Creep

I noticed a peculiar and grody social shift in myself last weekend. One that's peculiar, unprecedented, and causes me to shudder - just a wee bit. A little back story: The me I knew prior to December 11th (the day I had my first injection) would, in general, attempt to woo hapless damsels by listening, asking a slew of questions, learning bits n' pieces, and ultimately fusing an emotional bond. It wasn't an intentionally devised, conscious effort - it just happened that way.

Then I'd witness males interacting with individuals they were attracted to - noticeable because of how blatant it would generally be. The intense space invasion, leering eye contact, leaning in, arm/leg touching... etc., etc. When it would happen to women who weren't seemingly reciprocating I'd think to myself, "What a creep, invading her space like that! Just lean back a little!"

Now?

Unfortunately, and I hate to admit it, but I'm partially understanding the creep behavior a little better. Not that the uber creep intrusive grody crap is, at all, acceptable - but, there's an underlying element that pilots the mindless obnoxious male-in-general hordes, that's definitely exacerbated by nurturing, societal elements.

For me, the nurture is the same - the natural isn't. So on Saturday I caught myself, well, essentially acting like one of those creeps. To some extent.

With one girl, throughout our interaction I felt like my same ol', excited and partially nervous self determined to woo and impress. However, upon reflection, I realized that I'd done a number of things I'd never, ever done before. I leaned in towards her. I gazed intently into her eyes. I touched her arm at some point. And her leg. I even told her she "looked smokin'".

What the?

Seriously?

Did that really happen?, I thought.

It's like this subconscious wave takes over, fueled on adrenaline, excitement and.... and it's almost literally impossible to consciously think about it as it's happening. I just do. Then reflect.

Prior to this whole hormone-ridden ordeal, I'd reflect, ponder, then do.

She was receptive and all was well. I somehow didn't actually come off as a creep. I just know myself better and can compare and contrast between my behavior prior and now. It's mind boggling to me, the mindless physical impulses that entail after the injection of one.little.hormone and literally alter my subconscious behavior that I'm constantly, always, reflecting upon and thinking about.

On a semi-related note, I went out with that adorable trans girl the other night. She "went all out", dressing in the way that she feels most comfortable and connected with, but she asked questions about where we were going, exactly. If it was a dark dance club or a brightly lit concert, for example - because she had to really consider if the scenario would be safe for her or not. I reassured her that everything would be okay, but it was saddening to me that she even had to think about the possibility of something violent happening and felt even an ounce of fear about just going out into the world as herself.

On my end of the spectrum, I've at least escaped dealing with the stigma of "cross-dressing" as a feminine-appearing individual dressing masculine. Throughout my transition, I haven't changed how I present myself or dress, aside from just growing out of smaller clothes and into larger ones.

50 years ago that could've been a different story for me, where I one day decided to stop baking cookies at home, wearing a little dress (but secretly dressing how I felt most comfortable and connected, in a more masculine manner, when no one was around), then one day went out in public with jeans, a t-shirt, and short hair. For her, that ridiculous gender abusive stigma is very present and real in 2009.

I'm not sure if it helped, but I tried to reassure her by telling her about the time I'd gone to my support group and various trans women shared stories about their first experience going out in public dressed feminine. Every single one of them conveyed how terrifying it was. How just walking into a grocery store, her heart raced, body quivered, and the anticipation of something horrible happening was all-consuming - yet, for all of them, nothing bad happened. It was okay. Yes, some times people might say something, or people might look - but who's to say that they're not just curious and interested, rather than hateful and intolerant? Or so I hope.

Anyway, it wasn't up to me, and she did ultimately decide to fully dress up, go out and, despite feeling uncomfortable in some moments, she had a good time and everything went well. Wee!

Moving right along... some transtastic FTM news popped up on my radar today!

Chastity Bono Changing From Woman to Man
Chastity Bono, civil rights advocate, journalist, author and musician, is in the early stages of changing her gender — transitioning from female to male, TMZ has learned. Read more &t;