Alright, now it's hitting me a bit. There's a little nugget of dread throbbing in my stomach, ready to pOp and let out a whole can of panicky worms - but I won't let it, dag nabbit. No way, no how.
The little nugget manifested around the time I finally slowed down and got home, where I was greeted by my excited little furry feline friends, Theseus and Evilbunny (I named him when I was 12. Don't judge.) and my little rat friend, Ben. I immediately felt this twinge of failure stir in my gut and creep up my throat. I'm a horrible guardian, I thought. I have a responsibility towards my companion animals who are 100% dependent on me and they entirely deserve the security I've promised them. They were entirely oblivious to my guilt and just super uber happy to see me, purring and ready for treats and cuddles.
I'd spent the day with my mom. She made me lunch and beamed all happy mom-style and we went to the gym together. It was nice. My brother took me to dinner later where we mutually ranted and raved about this, that, and the other.
I'm lucky to have them. I also received lots and lots of sympathy, which I like a bunch and must milk for all it's worth. Free lunches, dinner, pats on the head. Well, I don't actually want to milk it, but it's still great.
Anyway, when I got home later and as I lay in bed, I was stuck with my thoughts while listening to the purring of Evilbunny who has been my best little feline friend and a highly addictive inner cuddle spoon since I was 12 years old. That little guy has been the sweetest friend who's been there for me throughout my entire teenage and adult life - through thick and thin, chalk full of lots of unconditional lovins. He could care less if I'm gay or straight or trans or cisgender or employed or unemployed, as long as he has kibble and my lovins and cuddles.
Look at him!!
Actually, now that I've started, I have a whole slew of cuddle phone pictures! Here are very important snippets:
Anyway, last night was full of much-needed cuddles and restlessness.
Despite not getting a lot of sleep, my circadian rhythm kicked in right on the dot at 8am. I felt sluggish and lacked motivation, but got dressed and peddled off by 9am. I went over my mental checklist of Unemployment Day 1 Things To Do:
I can't help wonder about how I'm now going to get testosterone or access to my doctor, or much-needed blood work and checkups to monitor what's happening. I know that an ultrasound is definitely out of the question now without insurance, or getting a second opinion from any other doctor. I have no idea how expensive the hormones are going to be now or if I'm going to be able to keep up on the check ups economically, or what do if and when something does go wrong.
Or feeling anxious about having limited employment options here in Utah, being even further limited by transitioning, which I'll have to be forward about with any prospective new employer.
Or what the odds are of finding a part-time or full-time job that even has insurance, yet still retain the option to finish school. I feel like now, without the job that I had, I'll be forced to choose between school or being insured.
Anyway. Yada yada.
Speaking of insurance, today is the last day I have it. Last Thursday a weird infection started to form on my left leg and has since become more swollen, itchy, and has spread. Lucky for me this didn't happen a week from now.
When I got to the clinic, the doctor wasn't able to tell what it was, exactly - if it's an infection from a large insect bite or "something fungal" (I'm a clean person, I swear!), so he prescribed me an antibiotic and an anti-fungal cream that I'll be applying twice daily.
At least I didn't get a shot in the butt this time. Usually when I finally crack and end up wandering in to the clinic they end up cursing me for not coming in sooner, then stick a needle full of antibiotics into my butt.
Moving on.
In regards to testosterone, my last prescription will last me through my next injection - this Thursday, and 2 weeks after that, on April 16th. At that point I'll have to figure out how to pay for more, depending on what's going on then.
I was told by my ex-employers that I could get COBRA (insurance for the unemployed) and "to cover your current benefits, it will cost $450 a month. But in a couple of months due to an act being passed through Congress, it will be 30% less than that.", hmm. Still expensive to all hell and unaffordable, but something I'll definitely be looking into.
Anyway, it's hard not to let anxiety or resentment surface. It's brewing, definitely - and I'm suppressing it, going forward with my plans and trying to make the best of it.
Still, I caught myself thinking today about how I actually almost joined the Air Force when I turned 18 because I thought it was the only way I'd be able to support myself, go to school, and have opportunities in life. Then Bush became President, which not only served as a great join the Air Force deterrent, but made me incredibly relieved that I hadn't. Yet, I've spent my entire adult life under that regime, which has entailed a mass wave of road blocks and hopelessness. And now, 8 years later, we've plummeted into a vast economic depression where our entire country is picking up the pieces from that relentless disaster, and even with all of that recovery and hope, I just got laid off.
It's not a productive line of thought, in the slightest. So instead I focus on feeling optimistic that, even though it will be difficult, things are looking up. Even though it won't be easy to find a trans-friendly employer here or job opportunities at all, when I do find one, they WILL be trans-friendly. Being who I am is definitely a good system for weeding out the chumps I wouldn't want to work with or for anyhoo, even though I don't have a lot of weeds to hack through.
Not to mention that now we actually are picking up the pieces instead of digging the hole deeper. Which is an unprecedented feeling in my adult life and feels really, really good.
Speaking of task #4 today (ewwww), clothes sho--.. ugh, it's hard to type those words together. Clothes s-s-.. shop-- , ahem.. clothes shopping (gah!) was brutal. I figured that acquiring one nice-looking-fits-well shirt was worth the investment so I can land my doesn't-fit-in-old-tattered-rags self a spiffy new job. And it feels good, too. Kind of like a "fresh shirt, fresh start!" sort of feeling. Or something.
Still, talk about being an unusual shape that doesn't fit into anything. Lots of upper body musculature developing, body fat in mid-redistribution. It's awkward, for sure. And somehow, finally, I was able to find ONE SHIRT that somewhat fits and even has a cute little tiny panda on it. Not too much panda, though. Just enough to make me appear joyous.
I bet it's some brand name or something. I don't know. He kind of looks like Evilbunny. All I know is that it's a cute looking panda. And a second-hand panda, at that.
The little nugget manifested around the time I finally slowed down and got home, where I was greeted by my excited little furry feline friends, Theseus and Evilbunny (I named him when I was 12. Don't judge.) and my little rat friend, Ben. I immediately felt this twinge of failure stir in my gut and creep up my throat. I'm a horrible guardian, I thought. I have a responsibility towards my companion animals who are 100% dependent on me and they entirely deserve the security I've promised them. They were entirely oblivious to my guilt and just super uber happy to see me, purring and ready for treats and cuddles.
I'd spent the day with my mom. She made me lunch and beamed all happy mom-style and we went to the gym together. It was nice. My brother took me to dinner later where we mutually ranted and raved about this, that, and the other.
I'm lucky to have them. I also received lots and lots of sympathy, which I like a bunch and must milk for all it's worth. Free lunches, dinner, pats on the head. Well, I don't actually want to milk it, but it's still great.
Anyway, when I got home later and as I lay in bed, I was stuck with my thoughts while listening to the purring of Evilbunny who has been my best little feline friend and a highly addictive inner cuddle spoon since I was 12 years old. That little guy has been the sweetest friend who's been there for me throughout my entire teenage and adult life - through thick and thin, chalk full of lots of unconditional lovins. He could care less if I'm gay or straight or trans or cisgender or employed or unemployed, as long as he has kibble and my lovins and cuddles.
Look at him!!
Actually, now that I've started, I have a whole slew of cuddle phone pictures! Here are very important snippets:
Unemployed people post about their cats, apparently. Or maybe I'm just getting older and it's my crazy destiny. Perhaps this blog will transform into a "My Cats" blog. Let's hope.
Oh god! The pumpkin ate delectable Evilbunny alive!
Anyway, last night was full of much-needed cuddles and restlessness.
Despite not getting a lot of sleep, my circadian rhythm kicked in right on the dot at 8am. I felt sluggish and lacked motivation, but got dressed and peddled off by 9am. I went over my mental checklist of Unemployment Day 1 Things To Do:
1. Figure out how unemployment works and apply for itI've checked off all of the above, but all day I've had to be going-going-going, otherwise I catch myself combating irrational, self-defeating thoughts. Of feeling disgruntled that my top surgery savings thus far are now going towards getting by until I find another job. Of feeling anxious about losing the insurance I'd become so dependent on to ensure that I can transition in the safest way I know how.
2. Polish and update resume
3. Go to clinic and have weird infection on leg looked at
4. Get nice shirt to woo prospective employers and to feel spiffy
I can't help wonder about how I'm now going to get testosterone or access to my doctor, or much-needed blood work and checkups to monitor what's happening. I know that an ultrasound is definitely out of the question now without insurance, or getting a second opinion from any other doctor. I have no idea how expensive the hormones are going to be now or if I'm going to be able to keep up on the check ups economically, or what do if and when something does go wrong.
Or feeling anxious about having limited employment options here in Utah, being even further limited by transitioning, which I'll have to be forward about with any prospective new employer.
Or what the odds are of finding a part-time or full-time job that even has insurance, yet still retain the option to finish school. I feel like now, without the job that I had, I'll be forced to choose between school or being insured.
Anyway. Yada yada.
Speaking of insurance, today is the last day I have it. Last Thursday a weird infection started to form on my left leg and has since become more swollen, itchy, and has spread. Lucky for me this didn't happen a week from now.
When I got to the clinic, the doctor wasn't able to tell what it was, exactly - if it's an infection from a large insect bite or "something fungal" (I'm a clean person, I swear!), so he prescribed me an antibiotic and an anti-fungal cream that I'll be applying twice daily.
At least I didn't get a shot in the butt this time. Usually when I finally crack and end up wandering in to the clinic they end up cursing me for not coming in sooner, then stick a needle full of antibiotics into my butt.
Moving on.
In regards to testosterone, my last prescription will last me through my next injection - this Thursday, and 2 weeks after that, on April 16th. At that point I'll have to figure out how to pay for more, depending on what's going on then.
I was told by my ex-employers that I could get COBRA (insurance for the unemployed) and "to cover your current benefits, it will cost $450 a month. But in a couple of months due to an act being passed through Congress, it will be 30% less than that.", hmm. Still expensive to all hell and unaffordable, but something I'll definitely be looking into.
Anyway, it's hard not to let anxiety or resentment surface. It's brewing, definitely - and I'm suppressing it, going forward with my plans and trying to make the best of it.
Still, I caught myself thinking today about how I actually almost joined the Air Force when I turned 18 because I thought it was the only way I'd be able to support myself, go to school, and have opportunities in life. Then Bush became President, which not only served as a great join the Air Force deterrent, but made me incredibly relieved that I hadn't. Yet, I've spent my entire adult life under that regime, which has entailed a mass wave of road blocks and hopelessness. And now, 8 years later, we've plummeted into a vast economic depression where our entire country is picking up the pieces from that relentless disaster, and even with all of that recovery and hope, I just got laid off.
It's not a productive line of thought, in the slightest. So instead I focus on feeling optimistic that, even though it will be difficult, things are looking up. Even though it won't be easy to find a trans-friendly employer here or job opportunities at all, when I do find one, they WILL be trans-friendly. Being who I am is definitely a good system for weeding out the chumps I wouldn't want to work with or for anyhoo, even though I don't have a lot of weeds to hack through.
Not to mention that now we actually are picking up the pieces instead of digging the hole deeper. Which is an unprecedented feeling in my adult life and feels really, really good.
Speaking of task #4 today (ewwww), clothes sho--.. ugh, it's hard to type those words together. Clothes s-s-.. shop-- , ahem.. clothes shopping (gah!) was brutal. I figured that acquiring one nice-looking-fits-well shirt was worth the investment so I can land my doesn't-fit-in-old-tattered-rags self a spiffy new job. And it feels good, too. Kind of like a "fresh shirt, fresh start!" sort of feeling. Or something.
Still, talk about being an unusual shape that doesn't fit into anything. Lots of upper body musculature developing, body fat in mid-redistribution. It's awkward, for sure. And somehow, finally, I was able to find ONE SHIRT that somewhat fits and even has a cute little tiny panda on it. Not too much panda, though. Just enough to make me appear joyous.
I bet it's some brand name or something. I don't know. He kind of looks like Evilbunny. All I know is that it's a cute looking panda. And a second-hand panda, at that.
Dang! I feel guilty bitching about my little pink eye! I thought I had bad luck. Keep your head up! It sounds like you are staying on track, even though it may feel like you are roaming lost in the woods.
ReplyDeleteMel, I've been trying to figure out all of the insurance stuff myself since I didn't apply for it right away.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you probably have until mid-June or something before you have to make any decision so that's good... Plus with this new stimulus plan you should only have to pay 35% of that $450 a month, to keep your coverage and it should take place immediately if you choose to opt for it.
McCann is obligated to get you information about the stimulus plan by April 17th so hopefully we will both be getting that soon and we can make a better decision about applying for COBRA.
When I heard you were let go this was the first thing I tought of since I've been trying to unravel the puzzle for a while now...
There is more info here: http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq-cobra-premiumreductionEE.html
Anyway, good luck. And I can tell you from experience that those animals are going to be spoiled in the days to come and you will be getting more cuddles than you ever have ;)
hi. i don't know how you'd feel about working for "the man" but the VA regional office may be opening up good positions pretty soon... i can keep you in the loop if you'd like. (good pay, good insurance)
ReplyDeleteMonkey Outlaw: I feel guilty bitching about this even, actually, seeing as there are people who have little kid dependents who need lunches and check-ups, or people who have dire life-threatening health problems and desperately need insurance, or people who are minorities in other regards, or super mentally ill or ... ugh. Our economy right now. Boo to it!
ReplyDeleteCrystal: And, it turns out that I can get a different plan that's $250, and pay about 30% of that! Which is 80gazillionx's more affordable!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you for your support and the super uber helpful info. You're the best. :]
elbie: Do keep me in the loop! Email me! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThis whole situation just really blows. I'm sorry :( Good luck with the job hunt and with the insurance stuff. I don't know if you would qualify for medicaid but it might be worth a shot...
ReplyDeleteOh, and your kitty is adorable :)
Layoffs suck so hard. I got laid off once. I cried in public and then drank a couple of beers and half a bottle of Jameson's and puked in the sink.
ReplyDeleteYour kitties are the cutest.
i believe in you meL!
ReplyDeletewakeuplovely: Cobra should work out for a bit. I'm just waiting for details to come in the mail!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the concern and kitty compliment. ;]
Manna: Ha! You poor thing! Admittedly, I did drink a soda pop to drown the pain away.
ReplyDeleteNeekrs: At least someone does! ;P
ReplyDeleteMel,
ReplyDeleteEvilbunny new brand is called enjoi. They've got some gayboy clothes that you and I would look great in, and, we'd be showing the world your obnoxious cat.
Andrew: Gasp! Did you just call my little precious in his dapper tuxedo OBNOXIOUS? How dare you! Next we cross paths, you and I...
ReplyDelete