Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

Just a couple of days ago, I received a $900 bill from the U of U hospital for the anaesthesia required during my surgery. My first payment of $89 would be due on the first of September. Admittedly, I was surprised to receive a huge bill after just paying almost $5,500 out of pocket. But I wasn’t upset. I think, pre -surgery, I might have been. Post -surgery? I’m way too floaty high up in super ecstatic land to be negatively affected. My affirmations kicked in with, “Eh, I guess I’ll figure out how to start making payments. It’s probably a blooper of some sort anyway.” So I brought it up to Haley, Dr. Agarwal’s medical secretary. When I checked my e-mail a minute ago, she’d responded telling me to ignore it and that the anaesthesia bills for self pay patients are supposed to be sent to Dr. Agarwal’s office. WHEW!

So honestly, throwing up a photo like this is unprecedented for me. In fact, back in my “before times”, I’d poke fun at people who threw up “ooo look how cute I am.” photos. I was all about the modesty. But now? Uh, yeah, alright, modesty is still awesome and all - but, from now on, it’s not for me. Guess who doesn’t have to wear a binder ever again and feels super cute 4 the 1st time eva? Me! Already I’m losing precious study time having so much fun exhausting myself romping about in the world. I feel absolutely ecstatic and the most comfortable I’ve ever experienced. I can look at myself in the mirror. I can look down at my bare chest. I can even take a photo like this and throw it up on my blog. I never knew it was possible to feel this awesometastic !!!

Had my first and second day of classes Wednesday and Thursday! The lessons I’ve learned so far? It’s hard to carry books less than 2 weeks after surgery. Sweating in a compression vest is itchier than in a binder. Nipple grafts freak me out. Today I see my surgeon and find out if my tissue is livin’ or dyin’! Yay! Statistics = intimidating. I also endured a lot of hugs. But fortunately, most everyone who wants to hug me also reads my blog - and know to do so side ways, gently, and semi-awkwardly. I foresee this being a good semester. In other news, not riding a bicycle SLAYS ME. I feel like a chubby little lump on a recliner chair. Which I am, but seriously… I absolutely can not wait to peddle furiously in sweaty booblessness celebration!

After working from home on a recliner chair in jammies for a week, I returned to the office yesterday. Wee! I’d predicted that the worst case scenario would involve my being an idiot and trying to lift heavy things when I shouldn’t - but, that didn’t happen. Instead, the worst case scenario turned out to be what I refer to as a "bro shake". I hadn’t realized how often this happens in my world… or maybe just on a college campus (and elsewhere?), but there’s a LOT of grab-hand-hard-and-shake-arm-or-fist-bump-or-variations-of-this going on. To which I responded to this time with a whimper and, "Careful. I just had surgery.” This happened about five painful times. There was one guy who bounced in to the office while I was in there with a couple of other students. When he went in for the bro shake I diverted with, “Just had surgery. No shaking for me.” This prompted him to ask, “Surgery? What for?” Me: “My chest…” Him: “Chest? Did they operate on your heart or somet...

ignominioum asked: I just wanted to say that I admire you. Very much. I hope you are extremely happy and so forever. Awwww! Thank you!!!

Compression vest washed. Hair did. Squeaky clean. I smell like a bundle of hacked up rose peddles. Well, I doubt I smell that good - but after 6 days of funk? Sure seems like it. Now time to heal and study in preparation for a super important placement test Monday before classes start on Thursday. 2 week summer ~ FIN ~.

supjeffreydahmer asked: I have so much respect for you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and likely making things less scary for the transgendered community. My operating room photos might have a “more scary” backfire effect. ;P Honestly though, thank you! Blogging was super uncomfortable initially, as I’d always known myself to be a hyper private person. But, I remember how isolated in my trans experience I felt during my adolescent teeny bop years. So now? I love sharing my own little experience because you’re 100% spot on - more visibility and honesty about our diverse experiences as individuals is way positive. Less fear, less isolation, more understanding… so thank you for reading and caring! :)

I didn’t notice this until earlier today when I removed the compression vest to finally get cleaned up - but I have lacerations on both sides from wearing the vest for 6 days. Why I didn’t feel these, I don’t know. Pain killers initially - but I stopped taking them Tuesday. The moral of this story? Leaving my vest on for 6 days was entirely worth these lacerations, which require less help healing than my chest and nipple grafts. But definitely something to watch for with anyone reading who may be having a similar surgery in the future. My compression vest has been washed and is now hanging up to dry while I relax in the front room with my mom. Topless. Lacerations, bruising, swelling, stitches, and nipple grafts gots NOTHIN’ on how absolutely comfortable and relieving this feels. I still can’t believe that this has happened. The reality is setting in little by little and I love it. My mom put some Neosporin and bandages on the lacerations. We also removed the bandages from th...

Bandage/Stitches/Drain Tubes removal by my surgeon, Dr. Cori Agarwal, earlier today (Aug 16, 2011). I’ll be wearing the compression vest for another 1 - 3 weeks; and I have an appointment in a week with Dr. Agarwal to see how I’m healing.

Dr. Cori Agarwal removing my drain tubes earlier today - which is 6 days after my double incision mastectomy with nipple/areolar grafting. It was essentially painless and just felt like a brief pinch.

As a warning, these photos are extremely graphic , but also incredibly informative and educational.

Earlier today I learned that Dr. Cori Agarwal’s medical secretary would come in to take photographs during my 3 hour surgery on August 11, 2011. As a warning, these photos are extremely graphic , but also incredibly informative and educational. This is why I’m displaying them after the “read more” button below instead of as a photo gallery. Extremely Graphic:

Earlier today I bravely ventured forth into the world twice. First in the morning with my dad for coffee nearby. Then all inspired and confident in my outdoor adventuring abilities, downtown for vegan hot dogs with Andrew and Aaron! I had envisioned a grand 2 hour adventure of sitting and chatting - but, in reality, I made it 45 minutes before whimpering for Andrew to drive me home so I could nap. But more exciting than those 45 minutes? Tomorrow I get these pesky drain tubes and bandages removed ! Can’t wait!

My father just spontaneously transferred some photos from a USB stick of his on to my netbook. Photos from Thursday and Friday - none of which I remember. Well, except for this first one. This one I remember. Pre-Op, in the waiting room with my parents. Getting poked with my first intravenous drip ever was the scariest part. The first attempt in my hand didn’t work out, due to some valve don’t-wanna situation going on. Fortunately, Nurse Arlene was super distracting and comforting as she poked me in my left arm instead. I do not remember this one. At all. First Post-op Picture EVER! Where’d ma boobies go??? My earliest memory was of Nurse Arlene (above) giving me a popcicle. And of almost vomiting on the car ride home after I’d pleaded for my father to pull over for coffee. The next day at home. Or that night. Not sure. Also don’t remember this one - but Gany is super concerned. “Wazzup with Uncle Dexter? Will he empty those drains into my food bowl if I sit here ...

At the rate at which I’ve been spoiled throughout this recovery… I’m tempted to come up with excuses for a major surgery every week (not really). Whenever I sit on the recliner chair I obnoxiously whimper: “help. help. help. help.” and my sweet mom will come lift the foot rest for me. Which I quite literally can’t do on my own - but still, she does this for me about a hundred times a day and night. And then places a soft blanket on me. I’m above and beyond lucky to have my parents and kitties and pup here for me. The other night I woke up around 4 am, as my mom seemingly slumbered in the recliner chair next to mine (which she's doing just to be here for me). I didn’t want to wake her, so I did my best to slowly lean forward and to quietly lower the foot rest (I can lower it, just can’t pull it up). As I stood in the darkness I suddenly heard: “What’re you doing? Where’re you going? What do you need?” There’s no escaping the radar of a mother, that’s for sure. It’s like I’m post...

On a side note, the nurse warned me that the compression vest I’d have to wear after surgery was, verbatim, “one size fits none”. Fortunate for me, it’s apparently a “one size fits one ” - me ! It’s a perfect fit and hasn’t caused me any discomfort whatsoever - especially in comparison to the world of binding I’d grown used to over these past couple years. The pressure is similar … but without any breast tissue underneath being compressed. Which is such, a foreign and exciting relief. I can’t imagine how great it’s going to feel to have this vest removed Wednesday and to let my skin breathe and to actually see and feel my new chest. For the first time yesterday and especially today I’ve begun to feel tingling and “jolts” under my bandages as my nerve tissues heal and fuse and … joy.

The surgery went perfectly and I’m now in a compression vest loaded up on Hydrocodone, Cephalexin, and Promethazine being babied by my parents, basking in episodes of Ugly Betty while kicking back in a super pimp comfy recliner chair (best hand-me-down gift ever ), trying to prevent the kitten from running across my chest again to get to her grandma (my mom), and guzzling down Coconut Juice through a straw. And, most likely, won’t remember having posted this in approximately 10 minutes from now. Yay!!!! I’ll post pictures and more details soon, but essentially, this is the BEST DAY EVER. It has really happened, at long last. This is real. So real it’s unreal. Even if I vomit, I’ll be thinking, “I’m vomiting because I HAD JUST TOP SURGERY! YAY!” Which, seriously, out of the million + 1 reasons someone may vomit, is #1.

Getting a LOT of rest today. I’m loaded up on nausea/vomiting and pain pills currently (plus an antibiotic and Zantac for heart burn), Vitamin C, and lots of Coconut Juice n’ Chick’n Noodle Soup. I had no idea that I would be this immobile. Even trying to open a can or unplug something hurts. Fortunate for me, my mom is the best care-taker ever and has been going above and beyond to keep me comfortable. And we’ve been watching “comfort horror” movies together that we used to watch when I was little - starting with Lost Boys. Woot! The best thing ever for comfort, by the way, is this recliner chair. It’s so comfortable and ideal for recovery. I even slept in it last night. Oh, and my mom slept in the recliner chair next to me last night and reassured me that it was okay to wake her up if I needed anything. Which I did, at 2am - to use the restroom and take more pain and nausea medication. I’ll have my compression vest on until next Wednesday, the 17th. This is also the day that ...

… from my friend, Julian (who had top surgery last year) and his awesome partner, Rose (who was there for him). The two of them took the time last night to put these 24 tips together for me - and so I’m sharing them with you guys, too! Cuuuute : Move all items to lower level where you can extend your arm straight and reach Use straws to drink Have 2 week supply of “comfort food” Get shoes you can put on without hands - you wont be able to reach down and tie anything Be ok with being stinky for about 2-3 weeks - wont be able to shower Get a friend to give you a sponge bath Have 2 weeks worth of entertainment i.e movies, music… LOTS of PILLOWS. You will not be able to lie down flat; use pillows for support Don’t attempt to reach anything - you can hurt self and damage scar tissue Need a few shirts that close in the front, like button up comfortable shirts Pants that are easy to put on & off Apply mederma when the tape comes off 3 times a day Don’t peal off anything If ...

hockeyscion asked: I'm really happy for you. I'm jealous of the courage you have for transitioning. I hope your surgery goes perfect and again, I'm just really happy for you =] Awww, thank you! I think, the courage shindig isn’t “transitioning” per se… but, mostly realising that focusing on what I might lose by being my honest n’ genuine self is nowhere near as awesome as focusing on everything I have gained : Openness and freedom to be me ! This underlying principle applies to any minority-in-the-face-of-a-biased-or-discriminatory-majority. :) Yes, lots to legitimately fear, but also much to gain. Again, thank you. I’m indescribably excited!

Vlog about my trip in Berkeley and my excitement for surgery tomorrow!

Here is a graphic video of the procedure I’m scheduled for tomorrow - a complete double incision mastectomy with nipple grafting. This particular surgery is performed by Dr. Daniel Medalie who explains the operation throughout. This may be too graphic for some (including me - I’m not watching the entire thing until after surgery), but it is a great source of info:

is tomorrow !!!!!

I’m now in Berkeley! It’s so nice here. There is green vegetation stuff galore, humidity, a cool breeze, I can breathe, bicycles all over the place… and, best part, when we went to Trader Joe's earlier there were shoppers wearing backpacks . In Utah? 99 times out of 100 I am the only person in the market with a pack - meaning, I either walked or peddled there. Here? I’m drowning in a sea of pedestrians and cyclists! Not to mention — aside from veg-friendly and veg places GALORE — there’s also an all-vegan cinnamon roll place and soul food place super close. Oh my. Food shouldn’t be so exciting - but, eating new vegan food is pretty much my #1 favorite thing to do when I travel. The flavors are always so new and exciting; and the neighborhoods harboring veg places are always havens for a slew of other awesome local cozy things. Oh, and I have a dorm room all to myself! It’s such a life saver. So, in general I switch between two binders — one for walking long distances or to ea...

Packing to travel has always been easy for me. A few rolled up t-shirts, a pair of pants or two, underroos, socks, deodorant, toothpaste, yada yada… done and done. Small enough to carry-on and off I go, yonder to wherever. But this time, for an academic conference? No horror t-shirts and basketball shorts all mushed up into a backpack. Instead, I actually went out and got a luggage situation and packed it with button ups, ties, slacks, shorts, one t-shirt, and a fo’ real real suit. I followed this guy’s barely audible instructions on Youtube for How to Pack a Suit . And, another difference — for the first time I’m travelling with my vial of Testosterone Cypionate and syringes. I have a little plastic container that Aaron lent me to pack the syringes in. I’ve tried reading around and, apparently, I can bring my syringes and testosterone in carry-on with me? I also asked about it in a local trans-masculine social group on Facebook and received comforting feedback that other guys had tr...