Adrian - transfeminine trans guy

I've been out of commission for about a week now due to a spinal disc herniation. It stems from an accident that I was in when I was 17-years-old. As I was crossing at a crosswalk with a friend, I was hit by a car going ~40 mph. Since then I've experienced chronic back pain. And my back will literally go out, to the extent that I'm unable to walk for about a week, about once or twice a year. Eventually as I regain mobility, I am able to hobble about with a cane.

Today I'm back in action: sitting upright, walking around, scooting, and bicycling!

While down for the count, I got a lot of reading accomplished. One thing I stumbled across was an article in Bizarre Magazine about a trans guy named Adrian.

When explaining my own transition and how I see it as separate from masculinity/femininity or gender altogether, the response is usually a confused one. It's generally understood, it seems, that there are female-to-male and male-to-female transsexuals. As in, one goes from "female" to "male" or one goes from "male" to "female". The language available (FTM and MTF, for example) are limited to that gender notion, even. And yet I sometimes use that terminology just for the sake of getting a message across, even if it's incredibly inaccurate and reinforces a false gender dichotomy (and transsexual experience within it).

I elaborate that, for me, there's a brain-based mismatch. Similarly, my brain is wholeheartedly convinced that I'm an animal who should have two arms, two legs, one head, and stand upright. This is a match. But it's also fine-tuned to my anatomy, which isn't matched. In that particular department, my anatomy is in violation. And it's impossible to ignore and devastating. To clarify, my gender and gender expression are separate from the mismatch. If the mismatch didn't exist in my brain-map, I'd be entirely fine with being a masculine "woman" or going by feminine pronouns. I'd still identify as genderqueer, but primarily for social reasons and to identify outside of a fake gender binary.

Take RuPaul, for example. I'm presuming that he's comfortable with his anatomy; yet he's feminine and loves being colorful and glittery and flamboyant.

And there are numerous women who are comfortable with their anatomy and who love being a lot less colorful, glitter-less, and masculine.

I think of most people are shades of masculine and feminine, exhibited to different extents at different times in different scenarios. People who are men (from RuPaul to Bruce Willis), women, intersex, transsexual...

What a world, what a world.

People are constantly summing up how well I "pass" mostly by how masculine I act or appear. The binary idea of what "man" is and the assumption that I even have the desire to be masculine. It even seems like my level of masculinity legitimizes me as a trans person, for some.

For me, the only reason to "pass" would be for safety. But it's an invalidating term to me - one that implies I'm not legitimate, and "passing" as something that I'm not. Yes, it's interesting to experience new gendered social interactions and to navigate in the world through an increasingly different lens as a visibly gender-conforming person - but all I really, honestly care about is getting progressively closer to fusing my brain-map with my anatomy. To no longer experience such extreme, debilitating dysphoria. And this is irrelevant to how that's perceived by others or how my gender identity is translated.

Which brings me to Adrian. This trans guy who's flamboyant and extremely feminine. He's in Bizarre Magazine because he's entirely confusing to a lot of people, I'm sure. How could someone who was assigned female at birth, who's feminine and "heterosexual", end up transitioning? To me, it makes complete sense. Gender identity/expression are not synonymous with the brain-map/anatomy mismatch. And despite the fact that he doesn't fit into the masculine mold, he's honest enough with himself to transition for his own reasons and to be his happy, gorgeous, awesome self - however that manifests.