Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

I’m dating someone. Woot! It’s been, oh… approximately 3 years since I’ve done so? Which means this is kinda epic. Or, rather, super epic. Back in the day I had essentially resolved to stop dating for a number of reasons. First, over time intimacy had become a huge dysphoria trigger. It got to the point where I just absolutely couldn’t ignore the disconnect between my mind and body. Without dating I had a series of coping tactics I’d developed throughout my wily adolescence - such as never looking down when I was naked (or in the mirror) and ignoring the existence of my female-bodied areas as much as possible. But when I finally stumbled into the land of intimacy at 17 years of age… even though I didn’t quite know why, I preferred that my partner didn’t touch me. It made me sad. And this preference lasted until my third relationship. When I was touched, I tried to pretend that my body was what my brain map expected - for lack of a better term, male-typical. Alas, that only work...

Had the most difficult time getting my prescription refill (testosterone cypionate) this time around. Generally I just wander in to the pharmacy and request my refill, give them money, take bag of needles and prescription, and head off into the world. But when I attempted to refill this time around ON injection day I was told, “Oh, you’re out of refills. Oh, and your doctor won’t authorize a refill until you make an appointment with her.” Oh, alright. Fair enough. Except that I'm due for a shot - today. And came in today because I couldn't afford it prior, as I was just paid. When I tried to schedule an appointment with her I was told, “You owe us money. It’s in collections. Here’s their number.” What? From when? Where? Whyyyyy is this the first time I’ve heard of it and it’s in collections !? Turns out, even though my doctor’s office had my current address and name - they had never communicated that to billing. So here I was, bumbling along assuming that all of my info i...

As a warning, these photos are extremely graphic , but also incredibly informative and educational.

Earlier today I learned that Dr. Cori Agarwal’s medical secretary would come in to take photographs during my 3 hour surgery on August 11, 2011. As a warning, these photos are extremely graphic , but also incredibly informative and educational. This is why I’m displaying them after the “read more” button below instead of as a photo gallery. Extremely Graphic:

My apologies in advance for the pretty much inevitable fact that 99.2% of my blogging from now on up until August 11th is going to be related to my upcoming top surgery. You have been forewarned. I’ve been waiting for this for so.long. For some time there, it felt unattainable. Every time I’d get close, something would come along to thwart my progress. But this time around and with all of the support I’ve received from my friends and loved ones to make this happen? No thwarting! It’s happening ! Fo’ real real and not fo’ in my head play play! So, throughout this whole enthused about surgery shindig, I haven’t ever really disclosed the details of the specific procedure I’m bound for - the “ double incision mastectomy ”. With this method, incisions are made horizontally across each breast below the nipple: The skin is then peeled back so that the mammary glands and fatty tissue can be removed with a scalpel. scrape scrape scrape . Once the breast tissue has been scooped out, the...

Had my consultation today and it went very well! It was up at the University of Utah Madsen Surgery Center with Doctor Cori Agarwal . I made the appointment with a super sweet over-the-phone coordinator named Haley, who informed me that it would be in the Womens Health Center and made sure to add the disclaimer, " But don't let that scare you. We're welcoming of all gender variations! ", which I thought was adorable. So this morning my mom and I got up all excited for my big consultation day. And my mom, as always in her mega supportive way, accompanied me. We found the Madsen Surgery Center up in the cobweb of a mess loopty loop road situation up at the U of U in time for my morning appointment which was, in fact, at the Womens Health Center and was, in fact, full of women. As we waited to sign in, a nurse behind the counter, addressing my mother, said, " We'll be just a moment! " Once that moment had passed and sign-in time had arrived, again add...

After seeing my blog post about Antony and the Johnsons with their beautiful Hope There's Someone video, my friend Andrew exposed me to heaps upon piles atop a mountain of additional Antony and the Johnsons stuff - which keyed me in to another song of theirs called ' For Today I Am A Boy ', which is just as good. So last night I, as per diligent old man student usual, went to bed at 10pm for my classes this morning. But, then I woke up around 3am from a discomfort I'd felt before and confused me the first time around, on December 21st . But now, Round 2, I knew exactly what it was - menstrual cramps. These new post-hormone therapy cramps are similar to what I'd experienced before; but different enough that I couldn't quite peg it initially. Unlike before, these are not distinctly painful, just, really uncomfortable . I have to pee repeatedly. I can't sleep. It's obnoxious. At the least, this is becoming predictable. It hasn't happened since De...

Earlier today I made a very exciting phone call. Wait for it... wait for it... ... for a consultation with the top surgeon here in Utah. Wooooo! I learned about her through word-of-mouth at the Trans Action conference in November from other guys showing off their chests and rambling on about how great she is. I've been giddy and prepping for it ever since. During the consultation I want to a.) get a quote on how much my surgery will cost and b.) figure out payment options. I have around $2,000 so far (90% of this from donations - thank you everyone! ) to use as a down payment, if possible. If not, I will at least have a (presumably) much smaller amount to continue saving up towards than the initial fly-to-Florida for a $5500 surgery + figuring out a place to stay & food for a week, plane ticket costs, covering the costs for a friend to come play care-taker, etc., plan. Having a surgeon located so close makes the whole thing much more attainable. If I'm lucky ...

I had a pap smear on October 22nd, which I refer to as a "paptastic appointment of sedative-laden doom". The  first one I had was in January of 2009. I procrastinated the inevitable as long as I could muster, but the worry of not knowing what's up with my innards caught up with me and overrode the aversion. So I cracked, and decided 'fine, I'm uninsured, but I need to get my hormone levels checked and I need a pap smear. So just, go in, do it, and figure out the cost part of it later. My hormone levels are higher than they should be, so my doctor reduced my bi-weekly dose from 0.7 mL to 0.5 mL. Then in pap-ville, my doctor slotted our appointment as her first of the day. Learning from the last time I had this done, she injected me with a massive amount of pregnant lady sedative first thing (I scribbled the name of it down after my appointment, but have no idea where these scribbles are).

I woke up this morning trying hard not to feel anxiety about today's pap smear appointment. The last appointment was "successful" after being heavily sedated. And the two times I had attempted with doctors prior to that were fails. With the first attempt, after just a few minutes the doctor stopped and told me, "You know, we don't have to do this.", and, not anticipating it would be -that- awful, I agreed and we stopped. With the second attempt, I told the doctor about how horrible the first attempt was. She told me that since I'd never had intercourse, paps weren't necessary for me. Whether this was true or not, I liked the answer and rationalized that she was correct and ran with it. For years and years I accepted this logic and had resolved to never get a pap, ever - until I went in to meet my current doctor for the first time . Clearly, she's had a lot of experience with trans men avoiding the necessary health inevitable. Right off the bat...

On the 23rd, a Thursday, my dad and I bicycled together downtown, stopping for coffee as we do pretty much every morning. It's this fun, addictive routine that, to my surprise, has actually morphed me into a morning person. I'll get all giddy the night before about prepping my bicycle outfit and waking up to peddle.peddle.peddle , then relax and hang out for a bit before my 8am class or 10am class. It's messed up. I know it. After our peddling and coffee, I went in to the Social Security office right by 9am. Unlike the last time I meandered in , this time it was completely packed with people - so I whimpered internally and grabbed a number. Fortunate for me, the employee who had helped me the first time around was there at her window, so I chose a seat she'd hopefully spot me in. And when she finished up with the current individuals at her window, she waved me over. I thanked her profusely for making the whole process as painless as possible. She got my name updated...

I hit a vein yesterday during my bi-weekly injection for the first time since starting hormone therapy in '08. Everything was going to honky dory until I removed the needle - and immediately a faucet of blood turned on and welled up from the injection site. Surprised, I immediately dabbed it with an alcohol wipe, which was instantly soaked. The blood flowed down my thigh and dripped on to the floor. Once I had all of the blood soaked up, I noticed what appeared to be a partially swollen vein. Not knowing what else to do, I covered it with a bandage. Ahhhh ha, so this is what it's like to hit a vein , I thought. I would have been more anxious about this situation, but I remember bringing this concern up with my doctor before injecting for the first time. She reassured me that I don't need to fret if it happens; that I wouldn't die and nothing horrible should happen. My leg didn't hurt and I took the bandage off last night to discover that the vein was no longer...

Today, December 11th, is my one year Tranniversary ! I'll have a little celebratory dinner with my cute friends and family. And my friend, Andrew, is on his way over and offered to purchase me a drink. So, one gift thus far. Cha-ching! Perk! My doctor called me about an hour ago and, after reviewing the results from my blood work, has upped my dose from 0.5 mL to 0.7 mL . (so just two marks past the 1/2 mark, which I've been injecting for one year now). She said that my body has been metabolizing the testosterone pretty quickly, hence upping the dose. Since I injected 0.5 mL yesterday and received the call today, I figure it's close enough to my injection time to safely inject the remaining 0.2 mL today and then to start on the 0.7 mL regiment on my next injection day. I'm happy that my dosage changed. The 0.5 mL was a shot in the dark from my very first meeting with her a year ago - kind of like a blanket beginner dose for all patients starting hormone therapy...

Real quick: December 11th will be my one year tranniversary ! I had a doctor appointment earlier this week. I was worried because this was my first appointment while not having health insurance. I called beforehand and was assured that she had a flat rate for non-insured patients that I could pay at the appointment. So I saved up, arrived, she sent me off to get my blood work done. I haven't heard about the results yet, but will hopefully know by tomorrow. When I go in for a prescription refill the pharmacist is supposed to give my doctor a call and will adjust my dosage depending on the results. I've been on the exact same dosage all year, so ... I'll see if it changes or not. Foster Puppies Earlier this month a friend of mine who works at the Salt Lake County Animal Shelter called me about an emaciated pitbull dog with five little puppies. Without foster care, all of them (especially the puppies) will not make it in the shelter. Two had already died. She asked i...

I need to refill my prescription, soon. I have one needle and enough testosterone cypionate for one injection remaining. I don't have health insurance, but absolutely need to make an appointment with my doctor to get a prescription and to have my hormone levels checked. There are a lot of health issues that could arise from hormone therapy that really need to be carefully monitored. According to Hudson's FTM Resource Guide : In order to monitor your health while taking testosterone, your doctor will perform a variety of tests in the laboratory-- mostly blood tests. During the first year of testosterone therapy, your doctor should perform blood tests every three or four months . This will be especially helpful in determining an appropriate T dose, as the data found in the blood tests can be used to adjust your dosage amount and/or timing if necessary. If no major problems arise in your blood work during the first year of treatment, blood tests can be taken every six month...

Just a few months ago the idea of sticking a needle into my thigh every 2 weeks wasn't, in the slightest, an enticing one. I went from whimpering and  asking friends and family to do it for me  to becoming the no needle fearin' boy I am today! I just finished today's injection. I look forward to every other Thursday like it's a trans Christmas, when I get to inject again and experience my body and mind connect more and more every.single.day. It's wonderful. When preparing, I wipe the injection point on my thigh with a little alcohol wipe. I remember my first injection on December 11th when I wiped my hairless, soft thigh. Today? It's harder, and a twirl of wet hairs are left behind after wiping the area. Gross, I know. But great. I'm still on the same prescription that I started out on - 100mg of Testosterone Cypionate every 2 weeks, injection via a 25g syringe into any muscle. Right after injecting I looked in the mirror to enthusiastically examine m...

When I called to make an appointment with my doctor last week I was told that I could make one sooner with her "assistant" or could wait x amount of time to make one with her. I opted for the sooner appointment to make super duper sure I'd have my prescription in time for my next injection - Thursday, the 16th. I was a little anxious about the prospect of seeing someone new, but felt comfort in the fact that he's someone my main doctor chose and, so I figgered, must be trans-friendly. Not only was he above and beyond friendly, but he was also packed full of oodles of enthusiasm to learn and help. I think this feller just might be my new main doctor, if possible. I've thought a great deal about a comment that raedances posted in response to my last doctor trip : For as much as she's supposed to be the "open minded" doctor, it sounds like she's actually just created another little narrow minded box labeled "transgendered" and is...

I swear that insects seem to have a conveniently timed vendetta against me. First off, that bizarre infected potential spider bite shindig is still on my leg, getting better, bit by taking.its.sweet.time bit. Then, the other day I was peddling along under a sunshiny blue sky, when THUD! something whacked into my arm and ricocheted into my chest. Immediately my arm started to throb and sting, so I pulled over to inspect - where I discovered what appeared to be something small embedded in there that had started to irritate the skin around it. What the frakking jebus , I thought. Was I just stung by a bee, or what? , which then led to feeling that the poor bee got the short end of the stick. In less than three hours the area had sealed up, turned red, and started to swell and itch. Then after a meeting yesterday people commented that my bloated arm had distracted them and one suggested that I cake the area with mud to suck whatever is in there out, then soak a cotton ball in hydr...

With my thigh splurting out blood after injecting last Thursday and blog whining about it, my friend, Erin, did some research. According to Erin's quick wit and research prowess, it's likely that there's no longer enough fat tissue in my thigh and the needle is going in too deep. Sounds plausible enough to me. Doesn't provoke vigorous skeptic flag waving. Which then means that it seems as though the time has come where I may have to start injecting into my bum. Ugh. Inject into my bum? After I finally got used to thigh injecting? Bah! I found a forum where an individual posted the following question, " I typically inject in my thigh, but how would you go about self-injecting in your rear? It would seem to be a bit awkward. " My thoughts exactly. One response was incredibly insightful: " Man you should have named this Thread .. HOW TO TAKE IT IN THE BUTT .. OK maybe you shouldn't have, just thought that was funny. I will go take a shower ...

My visit to the doctor last Friday wasn't as satisfying as I'd anticipated. Essentially, she's incredibly blunt and honest. She doesn't do the usual " don't worry " vague doctor shindig, but instead opts to tell me how it is. This is a good thing and I appreciate it, but, on the toss side, the news is rarely encouraging or what I'd prefer to hear. For example, I explained to her how I actually want to attempt to preserve a semblance of functioning and health in my reproductive organs throughout this process. She instantly assumed that I wanted to remain fertile (Gah! NO!), so I tried to clarify that I only care about not having them atrophy into my stomach or something - and, more importantly, to be able to function enough that they'll produce hormones and menstruate when I stop testosterone therapy. I suspect she's not used to necessarily caring about the preservation or monitoring of a trans guy's ovaries and uterus since, in most t...