lbs mess of a thing, I could get away with showering once every few days. Longer if I really felt like it. It was no big thang.
I could wash a pair of jeans and re-wear those jeans multiple times, only washing them when the filth became visibly apparent. Same logic applied to shirts.
I could peddle around furiously on my bicycle, no problem. Even on the hottest days in the summer. I could work out in the morning and then go to work without showering. I didn't sweat profusely and had no potent, grody odor, no matter what.
Now...
While I sat there yesterday, distracted by that awful unprecedented subtle yet permeating odor, it dawned on me that what I was smelling were my clothes. The scent of decaying sweat and skin cells, festering in the fabric.
This realization was flabbergasting.
Even though I was forewarned to expect that the 'scent of body odors and urine change' from hormone therapy, jebus hewey christ.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I work out every morning and don't shower after, then blunder through my day with no problem - until now.
Now there's a problem.
Plus now, when I work out, the sweat comes oozing out of my entire body in such abundance that my hair is sopping wet and it literally drips off the tip of my nose. In 25 minutes, mind you. Prior to hormone therapy I could go 45 minutes or longer and never, ever sweat like this.
Now I need to shower every day - apparently after working out in the morning, even. And wear clean clothes every day, too. And put deodorant on after working out, and probably again midday.
Ugh. The woe of being forced into actually being clean rather than projecting an illusion of clean, since I'm no longer capable.
Whine whine, wah wah.
Moving on.
In other news and on a work-related note, my boss sent me an e-mail Tuesday after the team's status meeting asking,
While I understand this, I also don't feel comfortable about having my transitioning "announced" to my team. It would make more sense if I expected everyone to start referring to me with masculine pronouns right.this.second, but the only reason I brought it up to my boss or H.R. was solely to protect myself as a worker. Socially, I just... don't feel comfortable about it.
I figure that, with time, it will work itself out. People will notice change and how others use masculine pronouns. Some may ask questions, some might not. Side conversations may or may not happen. But, for me, I'm not upset or horribly offended by the "she" pronoun not being tossed aside immediately. It will happen, with time. Especially as it becomes more obvious aesthetically that I'm trans and people hear me referred to in masculine or feminine pronouns. It will work itself out.
It may be unfair, but I also feel it's up to others to sort it out in themselves. To be inquisitive or not, up to them. It's not my obligation. I just want to be myself, come to work, and do my thang without any hassle.
Also, I'd like to point out that I've been around an awful lot of peeing at the urinal in restrooms this past month and very rarely hear or see anyone wash their hands.
*photo: my future. so excited!
Flattering bit of information to share, I'm aware. But it's true.
And some times, the truth just isn't all that flattering. Especially a little over 3 months after starting hormone therapy.
Prior to injecting myself with goop that has transformed me into an awkward acne-ridden greasy perspiring slightly hairier and horny 200 lbs mess of a thing, I could get away with showering once every few days. Longer if I really felt like it. It was no big thang.
I could wash a pair of jeans and re-wear those jeans multiple times, only washing them when the filth became visibly apparent. Same logic applied to shirts.
I could peddle around furiously on my bicycle, no problem. Even on the hottest days in the summer. I could work out in the morning and then go to work without showering. I didn't sweat profusely and had no potent, grody odor, no matter what.
Now...
While I sat there yesterday, distracted by that awful unprecedented subtle yet permeating odor, it dawned on me that what I was smelling were my clothes. The scent of decaying sweat and skin cells, festering in the fabric.
This realization was flabbergasting.
Even though I was forewarned to expect that the 'scent of body odors and urine change' from hormone therapy, jebus hewey christ.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I work out every morning and don't shower after, then blunder through my day with no problem - until now.
Now there's a problem.
Plus now, when I work out, the sweat comes oozing out of my entire body in such abundance that my hair is sopping wet and it literally drips off the tip of my nose. In 25 minutes, mind you. Prior to hormone therapy I could go 45 minutes or longer and never, ever sweat like this.
Now I need to shower every day - apparently after working out in the morning, even. And wear clean clothes every day, too. And put deodorant on after working out, and probably again midday.
Ugh. The woe of being forced into actually being clean rather than projecting an illusion of clean, since I'm no longer capable.
Whine whine, wah wah.
Moving on.
In other news and on a work-related note, my boss sent me an e-mail Tuesday after the team's status meeting asking,
With [co-worker] referring to you with ‘masculine’ pronouns in our status meetings (and I imagine everywhere else now), do you feel it is a good time to "announce" to at least the team, or do you just want to leave it to slip out slowly through side chatter?I wasn't quite sure how to respond. I think he's doing his best to handle my transition in a really appropriate, surprisingly respectful way. He's trying to be considerate of me and my co-workers.
Just curious what your thoughts are. It's not a huge deal, but it may help to clarify where ambiguity may be there.
Take care.
While I understand this, I also don't feel comfortable about having my transitioning "announced" to my team. It would make more sense if I expected everyone to start referring to me with masculine pronouns right.this.second, but the only reason I brought it up to my boss or H.R. was solely to protect myself as a worker. Socially, I just... don't feel comfortable about it.
I figure that, with time, it will work itself out. People will notice change and how others use masculine pronouns. Some may ask questions, some might not. Side conversations may or may not happen. But, for me, I'm not upset or horribly offended by the "she" pronoun not being tossed aside immediately. It will happen, with time. Especially as it becomes more obvious aesthetically that I'm trans and people hear me referred to in masculine or feminine pronouns. It will work itself out.
It may be unfair, but I also feel it's up to others to sort it out in themselves. To be inquisitive or not, up to them. It's not my obligation. I just want to be myself, come to work, and do my thang without any hassle.
Also, I'd like to point out that I've been around an awful lot of peeing at the urinal in restrooms this past month and very rarely hear or see anyone wash their hands.
*photo: my future. so excited!
Whoa, that bad eh? Yikes.. Guess you'll just have to be sure to shower and wash clothes more often. >.<
ReplyDeleteAbout the work thing, hmm.. on one hand, I understand where you're coming from, on the other.. I understand his concern.
I think on some level, it should be 'announced' however, I'm not sure it should be done by you, and or made to be a big deal.
Maybe a memo, stating that this is what's going on, if you have any questions or concerns, address them to me(ie your boss).
If, someone has a question or concern, and it goes beyond your bosses understanding, he can then ask you, privately how to answer, given it's something that must be answered by you.
If it's just something as stupid as nonacceptance, well you're boss needs to warn that person that they have to accept it, or risk getting penalized, as they are an equal opportunity employer, yada yada yada.
Lol, wow, I'm smart, huh? >.>
...not really.
Anyways, yeah.. that's all I have to say, lol.
Washing more frequently will do wonders for your acne issues.
ReplyDeleteAs for washing after peeing, those of us who don't pee on our hands don't always feel the need to wash them. That being said, I always wash my hands, regardless, while in uniform.
I love how you have no problem with your gross clothes up until now, yet the idea of minimal hand washing grosses you out.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lost on your work announcement. I see it as, these people can't read your mind, and many of them probably don't know that you are transitioning.
I fully understand that in an ideal situation you could just be you and should not have to explain anything. I've found that when talking about you, if someone doesn't know you are transitioning and refers to you as she. Then I say he, it causes them to feel a little stupid. It's much easier to just say. Mel has asked that people refer to him with male pronouns. They say, oh ok, maybe there is some questioning, but inevitably the conversation continues and is much more comfortable.
I would also think of it as a chance to help educate people. Judgment occurs because of fear and ignorance. I think you are absolutely correct in letting people figure out how they feel and how they will deal with you on their own. I still think some of them may need a little direction to begin with. If I didn’t know you, and someone just started referring to you with male pronouns, and I knew you as a female lesbian. I may think they were being ignorant, you know that whole stereotype of butch lesbians just want to be men. Do you see what I mean? I just think to avoid more potential ignorance being spread, attack it to begin with. The other thing to consider, being your friend I have no problems in defending you, educating people, and what not when it does come to people not understanding what’s happening. I don’t know that all of your co workers will feel that same way. I don’t think it is a lot to ask of your friends, but I do think it is a lot to ask of your co workers. Does that make sense?
Kegg: I see where you're coming from, and it does make sense. But where to bridge my personal and professional life is a bit tricky, because it doesn't seem fair to expect every minority in a work environment to be "announced" to the majority simply because that majority may be uncomfortable or confused about it.
ReplyDeleteTo me, that puts the minority individual in a socially invasive position.
Going out into the world and working amongst a diversity of people always comes with interacting with individuals who have parts of their lives that everyone might not understand. And this is the entire point of diversity trainings and expecting "professional conduct" amongst individuals who have very, very different perceptions on life and varying comfort levels.
I mean, there are whole slew of things that many people are ignorant about and potentially not even interested being tolerant towards. The only thing -I- care about is being able to function as a worker and that my boss won't utilize his power and position to discriminate against me, or that I won't be fired.
Other co-workers, on the other hand, aren't in positions of power over me. We socialize in a non-personal, professional manner. The "announcement" of a part of my identity and life that isn't relevant to my position or ability to work doesn't seem necessary or appropriate to me, because I'm not expecting any change in their conduct towards me.
Maybe it's a far-fetched analogy, but it seems that if I had a co-worker who belonged to a minority religion the majority didn't understand, I wouldn't expect my boss to announce their conversion to the entire team, "So and so has just converted to this non-LDS religion. They may say or do things some times that might confuse some of us, but...", even if we were all primarily LDS and felt discomfort and confusion about their minority religion.
If, on the other hand, this individual expected their co-workers to start addressing them differently or alter their conduct somehow, it would make more sense. But if their co-workers aren't expected to alter their behavior, then why would it be any of their business or need to be pointed out to everyone simply because it's a misunderstood, minority religion?
In either scenario, what I would expect is that, if a co-worker refused to work with this person or told them they were sick or mentally ill because they're not a part of the majority religion, or some other unprofessional scenario, that this individual's boss or HR department wouldn't support that type of conduct and would protect that minority so they could continue working as usual.
Plus, I'm aware that, in many transitioning cases, there is a strong preference to be seen and referred to differently by co-workers (i.e. woman/man, "he" or "she"). But I don't think there's a rulebook for transitioning and I don't feel like the people I interact with in my professional life have to know every little kibble and bit about me in order to treat me - and their other co-workers - with basic dignity and respect.
Which is all I'm concerned about.
I think that transsexuals are rare enough that, naturally, dialogues will spring up. People will ask questions (with the co-workers who are using "he" pronouns, or with my boss, or other co-workers). It will manifest gradually, over time. Those who are inquisitive will ask me, other co-workers, or my boss.
And some will feel fear and discomfort. Those who are uncomfortable or upset about minority issues, yet work out in a world of diversity, will always exist. I mean, being a vegan also spurs this - where there are people who are genuinely, horribly upset about it, but - in a professional work environment - it's not my business to "educate" them about it unless they ask, and it's also not their business to refuse to work with me or generate hostility because of it.
If that makes sense?
Obviously it's something I'm thinking about and don't have a 100% solid position on. So far I haven't heard of any scenarios where my co-workers who refer to me in masculine pronouns have had to defend themselves or have had any hostile conversations because of it. It seems like "he" is thrown out there, and recipients - confused or not - don't say a thing, and probably end up pondering over it.
However, if I did start hearing of hostile scenarios and announcing it felt necessary, I would. But initially I'd actually request that my HR department include trans issues in their required diversity trainings, which I believe is happening already?
Lost: That bad. No more illusion of clean for me. Now it's the real deal. :(
ReplyDeleteI like the memo idea, minus the fact that we don't really do "memos" at my office. I mean, something like that would be subtle and non-intrusive, and would clarify to everyone that it would be okay to go to my boss with questions.
I'm actually thinking that JUST for my team, since we're just a group of 10 or so and work together frequently enough and he's the boss over all of us, that I'll ask him to mention it via e-mail.
Maybe. I'm just, not sure. I'm conflicted because a.) I'm very, very private at work and b.) not asking anything of them just yet.
If something did become an issue, THEN there's no question at all of getting my boss involved - otherwise, I just ... stuff to ponder. ;]
Thank you for your input!
Kegg: Clarification - the idea of minimal hand washing AFTER handling a penis.
ReplyDeleteDang the things I would never imagine having to go through in addition to all the stress I already was aware of when one transitions!
ReplyDeleteHow gross is it that I have been served ball cheese from my fav male waiters! My Starbucks .... ughhhh thanks for bring this to the forefront of my germ phobia! LOL!
I am going to point out that you only think that you used to be able to shower only that often.
ReplyDeleteAs your former roommate, I remember a different, smellier story.
No worries though, you will always have the charm and good looks to make others forget your odor. ;)
LOL I love your former roomie's comment. I guess I've just never been cooped up in a small enough room for long enough to notice your "funk".
ReplyDeleteThough my main concern is - PDiddy?! PDIDDY, Mel? Couldn't you come up with a better pseudonym for me than that of a talentless rapper with identity issues?
PDIDDY?!!!!