Just this past week I've noticed some eenteresting reactions from strangers when it comes to processing which gender I am.
More importantly and just to clarify, the point of my transitioning is NOT to be perceived as a cisgender male, but entirely to connect with my own body physiologically, completely irrelevant to the gender side of things. The change is just very uber gradual and it's hard for me to see and gauge on a daily basis - how strangers react to me is a soothing reminder that change is, in fact, happening.
Some strangers have used male pronouns to address me even after I speak. Emphasis added because, in the past when someone would say Sir or He it would be instantly "corrected" and apologized for once I spoke. That isn't happening anymore.
Last night, for example, I was off causing mayhem with a couple of female friends and when it came time to pay for our dinner the server asked them, "So he's paying the remainder?" When I stepped up to pay my portion and rambled on about this, that, and the other, she didn't correct herself.
Or earlier today when I went to get some lunch and said, "Excuse me." to a feller who was blocking my path, he replied, "Oh sorry, bud."
Uh.
Then, on the other end of the bizarre gender-confused-what-pronoun-fuse-PoP-fiZzLe spectrum I've come across some who are hell bent and determined to aggressively use female pronouns, particularly opting to say "lady" a gazillion times.
It's as though my gender is such a hot topic pounding away in the dark recesses of their noggin that they have to reaffirm "female, female, female". Whether it's subconscious most of the time or intentional, I'm not sure. It's definitely perplexing, either way.
The world o' work... yesterday I felt this indescribable little knot tighten in my stomach after I saw an email my co-worker had sent out to one of our project managers. It read, "Ok, Mel is fairly free (where as I am not) so he’s going to take a look and dive into this. I’m going to forward all the stuff we’ve already gotten today to him."
Emphasis on the male gender pronouns added.
This wasn't necessarily a negative little indescribable knot. I love that I have a co-worker or two who are aware of and respect my gender identity and preferences. The knot was there, though... possibly due to not being explicitly out to co-workers in general except for those who I interact with frequently, my boss, and the H.R. department. Further into the foreign out-of-closet waters.
I put absolutely zero effort into being closeted at work, but my transitioning also isn't blatantly obvious yet, especially just 3 months in to starting hormone therapy. Dressing in boy'ish garb doesn't cut it for my version of invisible tranniness. And I don't go out of my way to announce it (only enough to protect myself, i.e. going to boss and H.R. Department). It just is.
Yet, here I'm being referred to in male pronouns by some co-workers and female pronouns by others. Meanwhile my body and voice are gradually changing. Then my full, very feminine birth name is present on my work e-mail address until I have it legally changed and bring in a new shiny social security card dawning "Mel".
Work (likely due to my dinky-needs-to-change-pronto e-mail address) is the only place anyone EVER calls me "Melanie", which I try to correct. Well, I lie. There are a couple of stragglers in the world who call me that every so often outside of work, then get politely corrected. Far and few between.
Most importantly, I really respect my few co-workers who have started using the correct pronouns whether their language is directed towards me or not. It's brave and courteous, especially in the face of misunderstanding, confusion and potentially uncomfortable discussion.
On a semi-related note, I've also heard bits and pieces about various friend's experiences with talking about my transition with others, especially when it comes to pronouns.
For example, a friend of mine mentioned to me that she bumped into a mutual gym-goer. When he brought me up using female pronouns she replied by referring to me in male pronouns. Despite how he'd correct her, "You mean Mel, right? She?", my friend would respond with, "Yes, Mel. He." Furrow brow. Cock head.
She admitted to me that she almost felt the urge to just conform for the sake of ease in the conversation, but didn't and kept that male pronoun stick firmly implanted in the thick mud.
I'm lucky to know the best, most amazing, empathetic, open-minded people.
However, I've also heard about other reactions. For example, one friend mentioned that a girl she'd been dating responded by refusing to refer to me with male pronouns because anyone who has the right to go by male pronouns must have "the correct genitals."
I could rant and rave about this, but, in an itty bitty nutshell, I can't help but feel curious about how she knows so much about what's going on below my belt or why she's so interested.
Still, I actually don't mind second-hand grapevine feedback along these lines, because, at the very least, it's compelling people to think about gender in ways they potentially haven't before and is spurring discussion about it. Plants those devious little gender PoP seeds. Bwa ha!
One little tough chew at a time.
On a health note, I suspect that I may be partially allergic to Testosterone Cypionate seeing as I've developed some minor rashes on the backs of my upper arms. Boo. It's not serious enough to cause discomfort, but it is concerning. I'll add it to my List of a Gazillion Things to Harass My Doctor About on Friday!
More importantly and just to clarify, the point of my transitioning is NOT to be perceived as a cisgender male, but entirely to connect with my own body physiologically, completely irrelevant to the gender side of things. The change is just very uber gradual and it's hard for me to see and gauge on a daily basis - how strangers react to me is a soothing reminder that change is, in fact, happening.
Some strangers have used male pronouns to address me even after I speak. Emphasis added because, in the past when someone would say Sir or He it would be instantly "corrected" and apologized for once I spoke. That isn't happening anymore.
Last night, for example, I was off causing mayhem with a couple of female friends and when it came time to pay for our dinner the server asked them, "So he's paying the remainder?" When I stepped up to pay my portion and rambled on about this, that, and the other, she didn't correct herself.
Or earlier today when I went to get some lunch and said, "Excuse me." to a feller who was blocking my path, he replied, "Oh sorry, bud."
Uh.
Then, on the other end of the bizarre gender-confused-what-pronoun-fuse-PoP-fiZzLe spectrum I've come across some who are hell bent and determined to aggressively use female pronouns, particularly opting to say "lady" a gazillion times.
It's as though my gender is such a hot topic pounding away in the dark recesses of their noggin that they have to reaffirm "female, female, female". Whether it's subconscious most of the time or intentional, I'm not sure. It's definitely perplexing, either way.
The world o' work... yesterday I felt this indescribable little knot tighten in my stomach after I saw an email my co-worker had sent out to one of our project managers. It read, "Ok, Mel is fairly free (where as I am not) so he’s going to take a look and dive into this. I’m going to forward all the stuff we’ve already gotten today to him."
Emphasis on the male gender pronouns added.
This wasn't necessarily a negative little indescribable knot. I love that I have a co-worker or two who are aware of and respect my gender identity and preferences. The knot was there, though... possibly due to not being explicitly out to co-workers in general except for those who I interact with frequently, my boss, and the H.R. department. Further into the foreign out-of-closet waters.
I put absolutely zero effort into being closeted at work, but my transitioning also isn't blatantly obvious yet, especially just 3 months in to starting hormone therapy. Dressing in boy'ish garb doesn't cut it for my version of invisible tranniness. And I don't go out of my way to announce it (only enough to protect myself, i.e. going to boss and H.R. Department). It just is.Yet, here I'm being referred to in male pronouns by some co-workers and female pronouns by others. Meanwhile my body and voice are gradually changing. Then my full, very feminine birth name is present on my work e-mail address until I have it legally changed and bring in a new shiny social security card dawning "Mel".
Work (likely due to my dinky-needs-to-change-pronto e-mail address) is the only place anyone EVER calls me "Melanie", which I try to correct. Well, I lie. There are a couple of stragglers in the world who call me that every so often outside of work, then get politely corrected. Far and few between.
Most importantly, I really respect my few co-workers who have started using the correct pronouns whether their language is directed towards me or not. It's brave and courteous, especially in the face of misunderstanding, confusion and potentially uncomfortable discussion.
On a semi-related note, I've also heard bits and pieces about various friend's experiences with talking about my transition with others, especially when it comes to pronouns.
For example, a friend of mine mentioned to me that she bumped into a mutual gym-goer. When he brought me up using female pronouns she replied by referring to me in male pronouns. Despite how he'd correct her, "You mean Mel, right? She?", my friend would respond with, "Yes, Mel. He." Furrow brow. Cock head.
She admitted to me that she almost felt the urge to just conform for the sake of ease in the conversation, but didn't and kept that male pronoun stick firmly implanted in the thick mud.
I'm lucky to know the best, most amazing, empathetic, open-minded people.
However, I've also heard about other reactions. For example, one friend mentioned that a girl she'd been dating responded by refusing to refer to me with male pronouns because anyone who has the right to go by male pronouns must have "the correct genitals."
I could rant and rave about this, but, in an itty bitty nutshell, I can't help but feel curious about how she knows so much about what's going on below my belt or why she's so interested.
Still, I actually don't mind second-hand grapevine feedback along these lines, because, at the very least, it's compelling people to think about gender in ways they potentially haven't before and is spurring discussion about it. Plants those devious little gender PoP seeds. Bwa ha!
One little tough chew at a time.
On a health note, I suspect that I may be partially allergic to Testosterone Cypionate seeing as I've developed some minor rashes on the backs of my upper arms. Boo. It's not serious enough to cause discomfort, but it is concerning. I'll add it to my List of a Gazillion Things to Harass My Doctor About on Friday!
Just have to say, I understand.. to a certain extent. It's tough, but you're tougher, right? ;)
ReplyDeleteWhenever the weather changes or its really dry out I get little bumpies on the backs of my upper arms (a little lotion with lactic or salicylic acid and a bit of exfoliation clears it up pretty quickly) - maybe you're not having an allergic reaction afterall?
ReplyDeleteCaroline: Possibly! I hope. I know that my skin has changed in ways it hasn't experienced before, i.e. more sensitive, rougher, acne... so I'm hoping that's all it is. I do lotion already, but I'll slap a little salicylic acid into the mix as you've suggested, see if that helps. :]
ReplyDeleteWait. . . we have to earn the right to gender pronouns? Like merit badges? Do we have to sell cookies? How about I just eat the cookies? Is there a pronoun police force out there that is going to make me drop trou and prove that I've earned the right to my pronouns?
ReplyDeleteUgh, I think my brain is rotting out of my skull.
I am really interested to hear more about how work is going, re: your transition. I recall hearing that there were some issues surrounding. . . foosball? (HAHAHA - THAT PLACE!) But perhaps that's a better conversation to have in person/not on a public comment thread.
Now I want cookies. . . :(
raedances: No kidding! I want to know how to get my preferred gender pronoun merit badge!
ReplyDeleteBut, more importantly than that, now I want cookies, too. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Um, your friend's girl? The stickler for a dickler? She needs to wikipedia "micropenis" and ponder the nature of hermaphrodites before her weird laws build her a guilded cage of gender-gray confusion. Who cares what's downstairs? What of respecting the wishes of others? Emily Post would have a hayday writing a book about being polite in this day and age.
ReplyDeleteDouchebaguette: HA! Well put!
ReplyDeleteAt least this comment served as the final straw to have your friend break up with this girl. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am also going to add that she looks a bit ambiguous herself, and your friend called her "she" without pause during the time that your friend suspected that she might have a penis.