The Job of Job Hunting

Good news about insurance! There's a cheaper plan that's around $250 I can opt for, and in a couple of months it will be 30% less than that.

Plus I'm receiving a small amount of severance, which will also help.

But! Partially bad news about hormones. I thought I had enough left for today's injection and the next one in 2 weeks but, low and behold, today was the last of it. Every little drop now floating around in my muscle tissue.

I'll call my doctor in a bit today to make an insurance-less appointment since, well, I'm in a time crunch between needing a new prescription and not receiving info from Cobra just yet. Hopefully by the time I actually have my appointment the Cobra shindig will be resolved.

I have also applied for unemployment, but I haven't heard anything on that just yet.

Speaking of my injection, today it was a little concerning. I slid the needle into my left thigh then sucked up a bit to make sure that I didn't hit a vein and no blood flowed in. It didn't, so I resumed injecting but, when I slid the needle out, quite a bit of blood came splurting out of my leg. This has never, ever happened before. I wiped the blood away then put a bandage over it. I'll check on it later, but what the fuu?

Ahem, anyway, with job hunting, I'm making sure to wake up every morning at 8am then I'm out of my apartment by 9am. I plan to make it my "job" to job hunt until about 1-2pm daily, then I'll go volunteer with groups and causes I care about to take full-out advantage of not being employed.

Since I don't own a laptop, my cute friend, Gina, offered for me to use her computer and apartment in the morning to do my dirty deeds. Despite this being a terrifying prospect for reasons that would take a blog of its own to explain, it became a tempting one. I accepted her offer.

So yesterday morning I called Gina to say, "I'm on my way!", then hopped on the train, which choo choo'd off towards her apartment where I experienced a shifting social dynamic. Despite being androgynous for all eternity and beyond, when I'd sit across from a woman on the train, I was "female enough" that we'd at least usually make eye contact, exchange smiles, and occasionally interact a bit. The social dynamic was comfortable and relaxed.

Essentially, it wasn't assumed that I was a douche bag making conversation just to get some.

The tide of social ease has started to shift these past couple of weeks. I thought that maybe it was isolated to just a few anti-social individuals - but, now that it happens time and time again, 100% of the time, I'm realizing that I'm being read as cisgender "male". Male enough, anyway, to completely obliterate that sense of ease and comfort when I sit across from a female individual.

Yesterday morning, for example, a lot of the seats were occupied on the train, so I randomly sat across from someone who turned out to be a.) female and b.) staring very, very intently out the window. I looked her way just a bit to see if she'd glance so that whole mutual smiling shindig could occur, but her body language was incredibly closed off and there was no way in hell she was going to risk looking my direction, making eye contact, and, god forbid, giving this guy across from her a social opening.

Realizing this caused me to feel awkward, knowing that my presence was causing this woman to exhibit "don't talk to me" body language hardcore, bracing herself for potential super intrusive social aggressiveness and lame pick up lines. I didn't want to look out the window, also, because it might appear that I was checking her out. I didn't want to look the other way, either, so I decided, ah ha! I'll take a book out of my bag and look occupied! This way I'll be looking down and busy, so maybe she'll relax and glance my way or initiate conversation when and if she chooses to!

Thing is, I get motion sick trying to read on the train. It's entirely just a prop to make the dynamic more comfortable. Talk about a super bizarre social learning curve. Good thing I always have a book in my geek bag.

And I need to figure out how to NOT look like a creepy guy. Or to disguise it, at the very least.

In order to attract a male's attention, according to Cosmo Girl, which is a good source for all things gender binary,

When a man sees a woman for the first time, it isn't always just about checking out her physical attributes and imagining what she might be like in bed.

It's MUCH more than that. He is also checking to see if she looks friendly, approachable, and potentially receptive to his attention. He's also assessing whether or not he should approach that woman and start a conversation.

HAH! Oh geez. The article elaborates on how to look approachable,

Portraying yourself in an inviting way is actually surprisingly easy. Check your posture - are your arms folded or ankles crossed? (Yes, this DOES actually make a difference!)

Are you looking around the room? This is a really obvious sign that you're open to being approached.

Are you making eye contact with anyone? Don't be afraid to catch his eye.

And - MOST IMPORTANTLY! - are you SMILING? A friendly smile is a great way to invite attention and offer him some positive encouragement.

So let's see, yesterday morning... folded arms, check. Ankles crossed, check. Staring very intently out window and NOT looking around, check. No eye contact, check. Very serious, stern, non-smiling expression, check.

Damnit to hell.

Anyway, eventually I got to Gina's apartment where all of the lights were off and the blinds were closed. Darkness. Silence. Eventually, a voice from the bedroom shattered the silence with, "Don't disturb my cave conditions."

Uh.

I quietly turned her computer on and spent hours in the cave finishing my resumes and sending them to some prospective employers - all the while careful not to disturb the slumbering bear. Until, all of the sudden, blinds opened, lights blazed on, and Gina bounced up, immediately full of energy. She asked, "Are you going to Che Nay Nay's house later?", yelled, "Holla!" a gazillion times, said "Roaaaar! Roaaar", and bounced around screaming, "Oh yeah yeah yeah!", and then, "Awwww, I have a pet Melvin!", and, "Melvin, wanna go on a walk? Wanna go get lunch? Melvin hungwy?"

What just happened?

Given those job hunting conditions, I borrowed an old, clunky laptop from my pops and have now relocated to coffee shops.

On another note, I'm going to a different trans support group for the first time tonight. One that's more private and has a couple of facilitators and ages ranging from early 20s to 70s. I'll listen and might whimper about being unemployed some more. Just a little.

p.s. I still need to blog about that super dumb shit Friday night. Trust me. It's dumb.
p.s.s. I had Gina check this blog post to make sure she was okay with what I posted. She read and then replied, "It is fine. I wont mind if you add that I am extremely gorgeous and a near genius." Done.