That gender topic sure does come up a lot, especially now that I'm transitioning. In general peeps around me seem to be very perplexed by why I'd want to "transition", but have no desire to necessarily identify as "male" (I'm indifferent when it comes to whatever pronouns or gender reference someone uses towards me). For me, as I briefly explained in my first post, my transitioning has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with experiencing what I'd describe as a "physiological disconnect". I want to experience what it's like to actually connect with my body in this one and only life time. Why does that have to have anything to do with my gender identity?
Before I start chopping away at this, I'd like to clarify so there aren't terminology barriers. In a nutshell, here's how I understand gender, all of which is a social construct.
I've been very confused and frustrated by the gender binary going on here for as long as I can remember. Even though I didn't have the words for it, it's never really made sense to me - especially since I'd become a bit skeptical about my own gender identity early on via my experiences. I've never intentionally put any effort into appearing androgynous or into acting more masculine or feminine. I'm just me, bumbling along in a world that adheres to a very confusing, nonsensical binary - a world of masculine men and feminine women. The end, period.
I remember going to this camp shindig in high school for naughty youth who were tardy too much, which entailed a series of little exercises about diversity and tolerance (I actually came out sexual orientation-wise at this camp). They had one exercise in particular that was pretty surprising and memorable for me. The facilitator would separate the room according to the gender binary - "males" on one side, "females" on the other. The facilitator would then ask a series of questions and whoever it pertained to could raise their hand, irrelevant to gender. The moral of the exercise being that, in general, a lot of polarized gender abuse occurs.
For example, one question was, "Have you ever been hit for crying?". Not a single 'female' raised her hand, but every 'male' (but the two I happened to be friends with, and who also happened to not be hyper-masculine and felt comfortable expressing themselves in a more laid back, fluid way) DID raise their hands. It was astounding to me, and that binary dynamic continued to occur. "Have you ever been sexually harassed on the street?", etc., etc.
THEN, on top of it all, I wonder how many individuals are hurt by this binary and what would happen if it were deconstructed so that we could just be ourselves. Well, maybe 'deconstructed' isn't the best way to phrase it. More like acknowledging and accepting that gender is a lot more complex than our culture tries to convey. And orientation. Individuals. Stuff n' things. I wonder how much variation would emerge, especially when so much variation already emerges historically when cultures become more open, progressive and fluid.
It also doesn't seem like those of us who don't fit the binary are the only ones hurt (maybe just more skeptical or hyper-aware of it due to experience), but even individuals who do seemingly fit. For example, with men, occupation-wise they're a million times more likely to take on the more dangerous jobs. Something around 92-100 percent of occupational deaths every year are men. Some of the most hazardous occupations - truck driving, construction, fire fighting, mining, the night shift at 7-11 - are occupied by men. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, those occupations and others have 96-98 percent male employees. And with 'women', the list also goes on and on.
I even think about something as simple as "men" and "women" bathrooms (one cultural example of very gender binary, polarized spaces) and how uncomfortable and awful it must be for a feminine man to go into those men-only spaces, who don't perfectly adhere to those masculine stereotypes, or the crap I've endured being a more masculine-appearing individual using women's restrooms. Gah!
Anyhoo, it's been a bit of a pickle trying to explain this to people, even other transgender individuals. Even though I'm transitioning physically, I could care less if I'm running around mega-hairy and I'm introduced as my father's "daughter" or show up at a "women's only" party. What's perplexing to me is how confusing that would be to the recipients, since I will fit that "woman" category even less than I do currently. "This individual is mega-hairy. They must be a "male"! Why, that's the stereotype and category most appropriate!"
Still, it does exist, and it's going to be a very... interesting experience socially when my voice drops to some extent and I'm consistently read by strangers as male. As it is now, if I'm walking down the street near a woman who's alone, she will read me as a male and act cautious, but when I say something, I'm immediately non-threatening and everything is okay. I'm predicting that I will have to adjust to suddenly becoming a threatening person for women, to being interacted with differently and expected to conform to a slew of "male" stereotypes, so on and so forth.
Oh! Not to mention that my pick up lines won't be as cute anymore.
"Hey, I may not be the cutest person in here, but I'm the only one talking to you..."
Now: Giggling and conversation ensues
Soon: *SLAP*
Binding
Something I've learned about binding! Since I'm now a sweating, smelly beast (I used to use a spray that would last all day. Nowadays, however, it stops working in less than an hour and now I'm using a stick. I've been recommended Tom's of Maine or Old Spice by cisgender guys, and will test this advice at some point in the near future here), my binders rub near my armpit area and have been getting a bit sore and seemingly threatening to want to become a rash of some sort. As of yesterday I've started wearing a soft li'l tank top underneath my binders in hopes that this will prevent some of that sweaty skin friction going on.
Next Injection: January 8th
My next injection is going to be this Thursday, January 8th. I'm going to really try to self-inject this time and I'm all nervous and excited about it. Earlier tonight a few cute friends of mine got all enthusiastic and excited about it and want to lend support and watch/help after the Trans Action (political transgender group that's had one meeting so far) meeting that night. Gadz I'm a wimp.
** About that "physiological disconnect" phrase, I started to use it some time ago to describe my experience after reading a series of studies in Europe, particularly the Netherlands, in regards to hormone development in embryos and how that relates to variation in sex, the physiology of our relationship with our anatomy, etc.
I caught wind of this after watching an HBO documentary in 2005 called Middle Sexes: Redefining He & She, where, at the Dutch Institute for Brain Research, they discovered in tiny clusters of nerve cells that the brain structure of MTF transsexuals were more like biologically female structures and, likewise, in FTM transsexuals, they were more like biologically male structures. This, "explains that the brains of transsexuals have not developed in agreement with their genitalia."
Here's an excerpt from a super neat paper written in 1997, stated in a very colorful, not dry at all manner,
Before I start chopping away at this, I'd like to clarify so there aren't terminology barriers. In a nutshell, here's how I understand gender, all of which is a social construct.
Gender - Self-expression, performance, actions, behavior, dress, grooming of culturally prescribed norms based on binary of male and female.K, now that the fun part is over (yes, that was the fun part of this particular blog entry), on to the dry and never-ending nitty gritty.
Gender Identity - Inner sense of ‘being’ male or female, both, or neither, includes sense of self and one’s image presented to the world. Self-identification.
Gender Binary System - Culturally defined code of acceptable behavior only for 2 gender system of male/female. Men/boys are to exhibit masculine gender presentation, behaviors, and social roles. Women/girls are to exhibit feminine gender presentation, behaviors, and social roles.
Assigned Sex/Gender -Based on physical anatomy of genitalia.
I've been very confused and frustrated by the gender binary going on here for as long as I can remember. Even though I didn't have the words for it, it's never really made sense to me - especially since I'd become a bit skeptical about my own gender identity early on via my experiences. I've never intentionally put any effort into appearing androgynous or into acting more masculine or feminine. I'm just me, bumbling along in a world that adheres to a very confusing, nonsensical binary - a world of masculine men and feminine women. The end, period.
I remember going to this camp shindig in high school for naughty youth who were tardy too much, which entailed a series of little exercises about diversity and tolerance (I actually came out sexual orientation-wise at this camp). They had one exercise in particular that was pretty surprising and memorable for me. The facilitator would separate the room according to the gender binary - "males" on one side, "females" on the other. The facilitator would then ask a series of questions and whoever it pertained to could raise their hand, irrelevant to gender. The moral of the exercise being that, in general, a lot of polarized gender abuse occurs.
For example, one question was, "Have you ever been hit for crying?". Not a single 'female' raised her hand, but every 'male' (but the two I happened to be friends with, and who also happened to not be hyper-masculine and felt comfortable expressing themselves in a more laid back, fluid way) DID raise their hands. It was astounding to me, and that binary dynamic continued to occur. "Have you ever been sexually harassed on the street?", etc., etc.
THEN, on top of it all, I wonder how many individuals are hurt by this binary and what would happen if it were deconstructed so that we could just be ourselves. Well, maybe 'deconstructed' isn't the best way to phrase it. More like acknowledging and accepting that gender is a lot more complex than our culture tries to convey. And orientation. Individuals. Stuff n' things. I wonder how much variation would emerge, especially when so much variation already emerges historically when cultures become more open, progressive and fluid.
It also doesn't seem like those of us who don't fit the binary are the only ones hurt (maybe just more skeptical or hyper-aware of it due to experience), but even individuals who do seemingly fit. For example, with men, occupation-wise they're a million times more likely to take on the more dangerous jobs. Something around 92-100 percent of occupational deaths every year are men. Some of the most hazardous occupations - truck driving, construction, fire fighting, mining, the night shift at 7-11 - are occupied by men. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, those occupations and others have 96-98 percent male employees. And with 'women', the list also goes on and on.
I even think about something as simple as "men" and "women" bathrooms (one cultural example of very gender binary, polarized spaces) and how uncomfortable and awful it must be for a feminine man to go into those men-only spaces, who don't perfectly adhere to those masculine stereotypes, or the crap I've endured being a more masculine-appearing individual using women's restrooms. Gah!
Anyhoo, it's been a bit of a pickle trying to explain this to people, even other transgender individuals. Even though I'm transitioning physically, I could care less if I'm running around mega-hairy and I'm introduced as my father's "daughter" or show up at a "women's only" party. What's perplexing to me is how confusing that would be to the recipients, since I will fit that "woman" category even less than I do currently. "This individual is mega-hairy. They must be a "male"! Why, that's the stereotype and category most appropriate!"
Still, it does exist, and it's going to be a very... interesting experience socially when my voice drops to some extent and I'm consistently read by strangers as male. As it is now, if I'm walking down the street near a woman who's alone, she will read me as a male and act cautious, but when I say something, I'm immediately non-threatening and everything is okay. I'm predicting that I will have to adjust to suddenly becoming a threatening person for women, to being interacted with differently and expected to conform to a slew of "male" stereotypes, so on and so forth.
Oh! Not to mention that my pick up lines won't be as cute anymore.
"Hey, I may not be the cutest person in here, but I'm the only one talking to you..."
Now: Giggling and conversation ensues
Soon: *SLAP*
Binding
Something I've learned about binding! Since I'm now a sweating, smelly beast (I used to use a spray that would last all day. Nowadays, however, it stops working in less than an hour and now I'm using a stick. I've been recommended Tom's of Maine or Old Spice by cisgender guys, and will test this advice at some point in the near future here), my binders rub near my armpit area and have been getting a bit sore and seemingly threatening to want to become a rash of some sort. As of yesterday I've started wearing a soft li'l tank top underneath my binders in hopes that this will prevent some of that sweaty skin friction going on.
Next Injection: January 8th
My next injection is going to be this Thursday, January 8th. I'm going to really try to self-inject this time and I'm all nervous and excited about it. Earlier tonight a few cute friends of mine got all enthusiastic and excited about it and want to lend support and watch/help after the Trans Action (political transgender group that's had one meeting so far) meeting that night. Gadz I'm a wimp.
** About that "physiological disconnect" phrase, I started to use it some time ago to describe my experience after reading a series of studies in Europe, particularly the Netherlands, in regards to hormone development in embryos and how that relates to variation in sex, the physiology of our relationship with our anatomy, etc.
I caught wind of this after watching an HBO documentary in 2005 called Middle Sexes: Redefining He & She, where, at the Dutch Institute for Brain Research, they discovered in tiny clusters of nerve cells that the brain structure of MTF transsexuals were more like biologically female structures and, likewise, in FTM transsexuals, they were more like biologically male structures. This, "explains that the brains of transsexuals have not developed in agreement with their genitalia."
Here's an excerpt from a super neat paper written in 1997, stated in a very colorful, not dry at all manner,
"Here we show that the volume of the central subdivision of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc), a brain area that is essential for sexual behaviour, is larger in men than in women. A female-sized BSTc was found in male-to-female transsexuals. The size of the BSTc was not influenced by sex hormones in adulthood and was independent of sexual orientation. Our study is the first to show a female brain structure in genetically male transsexuals and supports the hypothesis that gender identity develops as a result of an interaction between the developing brain and sex hormones"After wondering as a wee teenager, "What the bleep is up?" for years, those wonderful Dutch neuroscientists made me feel very warm, cozy, and not entirely alone in my experience.
True or not, gender stereotypes hurt us all
By Faye Flam
The Philadelphia Inquirer
The International Journal of Transgenderism
i don't know if i'd call it a 'pick-up line' but your classic, 'oh hello there' may come off a little creepy coming from a mel with facial hair, pseudo beer gut, and a deep voice. just sayin. but deep down, i wont be creeped out;)
ReplyDeleteOnly because you're gay.
ReplyDeleteonly because you're a creep.
ReplyDeleteMel- Hi! First, I'm really glad you are writing a blog about your transition to share with the world- that takes, er, balls. =) I think it is really important to help educate people in a down to earth, non-confrontational way about what it means to be trans. So...go you!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just read a poignant essay the other day about trans prisoners that really highlights exactly what it means to be trans in a society that so heavily insists on gender binaries. Its by Darren Rosenblum, called "Trapped in Sing Sing: Trans Prisoners Caught in the Gender Binarism." Your bathroom example made me think of it.
Anyway, I hope you are doing well. Will you send my a picture when you finally get that pervy 'stache (before you shave)? Please?
Miss you!
Les
Leslie: Awww, thank you!
ReplyDeleteAdmittedly, blogging is very out of character for me and it was difficult to start doing. Especially in regards to this particular topic... I've always been fiercely private about it, until very recently, due to deciding that it would be positive and helpful on various levels to share my experience.
Also, don't worry about not seeing my pervy 'stache. I'll "photo document" again in a couple of weeks after my next injection and won't shave until after then. As difficult as that will be! Plus, it fortunately isn't a 'stache yet - it's a slew of slight, noticeable hairs. Which is something!
Hope you're doing well, too!