Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

My parents are gym-going rock stars this week. They both joined me at 8am three mornings in a row. Last Tuesday morning, the manager was there. The manager who, for months now, I've been trying to get up the nerve to speak with. Just enough to express to him that with the changes I'll be experiencing from hormone therapy it's going to become increasingly difficult to use the women's locker room. Yet, I'm not prepared to walk into the men's locker room. I primarily want to relay to him that he has gender non-conforming customers who have a very difficult time navigating the gym, and if there's possibly an extra bathroom somewhere. Or a unisex stall, at least. I'm trying to get up the nerve. In the meantime, I have been walking in to the men's locker room with my dad in the morning. But I've only traveled far enough to get to the sinks and the bathroom stalls. The first time we entered together, I was terrified. My heart was literally racing and ...

Well, it hasn't been 1 year yet - technically. It will be 1 year on December 11th. Close enough! Onwards. 1 Year on Testosterone Cypionate, 100mg every 2 weeks (Click on images for larger so-detailed-it-hurts versions)

Last Saturday  Athens Boys Choir - a trans spoken word artist named Harvey Katz - performed in Salt Lake City at an independent cafe located in a low-income area of the city. I grew up in that area and hadn't been there for quite some after I moved out. I was very pleasantly surprised by how vegan-friendly and cozy this Mestizo Cafe is. I'm a fan. It also helped that the place was packed with gender variance and transtastic'ness galore. Harvey Katz was excellent. He did his spoken word thang, then his singing song let's dance thang. During the spoken word portion I was caught off guard slightly by the audience finger snapping during certain parts or bursting out with "Mmmms!". It was distracting, but apparently a thing that happens at spoken word events. I know, because I did a quick Google search on it after the event. And I found that I'm not alone. After one person asked on a forum why people snap during poetry sessions, members responded: ...

On Wednesday Original Plumbing announced that their first issue was available for pre-order. I ordered my copy last night. There's something about this magazine that makes me all warm inside. Living most of my life feeling disconnected from my anatomy and horribly awkward in my own skin really took a toll on my self-esteem. It was hard to not feel "freakish" or unattractive throughout the years, unable to look at myself in the mirror or have a partner see me unclothed. In addition to the dysphoria, there's an entire culture surrounding notions of beauty for men and women. The small amount of exposure I had to trans people growing up was pretty negative (Silence of the Lambs comes to mind). There were no narratives of trans aside from being sources of obscure entertainment or victims of hate crimes. None that I was aware of, anyway. To come to terms with being a trans person right now is wonderful. Thanks to a brave trans history, there is a growing plethora o...

May 10th marked 151 Days since I began my transition with Testosterone Cypionate. I'm on the same dosage that I began with - 100mg every 2 weeks . It's been way too frickin' long since I've had the opportunity to take unflattering brightly lit photos of myself. Since I moved, I have one little dim bulb in my bathroom (this will be remedied at some point in the near future), so I wasn't quite sure where to take photos that wouldn't necessitate a big blast of obnoxious flash action. So I borrowed Gina's bathroom, which worked well enough! 'ish. It's something. Moving right along... 151 Days on Testosterone Cypionate, 100mg every 2 weeks:

With my thigh splurting out blood after injecting last Thursday and blog whining about it, my friend, Erin, did some research. According to Erin's quick wit and research prowess, it's likely that there's no longer enough fat tissue in my thigh and the needle is going in too deep. Sounds plausible enough to me. Doesn't provoke vigorous skeptic flag waving. Which then means that it seems as though the time has come where I may have to start injecting into my bum. Ugh. Inject into my bum? After I finally got used to thigh injecting? Bah! I found a forum where an individual posted the following question, " I typically inject in my thigh, but how would you go about self-injecting in your rear? It would seem to be a bit awkward. " My thoughts exactly. One response was incredibly insightful: " Man you should have named this Thread .. HOW TO TAKE IT IN THE BUTT .. OK maybe you shouldn't have, just thought that was funny. I will go take a shower ...

Alright, now it's hitting me a bit. There's a little nugget of dread throbbing in my stomach, ready to pOp and let out a whole can of panicky worms - but I won't let it, dag nabbit. No way, no how. The little nugget manifested around the time I finally slowed down and got home, where I was greeted by my excited little furry feline friends, Theseus and Evilbunny (I named him when I was 12. Don't judge.) and my little rat friend, Ben. I immediately felt this twinge of failure stir in my gut and creep up my throat. I'm a horrible guardian , I thought. I have a responsibility towards my companion animals who are 100% dependent on me and they entirely deserve the security I've promised them . They were entirely oblivious to my guilt and just super uber happy to see me, purring and ready for treats and cuddles. I'd spent the day with my mom. She made me lunch and beamed all happy mom-style and we went to the gym together. It was nice. My brother took me to din...

I figured it was about time to do another pained and unflattering photo documentation. This cursed camera my parents gave me for Christmas. So yesterday, March 10th, marked 90 Days on Testosterone Cypionate . I also did a voice check, which I'll upload and post tomorrow. 90 Days on Testosterone Cypionate, 100mg every 2 weeks ( Click on images for larger, even less flattering versions - I'd prefer if you didn't, but the option does exist. ) Stomach (hair growth + fat redistribution): Getting some hardcore belly action where my body fat is most definitely redistributing. Ho ho ho. In addition, it's getting a tad bit hairier, which is demonstrated more clearly in the belly action shot below. Ooooh yeah, there we go. Look at therm li'l hairs! Still not enough to satisfy my cute Russian female friend, but getting there. One day. Eventually. Putt putt putt. Leg (hair growth + muscle development) A bit hairier. No difference in muscle tone that I'...

I saw Watchmen last Friday with a valiant nerd posse and I was entirely blown away. I'd read the comic book some time ago and recalled that it was an incredibly raw and realistic alternate United States where deconstructed super heroes emerged around the 1940s. As Hilary Goldstein put it in 2005: "No comic book has been the subject of more essays and serious literary discussion than Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' Watchmen. It has been named one of the 100 greatest novels of the past century by Time Magazine. Released 20 years ago, the 12-issue maxi-series was a groundbreaking achievement for comics. Written "for adults," Watchmen opened the doors for thought-provoking and intelligent comics in the mainstream. Two decades after its arrival, there is still no greater comic book." Being a fan of the comic with the political undertones, heroes, anti-heroes, a giant blue pecker, street-fighting lesbians and pirates... I was anxious about how Hollywood would...

My massage last Friday was so.very.blissful . It went on for two whole hours . Afterward I was dehydrated to all hell and felt like I was on a muscle relaxed little floaty cloud. My gives-the-best-massages friend gave me a glass of water, then I floated off yonder to a local queer club where "femme women dress up as butch and compete". Femme? What? Where? I'm in. Anyhoo, the most recent post over at The Vegan Lunch Box was a little hope-inducing in regards to my puberty-ridden acne and backne development. The author's little son, Schmoo, has finally hit his preteens, which led her to blog the following: I've dealt with acne my entire adult life (they all told me I'd grow out of it, the liars). And although acne has been linked to milk and dairy products in several studies , going vegan did not clear up my skin at all. Of course, although it didn't contain dairy, my early vegan diet did include daily servings of things like soda, chips, candy, and ...

Yesterday my friend, Gina, came over to help me bury my little friend. We made him a grave by a cute tree that will be nourished with little bits of Socrates for years to come (it sounds creepy, but it's true). I placed his little body in there with my left hand, buried him, then went inside to comfort Ben. Ben hadn't left his little house all day. He was acting frazzled and afraid, but when I held him and cupped him in my left hand, his little nose sniffed it and he instantly calmed down. Then he licked my hand for about 10 minutes, which he'd never done before. Here's the last image of my little baby Socrates, suckling on his water bottle: Sigh . So today I'm back at work, although I feel like I've accomplished a double-flake-whammy. Over a month ago I promised to speak on an LGBQT panel today up at the University of Utah, the theme being " In the spirit of reducing hate and its companion - fear, we offer the stories of these panelists. By knowi...

I'm no longer feeling like the grime mopped off a slaughterhouse floor to make hot dogs. I'm not entirely the most energetic yet, but I'm definitely feeling my mind clicking back into action and my body feels like peddling around furiously, even in today's snow storm. This is a good thing. I canceled today's appointment with my hormone doctor after it dawned on me that my prescription allows for more refills. I'm not really hip to the prescribed medicine jive yet, see. Getting the hang of it. Still, I wanted an appointment for the prescription, but also to talk about my concerns surrounding a predicted buildup of endometrial tissue (which is usually shed during menstruation - I believe this most recent one was my last, or very near to last), especially during the first few years. I want to ask her about taking progesterone every so often to shed the excess endometrial tissue as a preventative measure. It's a bit tricky, trying to achieve a compromise ...

Yesterday was injection day and also the 57th day of my transition. There were a couple of differences this time. First, I didn't feel nervous in the slightest . I was completely alone and completely at ease. This could have been due to the fact that I'm now sick and entirely out of it, but I'll just assume that it's due to my newfound self-injecting confidence. Something else happened during my injection. Once I'd slid the needle all of the way in, I slowly pressed down (which takes some considerable effort due to the thickness of the testosterone). Once I got all of it in, the needle tip detached from the syringe, but remained in my thigh. Surprisingly, this didn't cause me to feel nervous at all, although I was a bit startled. I calmly removed the needle tip from my thigh, then checked to make sure I'd gotten all of that T goop in. I did, except for maybe a drip or two. I need to get another prescription, so I made another appointment with my hormon...

Earlier today I attended a very rainy rally in support of the Common Ground Initiative (which are a series of 6 bills - more info here !) that stem from statements the LDS Church made during and after California’s Proposition 8 campaign like " we’re not anti-gay " and " the Church does not object to rights for same-sex couples. " Oh, and also, Elder L. Whitney Clayton even explicitly stated the LDS Church does not oppose " civil unions or domestic partnerships. " Meaning, marriage is not the issue in this case, basic civil rights are; like housing & workplace protection (in Utah it's legal to fire someone if they're even perceived as being LGBT), death benefits, expanded health care for partners, etc., which everyone - including members of the LDS Church - can entirely agree with. In fact, something really inspirational is that three statewide polls have been released in the past week, including one by the SL Tribune and Equality Utah showi...

I was successful at doing my own injection last night ! That whole hand shaking fiasco didn't kick in, fortunately, and I was able to perforate myself and slowly slide that evil, long needle in; felt it go through various layers of thigh meat. I have evolved from my diapers of shaking and whimpering to my underroo's of self-injection. It probably isn't as big of a feat as I'm making it out to be, but stabbing one's self is a bit against the grain of my intuitive human nature! I can't help but to feel proud. And mighty. My friend came over to be on standby in the event that hand shaking nonsense kicked up again. She had the most supportive, calming attitude. " Mel, you're not shaking one bit, you're doing just fine. Just stick it in, it's no biggie... ", and then, once it was in, " Ooo, good job! Now remember to slide it back, see if there's any blood... " She was great. The process turned out to be tremendously easy and s...

Now that I have this spiffy camera I have the ability to take a series of incredibly unflattering pictures of my transition. Despite the reality that this won't, in the slightest, ever aid in my getting a date, it will at least be interesting to actually have these changes documented, in the most brutally honest lighting possible. I'll post photos every 2 weeks, after every injection. Keep in mind, I'm not a photo snapping sort of person, so this is extremely unnatural for me. These are also some of the most scandalous photos of me in existence. Note: Since these are all only 2 weeks into taking T, there aren't any significant changes I've noticed aside from body odor, sweating more, feeling like I'm starving to death all of the time, increased sex drive, acne development, having much greasier hair, and a few facial whiskers trying to pop up here and there. 2 Weeks on Testosterone Cypionate, 100mg every 2 weeks Stomach (hair growth + fat redistribution)...