Last night my brother and I watched a documentary called Southern Comfort. It's about the last year of Robert Eads' life, a transsexual man living in Georgia who died from ovarian cancer in 1999. He was refused treatment by dozens of doctors in and around Atlanta. And when he started transitioning he was counseled that he wouldn't need to undergo a hysterectomy and oophorectomy.
It was a sad but inspiring documentary. It was pretty clear that he'd died because of discrimination and due to the majority of doctors (especially in the south) not knowing the first thing about transgender health.
A few months after he was expected to die, he wore a suit and went with his friends and trans partner (who was caring for him in his final year) to speak at the Southern Comfort Conference (a trans conference). In his memory, the conference now has the Robert Eads Health Project,
But every day it gets harder and harder to imagine the reversible reversing - and it makes me anxious to think about keeping ovaries and a uterus that have been shut off and exposed to an abundant amount of testosterone for 5'ish years. The thought of having a pap smear every year thereafter also doesn't sound great. Maybe it's just me rationalizing what I prefer (to live in connected harmony), but it actually sounds a lot more dangerous to keep them than to have a hysterectomy.
And as my new compromise, I've decided to inject for about 5 years, THEN to switch to transdermal testosterone (topical testosterone delivery through the skin, by the use of a patch, gel, or cream) to maintain changes, which is usually applied to the skin daily in small doses in an effort to keep a steady level of testosterone in the system at all times. From everything I've read it sounds a lot less harsh on the body.
Prior to starting hormone therapy I had no idea what it felt like to, well, connect. It's indescribable. For me, however, it's a bit unsettling socially because I'd adjusted to being visibly gender non-conforming for the first 26 years of my life. I'd learned to embrace it over time and felt that, just by being myself, every day I was a protest against a bizarre gender binary and an example of the diversity that exists in the world. Aside from the occasional "not in the mood for a big bathroom scene" or being banned from LDS-owned properties just by being "offensive" in appearance (that's another story - one I should share in this blog some time), being followed by a truck-full of bigots hollering "faggot!" or something along those lines, I loved it.
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran
Losing my visible gender non-conformity is uncomfortable and sad, but the neurological perks are... wonderful. It's definitely some phenomenon similar to what people with phantom limb syndrome seem to be experiencing. Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, famous for his work regarding phantom limbs, explains it:
I just learned about V.S. Ramachandran today. After I searched around for articles about phantom limbs while writing this blog entry, I just learned that he presented a hypothesis and preliminary results on transsexuality! Wow!
Now that's a MUCH better "analogy" than phantom limb syndrome.
It's so exciting. Something that hits much, MUCH closer to home base than anything else I've come across so far. Keep it up, Ramachandran. Please. I can't wait to read more.
Show Transcript: Transsexuals and the phantom penis
A few months after he was expected to die, he wore a suit and went with his friends and trans partner (who was caring for him in his final year) to speak at the Southern Comfort Conference (a trans conference). In his memory, the conference now has the Robert Eads Health Project,
'"determined that no transgender person should needlessly suffer or die due to a lack of medical attention."Watching this compelled me further to seriously consider obtaining a hysterectomy as soon as I can, preferably within the next 4 years. Initially I'd planned to stop testosterone therapy after some significant, irreversible secondary sex characteristics had kicked in.
But every day it gets harder and harder to imagine the reversible reversing - and it makes me anxious to think about keeping ovaries and a uterus that have been shut off and exposed to an abundant amount of testosterone for 5'ish years. The thought of having a pap smear every year thereafter also doesn't sound great. Maybe it's just me rationalizing what I prefer (to live in connected harmony), but it actually sounds a lot more dangerous to keep them than to have a hysterectomy.
And as my new compromise, I've decided to inject for about 5 years, THEN to switch to transdermal testosterone (topical testosterone delivery through the skin, by the use of a patch, gel, or cream) to maintain changes, which is usually applied to the skin daily in small doses in an effort to keep a steady level of testosterone in the system at all times. From everything I've read it sounds a lot less harsh on the body.
Prior to starting hormone therapy I had no idea what it felt like to, well, connect. It's indescribable. For me, however, it's a bit unsettling socially because I'd adjusted to being visibly gender non-conforming for the first 26 years of my life. I'd learned to embrace it over time and felt that, just by being myself, every day I was a protest against a bizarre gender binary and an example of the diversity that exists in the world. Aside from the occasional "not in the mood for a big bathroom scene" or being banned from LDS-owned properties just by being "offensive" in appearance (that's another story - one I should share in this blog some time), being followed by a truck-full of bigots hollering "faggot!" or something along those lines, I loved it.
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran
Losing my visible gender non-conformity is uncomfortable and sad, but the neurological perks are... wonderful. It's definitely some phenomenon similar to what people with phantom limb syndrome seem to be experiencing. Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, famous for his work regarding phantom limbs, explains it:
A possible explanation for this is that the brain is sending signals to the missing hand, and in the absence of feedback from the missing arm the signals are continuously sent without the availability of a shutoff mechanism. To counteract this, Ramachandran reasoned, the brain needs to receive visual feedback that the arm is moving in the correct manner. Ramachandran and William Hirstein "constructed a ‘virtual reality box,’" (mirror box) to allow "patients to perceive movement in a non-existent arm." The box has a mirror and a place to put the existing and phantom arms. The patient sees his real arm in the mirror, which creates the illusion of two arms. When the patient sends motor commands to both arms, they receive visual feedback that his phantom hand is moving properly. For many patients, this technique has been effective in relieving phantom limb pain.An analogy the HUGE IMPACT that internal mapping has or whatever phenomenons like this tap into? For me, definitely. This part - the transsexual part - has absolutely nothing to do with gender and everything to do with some kind prenatal influence, mapping - some neurological connection - that I can't explain for the life of me. It's a mystery to me. I don't understand it, but I do understand the toll it has on me. How it has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem and consumed me from the inside out. Prior to hormone therapy, I never knew what anything else felt like. And now I do, more-so than ever.
Now that's a MUCH better "analogy" than phantom limb syndrome.
It's so exciting. Something that hits much, MUCH closer to home base than anything else I've come across so far. Keep it up, Ramachandran. Please. I can't wait to read more.
Show Transcript: Transsexuals and the phantom penis
Transsexuals usually want sexual reassignment surgery. A typical remark from a male is they feel like a woman trapped in a male body and their penis doesn't belong. V.S.Ramachandran wonders what is going on the brains of transsexuals. He notes that if the penis is removed due to cancer, the patient feels a phantom penis. If the penis of a transsexual is removed, there is no phantom penis. What does this say about the hardwiring of the brain? Ramachandran says we have a brain-based body image detailed down to the fine anatomy of the genitals. Read Show Transcript >p.s. I will be going out of town with the family until next Sunday!
That documentary made me tearful. I hear a lot about discrimination, but when I can actually see a human life affected by it, that's when it really hits me.
ReplyDeleteMaxwell is planning to make a sequel, "Southern Comforted: Lives Touched by the Documentary Southern Comfort", on how things have changed --sort of-- since then.
"This part - the transsexual part - has absolutely NOTHING to do with gender and everything to do with some kind of bizarre neurological connection that I can't explain for the life of me."
That's sort of how it feels to me. I think that, for me, gender might have had something to do with it: as a kid, maybe I identified with men; and since men aren't supposed to have breasts, I assumed I wouldn't have them either. Now, I know that my body doesn't make me less of a guy, but there's something ingrained in my mind that makes my body feel wrong.
I had no idea that there was a second documentary in the making. Nice!
ReplyDeleteAbout gender, I actually think it's not the best phrasing to say it has "absolutely NOTHING" to do with it.
To clarify, in my own interpretation I feel that the "transsexual" aspect of my experience has nothing to do with my gender identity, masculinity/femininity, orientation, etc. - and has more to do with some kind of intrinsic mapping that's being violated.
The rest I babbled on about are separate components affecting overall identity - and, with gender, it feels like a conscious identity; a lot of which seems to be socialized and cultural. I think that, growing up, two options were ingrained: "boy" or "girl". Everyone called me "girl" and used feminine pronouns, which I was indifferent towards - or would use masculine pronouns and freak out apologize; but it's always been a really bizarre 'what's the big deal what they think I am? Why all the freak out and separate gendered expectations?' sort of shindig for me.
I also think that a lot of the reason I now prefer masculine pronouns is mostly due to being sick and tired of the feminine ones; and, on a socialized level, I think that throughout puberty and due to my brain being physiologically convinced it was supposed to develop one way - a way very similar to that "boy" category - they became more comfortable and "accurate", even though they're not.
It's interesting and mysterious, that's for sure. Less so over time! :]
I saw that documentary at Sundance when it premiered. It was amazing to me that one of the best movies I'd ever seen, and completely altered my world view, was being shown in some dingy little dollar theater to a crowd of less than 50. It's always on the top of my list for favorite movies. Watching Lola change throughout the movie (if you watch it a second time) is really a moving story.
ReplyDeleteI think it's really important that you are planning out short, medium and long term goals for your transition and change. When you've blogged about laying out some of those goals I've thought of this movie and how some of our choices can have a really long term effect (like Robert's cancer, but also the Thomas Beatie story.) Remember you plans are a great guideline, but you don't have to get married to them - your plans should be able to transition as you do, too.
On a different note, I stumbled across this article today:
http://www.macleans.ca/article.jsp?content=20050912_112043_112043&source=srch
seems to be a very nice, friendly discussion of gender identity and fairly accessible to people outside of the community. There's nothing really new to see there, but you can put it in your stash of resources for friends.
dscokween: "your plans should be able to transition as you do, too." - I agree. Well put. :]
ReplyDeleteThanks for the article and always-great feedback!
I learn sooo much from your blog every time I read it and even though I'm not transsexual myself, I'm still curious and always interested about learning as much as I can in general... I'll have to check this documentary out...
ReplyDeleteYou know, I tried to read your blog but I was so distracted by the fact that the picture of you looks like a younger version of the picture of the man you put in your blog that I had to tell you right away before I continued reading :)
ReplyDeleteI must say, I have done some experiments using the "mirror box." And, I can see how it has been effective in removing phantom limb syndrome. But, I found it fascinating transitioning individuals(not sure how to be properly PC here so please forgive) do not have this sensation. I have learned so much from you being a silent observer in your changes. What an educational and insightful blog you have created. And thank you, for opening my eyes in ways I was unable to do for myself.
ReplyDelete