A few weeks ago my grandpa called and invited me to play on the extended family softball team. I've felt a little nervous in regards to writing about extended family, but I'm going to convey my perceptions and feelings as clearly as I can, while respecting anonymity!
I've mentioned my cute little ol' grandparents here a few times - about how they're both refreshingly supportive of me, especially given the generational barriers between us. My cousins n' aunts n' uncles n' whatnot have also been good, in general, when it comes to being friendly and respectful towards me and my partners. I don't get to interact with them all too often and when I do it's usually maybe a few times a year around the holidays. They interact with one another a great deal, however - presumably due to having more in common (most are married, have children, etc.)
All n' all, I feel super uber fortunate to have the support and acceptance that I DO have. It's especially important from my mom, dad, and brother, who combine together like a Power Ranger Megabot to form a solid back bone that I've relied on throughout the years. I hate to imagine what it would feel like to endure this physiological disconnect, the taunting, the prejudice, discrimination, this state, intolerance in general, without it. Because of their support, it's always been very clear to me that I'm not the problem. I'm not the source of pain and discomfort in the world. I'm not the trouble maker, the rabble rouser, just by existing - despite what others might feel or say. Intolerance is the problem. Ignorance. Discrimination. And it changes, throughout time - through exposure, interaction, and dialogue.
Even though I don't see my extended family all too often and 98.5% of the time they're super friendly and awesome, there are little inklings of discrimination that come oozing through the cracks when I get too close - and it impacts me in ways that I rarely experience. It resulted in my distancing a bit throughout the years, sadly. Especially as I started recognizing my "differences".
The most clear experience that fused my discomfort in 'getting to close' was back in 2003 when I had a cousin e-mail me in secret. She was 15 years old then, asking about my female partner and I and how my parents, the family, and the general public react(ed). I told her that I was a lot happier being myself, even though it was terrifying at first in many ways. I pointed out that it helped me to be around other queer or queer-friendly kids, where I felt comfortable and accepted by my peers.
She wrote back, expressing that she was attracted to women, had no one to relate to and worried that if her parents found out she’d endure emotional rejection and might even get kicked out. Her self-esteem was suffering and she felt completely alone. She was also finding it progressively more difficult to go to school and for years had been taunted daily for being a "tomboy". In addition to same-sex attraction – she was also suffering the brunt of not adhering to rigid gender norms.
After e-mailing back and forth a bit (she didn’t want to call because she was worried that her parents would overhear), I told her about an upcoming Friday movie night at the Utah Pride Center's T.I.N.T. (LGBQT youth program). I also gave her some phone numbers she could call there to reach the Youth Activities Director and counselors. She got all excited, but didn't know what to tell her parents to get out for the night.
Friday rolled around and my little cousin didn't show. I wrote her to let her know that the youth center had activities all of the time, and included a link to their online activity calendar. A couple of weeks went by until I heard back from her again.
She wrote saying that she had gone to school and accidentally left her e-mail open. That she got home and her parents had read all of it – including e-mails from her school counselor (to whom she had expressed anger about her parents, things about her attraction to women, that she felt depressed, etc.) I was blamed. Her parents rationalized that I'd been brainwashing and influencing their daughter. She was banned from going downtown where she might decide to spend time with me, her cousin.
That following weekend she was having a birthday party. The whole extended family was invited. Due to everything that had happened, my Grandma called me and advised that I shouldn’t go to the party. I was uninvited.
Not because I'd done anything wrong. Unwelcome because I responded to my cousin reaching out, who desperately needed support. Because of this, I was banned from her birthday party and from a social gathering with the extended family. The concern oriented around her heterosexist parents, that they were going through a hard time.
Oy. I remember wishing that they would all realize the seriousness of her situation, but instead everyone just wanted the dust to settle and concluded that the best way for that to happen was by excluding the minority in the situation - me.
Ever since, I felt a lot less inclined to be around my extended family. I distanced a bit, knowing that if I dug beyond the surface, things like this may happen more frequently. And ever since all of that happened six years ago, my little cousin has said about 4 words to me - at most.
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Back to a few weeks ago, out of nowhere my grandpa inviting me to play on the extended family softball team. I felt all giddy about the invitation and enthusiastically replied "Yes, of course!", without hesitation. After being a bit distant throughout the years, I felt like this was a clear and fun way to get to know my extended family a bit better and, in turn, help them understand me better.
The family softball games happen on Tuesdays, which is the same night that an advocacy group for trans people in Salt Lake meet. Despite this conflict, I rationalized that it would be worth NOT going to the group meetings throughout the summer just to have this opportunity with my family. I was asked to "play as a girl" to fulfill the team's gender quota, where the rules dictate that they have to have x amount of male players and x amount of female plays. I told my grandpa that I'd "play as a girl" on the team. Yes, it would be difficult for me - but when it comes to having an opportunity to play with the family and fulfill a silly gender quota, I'd do it.
Later that day, during lunch my pops and I had a discussion about what I feel is a silly, sexist setup in co-ed softball leagues. We yapped about rules that assume female players are – by default – inferior players.
### Sexist softball league side rant ###
For example! The league notes in its softball rules that if a pitcher decides to “intentionally walk a male player to get to a female player than the batter will be awarded two bases.” There are a slew of messed up rules like that. I understand that there are rules setup to protect weaker players from stronger players - but basing it on someone's gender - or perceived gender - does nothing more than perpetuate sexist stereotypes. There are plenty of males who are weak and non-athletic, and a lot of females who are strong and athletic. What if there's a scrawny amateur guy and a woman who used to play on a college team or something? It's ridonkulous!
Rickey phrases it well in Your Weekly Softball Report: On Gender Politics, The Zen of Right Field, and The Glorious Mercy Rule:
### End sexist softball league side rant ###
Apparently my pops visited my grandparents and a discussion ensued about the co-ed softball league rules potentially being sexist. The word got out that "Mel might not take first base if a male player is walked..." which then fueled a panic about my "rabble rousing".
I had not discussed how I felt with anyone in my extended family, but next thing I knew I received an e-mail from my grandma saying,
Also,
Likely meant we'd lose the game? Why? Because I'm assumed to be a weaker, inferior player who can't get myself and the "male" on to second base to home by batting?
The e-mail came out of nowhere to me, since I hadn't had a discussion with my grandma about feeling it was sexist or not. The hysteria was fueled by one discussion about it with my dad - and next thing I knew, I received an e-mail from my Aunt, also:
After all of these years and finally having this opportunity presented to me to have fun with my extended family members and get to know them - without even saying a thing about it, before showing up to even one game, panic ensued about my coming and "causing discomfort" or "being on a mission".
An uproar fueled by misunderstanding me entirely - basing my existence on a rabble rousing minority stereotype (e.g. if a majority community like heterosexuals hold hands in public, it's fine - if a same-sex couple does it, it's forcing it on others). I immediately thought about how, if they get that concerned about the possibility that I'd choose to bat vs. walk to first base if a male player was walked, what would happen when my facial hair became obvious and I wasn't binding? Would they support me then, or would that also be perceived as "being on a mission" and attempting to "cause discomfort"?
I replied to them and the situation was diffused. Yet, because panic and hostility had been so easily generated over something so little, without my even showing up to one game yet or actually saying or doing anything, I felt a great deal of anxiety about going. On one hand, even though I felt incredibly uncomfortable about the prospect of playing, how else would we get to know one another? How else could I become less mysterious, foreign, and terrifying to them?
In the end and as my stomach turned over the prospect of attending the game, I decided not to. I worried that I'd be too immersed, too frequently, and that too many things may potentially occur to provoke problems. I wrote to my grandma, telling her I wouldn't be able to come to the games, but would come watch when I could. To which she replied, "We hope to see you at some of the games." That way I can accomplish getting to know them better and vice versa, but with some amount of distance and safety.
Sigh.
Coed Softball Rules: Institutionalized Sexism
Your Weekly Softball Report: On Gender Politics, The Zen of Right Field, and The Glorious Mercy Rule
I've mentioned my cute little ol' grandparents here a few times - about how they're both refreshingly supportive of me, especially given the generational barriers between us. My cousins n' aunts n' uncles n' whatnot have also been good, in general, when it comes to being friendly and respectful towards me and my partners. I don't get to interact with them all too often and when I do it's usually maybe a few times a year around the holidays. They interact with one another a great deal, however - presumably due to having more in common (most are married, have children, etc.)
All n' all, I feel super uber fortunate to have the support and acceptance that I DO have. It's especially important from my mom, dad, and brother, who combine together like a Power Ranger Megabot to form a solid back bone that I've relied on throughout the years. I hate to imagine what it would feel like to endure this physiological disconnect, the taunting, the prejudice, discrimination, this state, intolerance in general, without it. Because of their support, it's always been very clear to me that I'm not the problem. I'm not the source of pain and discomfort in the world. I'm not the trouble maker, the rabble rouser, just by existing - despite what others might feel or say. Intolerance is the problem. Ignorance. Discrimination. And it changes, throughout time - through exposure, interaction, and dialogue.
Even though I don't see my extended family all too often and 98.5% of the time they're super friendly and awesome, there are little inklings of discrimination that come oozing through the cracks when I get too close - and it impacts me in ways that I rarely experience. It resulted in my distancing a bit throughout the years, sadly. Especially as I started recognizing my "differences".
The most clear experience that fused my discomfort in 'getting to close' was back in 2003 when I had a cousin e-mail me in secret. She was 15 years old then, asking about my female partner and I and how my parents, the family, and the general public react(ed). I told her that I was a lot happier being myself, even though it was terrifying at first in many ways. I pointed out that it helped me to be around other queer or queer-friendly kids, where I felt comfortable and accepted by my peers.
She wrote back, expressing that she was attracted to women, had no one to relate to and worried that if her parents found out she’d endure emotional rejection and might even get kicked out. Her self-esteem was suffering and she felt completely alone. She was also finding it progressively more difficult to go to school and for years had been taunted daily for being a "tomboy". In addition to same-sex attraction – she was also suffering the brunt of not adhering to rigid gender norms. After e-mailing back and forth a bit (she didn’t want to call because she was worried that her parents would overhear), I told her about an upcoming Friday movie night at the Utah Pride Center's T.I.N.T. (LGBQT youth program). I also gave her some phone numbers she could call there to reach the Youth Activities Director and counselors. She got all excited, but didn't know what to tell her parents to get out for the night.
Friday rolled around and my little cousin didn't show. I wrote her to let her know that the youth center had activities all of the time, and included a link to their online activity calendar. A couple of weeks went by until I heard back from her again.
She wrote saying that she had gone to school and accidentally left her e-mail open. That she got home and her parents had read all of it – including e-mails from her school counselor (to whom she had expressed anger about her parents, things about her attraction to women, that she felt depressed, etc.) I was blamed. Her parents rationalized that I'd been brainwashing and influencing their daughter. She was banned from going downtown where she might decide to spend time with me, her cousin.
That following weekend she was having a birthday party. The whole extended family was invited. Due to everything that had happened, my Grandma called me and advised that I shouldn’t go to the party. I was uninvited.
Not because I'd done anything wrong. Unwelcome because I responded to my cousin reaching out, who desperately needed support. Because of this, I was banned from her birthday party and from a social gathering with the extended family. The concern oriented around her heterosexist parents, that they were going through a hard time.
Oy. I remember wishing that they would all realize the seriousness of her situation, but instead everyone just wanted the dust to settle and concluded that the best way for that to happen was by excluding the minority in the situation - me.
Ever since, I felt a lot less inclined to be around my extended family. I distanced a bit, knowing that if I dug beyond the surface, things like this may happen more frequently. And ever since all of that happened six years ago, my little cousin has said about 4 words to me - at most.
------------
Back to a few weeks ago, out of nowhere my grandpa inviting me to play on the extended family softball team. I felt all giddy about the invitation and enthusiastically replied "Yes, of course!", without hesitation. After being a bit distant throughout the years, I felt like this was a clear and fun way to get to know my extended family a bit better and, in turn, help them understand me better.
The family softball games happen on Tuesdays, which is the same night that an advocacy group for trans people in Salt Lake meet. Despite this conflict, I rationalized that it would be worth NOT going to the group meetings throughout the summer just to have this opportunity with my family. I was asked to "play as a girl" to fulfill the team's gender quota, where the rules dictate that they have to have x amount of male players and x amount of female plays. I told my grandpa that I'd "play as a girl" on the team. Yes, it would be difficult for me - but when it comes to having an opportunity to play with the family and fulfill a silly gender quota, I'd do it.Later that day, during lunch my pops and I had a discussion about what I feel is a silly, sexist setup in co-ed softball leagues. We yapped about rules that assume female players are – by default – inferior players.
### Sexist softball league side rant ###
For example! The league notes in its softball rules that if a pitcher decides to “intentionally walk a male player to get to a female player than the batter will be awarded two bases.” There are a slew of messed up rules like that. I understand that there are rules setup to protect weaker players from stronger players - but basing it on someone's gender - or perceived gender - does nothing more than perpetuate sexist stereotypes. There are plenty of males who are weak and non-athletic, and a lot of females who are strong and athletic. What if there's a scrawny amateur guy and a woman who used to play on a college team or something? It's ridonkulous!
Rickey phrases it well in Your Weekly Softball Report: On Gender Politics, The Zen of Right Field, and The Glorious Mercy Rule:
"The insinuation here seems to be that women are an inherent handicap and adding one more entitles a team to compensate for this by adding a dude. Call Rickey nuts, but this seems a rather bad message to send... We can’t help but wonder what Emmeline Pankhurst would’ve thought about all this. She’d probably travel through time and organize her own feminist all-star softball team consisting of Abigal Adams pitching, Susan B. Anthony at first base, Elizabeth Blackwell playing second, Margaret Sanger at shortstop, Gloria Steinem at third, and Ruth Ginsberg catching behind the plate with Mary Wollstonecraft, Lucy Stone, and Sojourner Truth manning the outfield. They’d be called the Bra Burning Betties and they’d totally fucking win."
### End sexist softball league side rant ###
Apparently my pops visited my grandparents and a discussion ensued about the co-ed softball league rules potentially being sexist. The word got out that "Mel might not take first base if a male player is walked..." which then fueled a panic about my "rabble rousing".
I had not discussed how I felt with anyone in my extended family, but next thing I knew I received an e-mail from my grandma saying,
"Team T***** Co-ed Softball games have been wonderful for our family and for all our little kids. We want you, as a member of our family, to play. We want you, however, to come and play and to be a team player and contribute. We do not want you to come on a mission"(emphasis added)
Also,
"Did I understand that if a guy is walked and goes to 2nd base that, under no circumstances, you would not take 1st base, because such is sexist? That you would not follow the direction of the Coach to go to first even if it likely meant we would lose the game? Mel, if you choose not to compromise and feel you cannot abide by the current rules and options, please let us know soon so we will know what to do about players for tomorrow night's game."(emphasis added)
Likely meant we'd lose the game? Why? Because I'm assumed to be a weaker, inferior player who can't get myself and the "male" on to second base to home by batting?
The e-mail came out of nowhere to me, since I hadn't had a discussion with my grandma about feeling it was sexist or not. The hysteria was fueled by one discussion about it with my dad - and next thing I knew, I received an e-mail from my Aunt, also:
"As far as the walking rule. If you play as a guy and they walk you. Will you only go to 1st base? Because it is sexist to you? If so that is just not going to work...Same if you play as a girl and "must" hit instead of taking the automatic base... I like to take the base. It just makes sense for the team... Thats the way our team feels about it. Whats in the best interest of the team and our strategy. Just come and participate be a team player, dont force your opinion as a "condition" for you to play. You are always welcome to play obviously gma and gpa really want you and your family there BUT rules are rules and be a team player. Please dont force your opinion on all of us. I just dont agree that it is sexist. Never will. We will just have to agree to disagree."(emphasis added)
After all of these years and finally having this opportunity presented to me to have fun with my extended family members and get to know them - without even saying a thing about it, before showing up to even one game, panic ensued about my coming and "causing discomfort" or "being on a mission".
An uproar fueled by misunderstanding me entirely - basing my existence on a rabble rousing minority stereotype (e.g. if a majority community like heterosexuals hold hands in public, it's fine - if a same-sex couple does it, it's forcing it on others). I immediately thought about how, if they get that concerned about the possibility that I'd choose to bat vs. walk to first base if a male player was walked, what would happen when my facial hair became obvious and I wasn't binding? Would they support me then, or would that also be perceived as "being on a mission" and attempting to "cause discomfort"?
I replied to them and the situation was diffused. Yet, because panic and hostility had been so easily generated over something so little, without my even showing up to one game yet or actually saying or doing anything, I felt a great deal of anxiety about going. On one hand, even though I felt incredibly uncomfortable about the prospect of playing, how else would we get to know one another? How else could I become less mysterious, foreign, and terrifying to them?
In the end and as my stomach turned over the prospect of attending the game, I decided not to. I worried that I'd be too immersed, too frequently, and that too many things may potentially occur to provoke problems. I wrote to my grandma, telling her I wouldn't be able to come to the games, but would come watch when I could. To which she replied, "We hope to see you at some of the games." That way I can accomplish getting to know them better and vice versa, but with some amount of distance and safety.
Sigh.
Coed Softball Rules: Institutionalized Sexism
Your Weekly Softball Report: On Gender Politics, The Zen of Right Field, and The Glorious Mercy Rule
I understand this. Not because I'm a transguy, but I come from a huge baptist family that is 'supportive' on the surface... Yet so thoroughly uncomfortable, that's become awkward to be around them for extended periods of time
ReplyDeleteSisterSafetyPin: Yep, exactly. A huge baptist family eh? Geez. Now -that- would be awkward.
ReplyDeleteWow. Clearly soft-ball is not the issue here. I think you made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteI just joined a kickball league and they have similar sexist rules. It seems uber ridiculous considering first of all that we're a league of full-grown adults playing a children's game with a gigantic red rubber ball! I don't remember there being any rules about how many women are required to be on the field when I played kickball in the 3rd grade. Lame.
I can't even tell you how many times I've been uninvited to family Christmas parties, weddings, birthdays, all because I wanted to bring a girlfriend. I would be told, we just don't want to cause any problems. We just don't want anyone to say anything to you. We are doing this for your benefit. I also love that I am the only person who has to ask to bring someone to a family party. It’s perfectly acceptable though for someone else to show up with their boyfriend/girlfriend unannounced.
ReplyDeleteYour cousin story reminds me of my cousin. For months I would hear nothing but horror stories about how out of control my cousin was with drugs, it eventually escalated to where she was sent to a "rehab" in Colorado. She ended up dying from a supposed staph infection. Here is the kicker though…. I find out on the day of her funeral, she never did drugs, she wasn’t a bad kid, these were all stories her family had made up to justify sending her to a turn your gay kid straight camp. The even better kicker, I later found out she had been beaten by her father during a weekend break from the program. She apparently had made the mistake of telling him she was still attracted to girls. When she got back to the “rehab” the staff dismissed the fact that she was beaten due to the reasons of why she was beaten. She ended up dying from internal bleeding and not a staph infection, like it was listed in her obituary. Her family will still 8 years after the fact tell people she died from a staph infection from piercing her own tongue, I guess its easier for them to live in denial then admit that they attributed to their own daughters death. Families are mighty wonderful!
Manna: For serious! I guess it's not until after puberty that women become inferior and weaker.
ReplyDeleteKegg: Geez. Talk about an example of what can happen when families don't want to "cause any problems" or kick up any dust, at the expense of LGBQT family members. :( That's really, really tragic. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteHey cousin! To protect your anonymity and the fams, I deleted your post since it links to your account. Here it was:
ReplyDelete"Haven't said more than four words to you? Hm. This has nothing to do with my parents. I've talked to you since, and I've been nice since- you're the one that's kept yourself distant and has been pushing everyone else away.
I invited you over for thanksgiving and I remember you responding that you could visit the family another time when you didn't have to watch everyone consuming meat. That's your own belief and that's perfectly fine, but that's your own decision. No one else is making you be vegan, and making you miss Thanksgiving after Thanksgiving.
While I don't think it's right that you were uninvited to the birthday party, you've kept yourself pretty closed off on your own as well.
Back to only saying 'four words' to you.
Do you remember at Grandma's 50th anniversary when I sat at your table and you immediately got up and walked off? Hmmmmm. Wonder why I haven't said much more to you. That's a pretty fucked up way to treat family, if you ask me. Even if it was a joke, you took it too far and never came back. You still expect me to try and contact you and talk to you after that? After I've continually tried and you've continually come up with reason after reason to not involve yourself?
I honestly don't know where you're getting this 'four word' stuff from."
And in response,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'm really excited that you read my blog and responded to this!
Just to clarify, I didn't mean the "more than four words" to sound like it was against you or that you've done anything wrong - you haven't. I think this is definitely breaking some ice, and it seems like you've potentially thought I've been upset at you all this time. I haven't been.
I was pointing out that, from my end of things, there had been a dramatic turn of events after everything that ensued in regards to dialog between us (i.e. it went from more to very, very little). Everyone HAS been nice - I didn't say that you or anyone hadn't. It's when I got "too close" that there were big problems and I was very concerned that doing so again would generate more problems.
So yes, in many ways, -I- have been distant, resulting from fear of getting too close. That's the moral of the post. Whenever I do try to get close or take opportunities to do so, things get all wonky.
In regards to Thanksgiving, that's another story altogether that has nothing to do with any of the above. That's mostly just due to spending a bundle o' time making a huge animal-friendly feast in order to have a vegan Thanksgiving with my immediate family and veggie friends. There is just not enough time to fit everything in. I try to make it, but run out of time. It's really difficult. I don't even have a car.
Also it does get really hard being around so much meat after years of never being around any thing like that. That particular holiday is VERY oriented around it. I try to make it over after all the cooking and eating. But, then it just gets to be too late. :(
I don't remember that at Grandma's 50th anniversary, actually - I think I was worried that it would get you in trouble if you were talking to me. I was worried about you. It obviously gave a very wrong impression. My apologies!
It did feel like that, it kind of felt like the whole thing was spruced up a little bit to make it seem like everything was going back at you. And how the situation was handled wasn't right, and I think the people that can realize that, do realize that.. it happen-ed-.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing anyone can do, but it happened. I'm pretty sure just about everyone is over it by this point.
In regards to Thanksgiving it was just an example of where you have drawn yourself away and made yourself more distant than anyone has made you since it happened. That's not the only holiday. I remember inviting you to July 4th, 24th, My mom and Brother's August birthday parties, etc.
I dont think you've been upset with me, no.. but the way you treat the family is a little bit ridiculous sometimes. We have different beliefs, the entire family does, which is just how life is. Everyone understands that. But making a big political show or protest of some sort about every little thing turns everyone off, it makes the family not want to invite you to things because it will be made into something that it shouldn't be.
...Like the softball games for example. Whether or not its sexist I'm not going to get in to, but its a prime example.
Stop pressing your agenda on your family. Not everything is about you, your transexism, sexism, and what society says are social norms.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a victim.
It's people like you, who walk around and force your agenda onto other people that make it harder for the gay rights movement. Extremism doesn't get anything accompllished, it alienates, and divides, as shown in your very blog post about your family. They must be sick and tired of you politicing them.
So it's the one black sheep "pushing" his agenda on all of the poor white sheep. It could not possibly be at least partly an issue with the white sheep? Why heck no.
ReplyDeleteIt would have been nice if Mel had at least attended one softball game before receiving emails, posts, and phone calls warning him to fully comply with any and all entirely gender based rules.
Perhaps you missed the fact that Mel identifies as male but was still happy to participate as a female. Or that Mel planned to give up every trans-awareness meeting just for this chance to be with his extended family. That must not much of a sacrifice for someone transitioning from female to male.
Mel must just "want" to separate himself from his extended family. Yeah, that must be it. That darn black sheep. What a jerk.
I think Mel may have forgotten to mention that he was threated with criminal charges if he talked to his cousin. That darn Mel. What a trouble maker.
Anonymous: I wasn't "sprucing up" the situation. I actually tried to sound as neutral as possible and downplay what occurred a great deal. And yes, it did happen, this is true. I wasn't conveying the story in order to alter anything 6 years later. I was conveying it in order to give an example of a time when I did get "too close" and what happened.
ReplyDeleteFor quite some time after that occurred, if you recall, I was NOT invited to family functions. When I was re-invited, it was incredibly uncomfortable. In many ways I felt disappointed that, even when I was just responding to a cousin in need, I was perceived as being a politicizing rabble rouser kicking up dust.
It's through a combination of not being invited and picking up on that discomfort (which you admitted when saying "... turns everyone off, it makes the family not want to invite you to things because it will be made into something that it shouldn't be.") and personally withdrawing that led to feeling so excited when I did receive an invite to come and play softball with the family.
Which then led to feeling incredibly sad and disappointed when things went crazy without my saying a single thing to anybody in the extended family aside from, "I'd love to play!" and "Yes, I'll play as a girl."
Remember that I didn't have a conversation with anyone in the extended family about feeling anything was sexist. I hadn't even showed up to one game yet. I suspect that the "big political show or protest" I put on "about every little thing" that "turns everyone off" is 100% due to cultural difference, homophobia, and misunderstanding. For example, I know as a fact that I've never had a political discussion with anyone in the family. I just show up and socialize about whatev.
Is it a "big political show or protest" when I show up and don't eat animals? Or when I show up and hold my partner's hand? Or by having obvious political interests that are never discussed with the fam?
Why isn't it a big political show when people do eat animals? Or when a male cousin has his female partner sit in his lap? Because those stem from majority culture and ideology, maybe?
Thanksgiving is an exception where it's difficult for me time-wise to make it. I try to make it out, even though it's located way far from where I live (and, keep in mind, I bicycle everywhere! I'm a dirty hippy like that - which, if I did show up on my bicycle, could also be perceived as "making a big political show or protest of some sort", even though it's a completely normal, every day thing for me).
I do not recall these other invitations. I apologize. :(
When I got the invite to play softball it was out of nowhere (to me), and I was uber giddy and even willing to NOT go to trans-advocacy meetings that are very important to me in order to play with the family.
By the way, respond here if you wanna, but you're also welcome to call, message, or e-mail me to communicate further or to notify me of all future invitations!
Nik: Am I to "uppity" for you?
ReplyDeleteSince conveying my experience and emotions is supposedly considered "extreme" to you, I suppose the good n' considerate thing to do would be to stay on the back of that bus so that you majority folk don't get so uncomfortable like.
My profuse apologies!
Pops- Did you miss the part in my post where I said the situation wasn't handle right? Did I ever say, anywhere, that there wasn't any problems with the 'white sheep'?
ReplyDeleteI thought I made it pretty clear that there were issues on both sides. Hm.
Mel & Pops - Its a big political show/protest/whatever you want to call it when everything that is said is twisted and turned to be whatever you don't want it to be. Or so it seems.
Nobody cares if you hold your partners hand, or if your partner sits in your lap. We're all well past that, at least as far as I'm concerned, and I think the fact that everyone is past it means that you have to come up with other things that the family, as a whole, is doing to discriminate against you.
Now don't take this wrong- I am not saying this is how it is. I am saying this is how it seems. All I am trying to do is provide you with a view from the other side. (You should be well aware that I'm not on either side. I can see and understand where each and everyone is coming from) While there are people in the family (my parents, for example) who aren't comfortable with your lifestyle, they're still willing to accept it and treat you just like anyone else in the family. Because you're family.
As far as I know.. your dad mentioned the 'sexist' rules to dear ol' grandma, and made it rather clear that he, nor you, were very happy about the rules.
I don't eat meat either, and I haven't for years now.. yet I still show up to every family event, and every thanksgiving, and no one is uncomfortable around me when I make my vegetarian foods. Same with another cousin of ours who is also vegetarian.
Lets face it, things could have been done differently on both sides of the table.
To clarify, I wasn't trying to speak poorly about anyone or setup a me vs. the fam scenario. We're all family, which is exactly why conflict has an emotional impact that it doesn't coming from strangers.
ReplyDeleteI utilize my blog to share my own perceptions and emotions. I'm careful to protect the anonymity of anyone I mention. My fam IS very sweet and loving - I was trying to make that clear in the opening paragraphs. There are families who are VERY intolerant of minority family members, to the extent that some times they're even entirely disowned. Some of the time those minority family members are so afraid of conflict that they stay in the closet and do everything they can to prevent conflict they'd be blamed for.
I shared the 2003 story to demonstrate what I fear - an example of when the hostility came out in a very extreme way (that isn't a subjective interpretation - it was clear homophobia triggered by my interaction with a cousin), which immediately resulted in my being outcast from the family for some time and even legally threatened. For nothing more than responding to a cousin in need, who felt afraid and isolated.
I love my family and want to see everyone. I adore how our family can get together with such diversity. It's exceptional. This is exactly why I distanced in many ways - which may not have been a good decision. It wasn't even necessarily a conscious one. It just happened. I wasn't invited and, in turn, I grew more distant and afraid to "put my foot in the water", so to speak.
Especially so that I could maintain ties with my cute extended family. Although, it's hard to distinguish between not being around AT ALL and what's "too close".
Hence feeling so disheartened by what happened when an opportunity was presented to me to get to know everyone better and, in turn, help everyone get to know me. When the dust kicked up without my even showing up or saying a single thing to anyone in the extended family - the prospect of going every.single.tuesday, in a situation where the issue of gender will inevitably come up time and time again, I felt anxious. And that fear isn't, at all, unwarranted.
###you have to come up with other things that the family, as a whole, is doing to discriminate against you.###
What did I come up with? I asked that because it's the most I've ever done around the extended family to "push" anything, aside from when I responded to a cousin in need. What political show or protest are you referring to, if not my just showing up and being myself? Or not showing up, even - but potentially showing up?
###they're still willing to accept it and treat you just like anyone else in the family.###
But what does that mean, exactly? I do love and appreciate that, when I am invited and I'm able to go to a family function, everyone is friendly and nice to all hell. This is exactly why it's so important to me to stay in contact with my extended family and, hopefully, get to know everyone better. Still, it's difficult to feel safe after experiencing how easily some family members can be triggered when something about me provokes them. It's immediately perceived as "pushing" or "forcing" something, or "being on a mission", which just makes me feel horribly anxious, misunderstood, and like I'm walking on fragile ice.
This is why I concluded that I still DO want to go to the games - but to watch, where my perceptions on gender and my inevitable gender variance won't become an issue (i.e. being on a team with family members who think I'm "on a mission" and out to provoke everyone). I couldn't help but to imagine that, if it's such a huge insult that I might do something like bat instead of taking a 1st base, what would happen when I showed up to a game with facial hair and wasn't binding? Would my family support me, or all turn against me and feel provoked, thinking that I'm doing it to upset everyone and "force" something, even though I'm just being myself and blundering along, living life a bit differently?
I hope that makes sense. :]
Hi Anonymous. Did I remember to tell you that you are awesome. Well, you are. We should chat about all of this stuff offline at some point. I think that as you pointed out - there are mis-perceptions all around.
ReplyDeleteI am very proud of my parents, my siblings, and of all of my nieces and nephews. Everyone is amazingly accepting and tolerant.
Of course, even in the best of circumstances things can get a bit tense and there are misunderstandings and disagreements. That's OK.
I have lively discussions all the time with my parents about all kinds of subjects. We often disagree. That is one of the most amazing things about my parents. I can disagree with them and they still love me and respect me and I love and respect them.
I precipitated this current "crisis" because of a discussion I had with my parents. In my opinion rules based solely on a person's gender are sexist. That is basically the definition of sexist.
You do need special rules to allow a range of people of different sizes and skill levels to play sports together. Rules like not sliding into home base to protect small players from being injured. But,those rules do not need to be based solely on a person's gender. There are large, powerful, and athletic women and there are small, weak, and nonathletic men. Both can and should be accommodated. Mel plays softball on a team with lots of diversity and they have many of the same rules. It works out just fine.
Now that is an interesting debate and all, but it really does not have anything to do with Mel. When I was disgussing this with my parents I had no idea what Mel's opinion was at all on the subject. I was only expressing my own opinion to my parents.
What was surprising was that my discussion with my parents ignited a bit of a firestorm. Suddenly Mel was being contacted and warned not to be "on a mission". It is pretty easy for me to see why Mel might get a bit concerned, especially after some things that happened in the past.
Remember that Mel has not played even one game. There has not been any "mission" or any "refusal to follow a rule" or "refusal to follow the coaches instructions". It has not happened. To the contrary, Mel willingly agreed to play as a female when asked. That is no small sacrifice for a trans-gendered person. It was just assumed that there would be problems because I had a discussion with my parents about what I consider to be sexist.
When asked, Mel said he would prefer to hit rather than walk. I am sure that if the coach really thought Mel needed to walk he would do what the coach asked. The issue does not really have anything to do with anything the Mel has done. It is all about people's perceptions of what they think could happen.
What I think would happen is that everyone would have a great time and that it is all a big todo about nothing.
Sounds to me like you need to tell your “pops” that you’re an adult and to shut the fuck up and stay the hell out of your business. It sounds like he was the whole damn problem to begin with, and your blaming it on everyone else. He needs to quit trying to live his life vicariously through yours.
ReplyDeleteSecond - here is some free advice take it for what it is worth. Marcus Aurelius, a stoic and one of the “Five Good Emperors” of Roman taught that a man’s destiny is not controlled by the actions of other men, but by man’s reaction to those actions of other men. (and before you make a stink out of it, I use the term man in the general sense, not as a specific or gender term. Just as the term goose refers to the species in general not the female of the species in particular even though it is the proper term for a female goose.)
You cannot let the agency of others distract you from the happiness in your life. Stand up and quit making yourself a damn victim. Live life and be happy regardless of what other think, control your own damn destiny. You know not a day goes by that I do not feel the stares or hear the sinkers from people because of who I am, and yes that even includes from some of my family, but I’ll be damned if I am going to let them determine my happiness in life. Their people they have flaws, but I still love my friends and family, all of them.
Do what makes you happy in life, if you want to play softball with your family, play, if you want to sit on your partners lap at family event do it. But, from reading your response to comments left, it looks as though what makes you happy is providing excuses and blaming everyone else for the actions you choose and for your own misery. If you are proud of who you are take pride in it! And don’t act like an uppity miserable bastard because someone said BOO! You choose to be the victim, you make yourself the victim by your reactions and then bitch about what you yourself choose to do and call it everyone else’s fault. Hell it sounds like you even blame the state in which you live for your problems, if your not happy get the hell out of there!! Remember, it is the choices you make that determine your happiness not the choices others make. So go be happy in life who the hell cares what others think, it is your HAPPINESS!!
Oh and I almost forgot, practice what you preach and quit being so damn judgmental about your extended family.
Anonymous: I agree, in regards to living life as happily as possible, despite the bumps that pop up along the way. And believe you me, there are quite a few (Utah.Utah.Utah). Hence becoming so frickin' good throughout the years at learning to see the optimistic side of things.
ReplyDeleteBut that doesn't necessitate ignoring those pesky bumps. It takes a.) recognition of those bumps and b.) trying to address them in order to pave the road to make it a bit smoother, especially for future generations (fortunate for me, A LOT of those bumps have been tackled by older generations, which I appreciate a great deal. But there are many, many more).
###You cannot let the agency of others distract you from the happiness in your life.###
It's not a "distraction" from my own, personal happiness. There have been people throughout history who have been capable of finding happiness in even the most desperate of conditions. Even while enslaved, for example.
But that doesn't require that individual to be content with those circumstances. Or if they express their perceptions and experiences in regards to certain circumstances, to then be condemened for "making [themselves] a damn victim", if that makes sense?
Ghandi once said, "I have found that mere appeal to reason does not answer where prejudices are age-long and based on supposed religious authority. Reason has to be strengthened by suffering and suffering opens the eyes to understanding." It's through all of our various stories and experiences that we can learn from one another and make progress. It doesn't mean that you have to entirely agree with a minority's perception - but at the very least, respect an individual's courage to share their experience. Openness is a vital component of social progress and helps us decrease our fear and empower ourselves.
It's a good thing, and generates a whole bundle more happiness in the end for all of us - majority included.
Calm down n' relax. :]
So, I am confused. Did you just "OUT" your cousin on your blog? Isn't that pretty damn rude?
ReplyDeleteSince the cousin you "OUTED" reads your blog it's pretty safe to assume more of your family reads your blog.
Coming out is a pretty big deal emotionally and mentally. Did you even consider your cousin's feelings or wishes? For all the ranting you have done about how your "think" your family treats you for being lesbian/transgendered you would think you would have enough compassion to shield others you seem to care about from the same perceived treatment.
Seems like you are doing things to alienate your family, NOT the other way around. Maybe you should reflect on your own treatment of your family and make adjustments accordingly.
I am pretty sure your just a selfish bastard with no regard for others feelings or desires.