Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

I am now my third week of graduate school. I heard stories galore about how busy and all-encompassing it would be, and I can now report that all of the forewarning was very, very accurate. I spend my days doing research, reading, writing, classes, research, writing, reading, classes, and then some more reading. And I love it. I also feel above and beyond fortunate to have this opportunity and to do my very best! Unfortunately, this leaves me very little time to update my blog. So for now, I will not be able to blog. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to follow my journey throughout the years. This has been a wonderful experience and I'm going to miss it, but I must focus-focus-focus! Off I go into graduate school land! Bye for now! 

Be forewarned: I am about to launch into a whiny spiel about how stressful it has been meeting with trans-unaware OB-GYNs while I'm insured in hopes that they won't a) refer to me as a "post-menopausal woman" and b) will, at the very least, listen to me about my preventative interest in an oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) and a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus). But before said spiel, a brief update is in order. As a reminder since it's been a minute, I am presently living in Maryland to complete my federal service "payback" as an NIH (National Institutes of Health) Undergraduate Scholarship post-baccalaureate (i.e. 4-year college graduate) research fellow. Throughout the duration of my payback I have been nervous about blogging after I signed a gazillion + 1 forms about not representing myself as the NIH or a federal employee. So, quick disclaimer before I proceed: I am not blogging on behalf of the NIH or as a federal employee. Alright, now w...

I can't wait to graduate and get back to blogging. My writing juice well gets sucked dry every semester. But, I just learned that I graduate on June 1st and as per the awesome scholarship I received from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), I fly out to Maryland for June 2nd. Then I officially begin my internship with them on June 3rd. A little bit ago I got to head out there for a couple of days to meet prospective mentors - all of whom were wonderful. A couple of weeks ago I learned what lab I'll be working in and I am beyond excited. That's an update in a ridiculously compressed nutshell, but now I need to run off to study for an exam. It's for a course titled "Behavioral Endocrinology", which is just intimidating scaryfancy speak for "How Hormones Influence Behavior". Which is right up my alley. In fact, we're required to watch a film called Sex Unknown prior to the exam, which I'm astounded that I'd never heard of or watched...

A few days ago I was asked by a sociology professor to be a panelist in her Gender and Sexuality class. Given that I'm committed to rambling on about my experiences to any poor sap who will listen, including a captive audience of hapless college students, I enthusiastically agreed. Most of this enthusiasm stems from knowing first-hand how unsettling transgender and gender-nonconformity can be for many - and how vital knowledge and interaction are for dismantling prejudice and discrimination. Openness is particularly vital given how corrosive assumptions about “normalcy" manifests in incredibly dangerous ways for anyone who strays from the fabricated norm. It's particularly exciting to have so many cisgender allies who are so supportive, and help to educate away the ignorance through whatever means are available to them. Speaking of, I stumbled across an interesting article just the other day regarding the controversy around the gender of Caster Semenya, the 18-yea...

Last night the rest of the student government executive cabinet and I had dinner at the college president's home with him and his wife. Well, president mansion , rather. And on the carpool ride there, I was told, "Dexter! Remove your tie! The president requested that we keep this informal!" I kept the tie. It matched my outfit. But, I removed it later. It got hot. Anyway, while we were being given a tour of their home, the president made the comment, "Why is there only one woman in the e-cab?" I've been in the executive cabinet of the student government for three years now, and every year has been pretty "gender balanced" until now. I wanted to blurt out that having two homosexual cisgender guys, one cisgender female, and one transgender person out of 6 individuals in the e-cab isn't too bad. But, I held back, and we resumed our tour. The rest of the evening was interesting in the gendered domain. While sitting at the table of ...

After months of whimpering about how unsuitable Tumblr is for blogging, I finally woke up with a snap! yesterday morning and promptly remedied the situation. I've returned to blogger. Hello again, it's very refreshing to be back. Sadly, I lost a lot of really great comments in the move. In other news, I somehow managed to weasel myself into a really nice college senior situation. I have two classes where, instead of being confined to a room and a lecture, my feral self has been released into the world to complete two missions: Mission #1: read numerous trans-related research articles, then write a paper about said articles. Mission #2: write about my research on belief in a just world, anti-transgender prejudice, and the blaming of innocent victims that I just might be able to get published. Or, at least, I'm going to try. Aside from these two lecture- less situations, I have two lecture- packed class situations: Personality Theories and Social Psychology . I...

Whoa. Guess who just received an e-mail saying: Congratulations! The Scientific Review Committee of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) Undergraduate Scholarship Program (UGSP) has identified you as a UGSP Scholar for the school year starting September 2013. As a UGSP Scholar you will receive a scholarship for qualified educational and living expenses up to $20,000 for this academic year, and you will be a paid research trainee at the NIH for the UGSP Summer 2013 Program. The UGSP is a highly competitive program … a nd you are one of 11 nationwide to become a UGSP Scholar. Your selection as a UGSP Scholar and the Committee’s willingness to support your scientific development speak highly of your accomplishments. THIS GUY. I am so excited about this . And astonished. Getting closer and closer to my goal to become a researcher in Social Psychology is so riveting. It wasn’t long ago that I had dropped out of high school and believed that college could never happen fo...

Between preparing for the GRE (standardized test for graduate school admission), doing my summer research project, taking classes, getting my graduate school application materials ready, and so on and so forth 24-consta-7, my poor blog has endured a great deal of neglect. Just fyi, this isn’t a state of perma-neglect. My blog is still alive and thriving and wondrous - just, fasting. On occasion. To detox! My summer research, by the way, was super rad. I’m just gonna say it. It was. I got IRB approval and recruited almost 400 people from all over the United States and have just begun to go over the results. And, low and behold, although preliminary, I’m discovering some really, reallly interesting stuff. And I have the awesome opportunity to continue this project into my senior year. My summer vacation thus far consists of waking up every morning at 7:30am on.the.dot. I go to coffee with my pOps, where we go over GRE math stuff. It’s been almost 13 years since I’ve had to dabble in ...

The fact that finals are looming has turned me into a space cadet. Literally. Yesterday morning I go to coffee with my pops per usual. Since I have a class that starts at 10am and knew we had a discussion planned, I made sure to get caught up on the class reading. Like the creeper that I am, I got to class 15 minutes early, set up shop, got cozy, and started to work on a paper for another class. It struck me as odd that by 9:55am I was the only student in the room. By 10am, same story. I gave it until 10:20 and still, no professor. No other students. Had I missed a memo? Had class been canceled? I was positive we had this reading and discussion planned. I checked my voicemail, the online class calendar, e-mail, everything. Maybe I’d spaced off during class when the professor clearly announced that class was canceled? I thought I’d been paying attention… but, confused, I packed up and wandered off. Since this was my only class of the day, I headed home. Made lunch. Then, around 1...

This semester has been crazy busy. So busy that I have a whole slew of gobblity gook I can’t wait to blog about. Oooooh has it accumulated. At long last, my Spring Break has begun. Am I off in a secluded cabin somewhere? Am I at a beach party trying to escape a prehistoric mutant piranha blood bath?! Well, close… but no cigar. I’m getting school stuff done. Ugh. See, here’s the problem. My academically warped sense of reality compels me to see this “break” as an opportunity to get stuff done. For example, tomorrow I’ll be working on submitting my summer research idea for IRB approval - which is a board that exists to make sure research involving human participants is ethical or not. What fun. My riveting research topic, by the way, involves anti-transgender prejudice and victim blaming. A little while back I came across something called the “just-world hypothesis”, which was developed by a feller named Lerner back in the 1960’s. A bit after Milgram had dabbled in his studies ...

… trying to figure out how I can pay for the required texts. Even with the privilege of not worrying about food or shelter, living with my parents, it is still a daunting challenge. Most semesters I’ve been able to find ways to work it out and some semesters I couldn’t. The semesters where I literally couldn’t afford my books made it very difficult to keep up and do well in class. I use a variety of strategies to figure out this book shindig, including checking out older editions from a the library, renting, finding used books or even online versions of old, outdated editions. This semester I’ve dug and clawed and whimpered and journeyed far to find any way I could possibly get out of spending at least $600. And alas - this time, it isn't happening. Situations like this really make it difficult to ignore how I feel about the way academia operates in the United States. Students work harder and take on more debt to get degrees whose value is open to question. Meanwhile, colleges...

Prior to starting hormone therapy a few years ago, I had literally resolved to stop dating. Zilch, done, ~fin~ . It was just, too painful and triggering. Every attempt was an incredibly potent reminder of how I was trapped in a body that felt disconnected and uncomfortable. It wasn’t worth crying every single time and spiralling into weeks of hopelessness. Without intimacy, I could wear a binder and never look at myself in the nude. Easy peasy. Solution foreva! But, the idea of hormone therapy scared me. Socially, I was adverse to the idea of losing my visible queerness. Health-wise, I was terrified to head down a path that insurance companies and numerous doctors explicitly exclude and discriminate against. There's limited research that hormone therapy in persons assigned female at birth may increase cancer risk, cause liver damage, increase cholesterol, acne, etc. This aversion was further compounded by all of the seemingly insurmountable logistics, such as finding a trans-...

My apologies in advance for what will probably be my most boring blog post yet - but, ya know, it happens. It’s only bound to get worse. Anyway, whenever we do in-class surveys in my Statistics class I’m always the “outlier” (illustrated in picture over this way —>). Every time for whatever reason I’m surprised; probably because I live in an oblivious bubble on planet trans zot. More on that later. We received the following three survey questions: What is your college GPA? What was your high school GPA? What is your gender? The moral? To compare the differences. In the land of highschool, I received all D's and F's and ultimately dropped out, so I answered “1.0”. But in college, I'm doing well. ( sidenote: I actually just learned that I’m in the upper 10% a few weeks ago when I was initiated into a national honors society called Alpha Chi . My impressions of college “initiations” prior included something like spanking or drunken branding - but I only had...

But I don't really.

This semester. Seriously. And Statistics. And finals. And my bloody stress eyeball and my consta-compromised immune system. And whining. Which I do a lot of lately. Alas, this semester is almost over. So… close… can’t… wait. Then it starts all over again. But, for a minute there, it’ll be nothing but puppy walking and snow-shielded sunshine and freedom. And getting caught up on Werewolf News . And blogging.

Student land and selfish post-surgery running aboot celebration have connived to prevent me from blogging as I should! I will also upload pictures of my epic healing nipples at some point in the near future here. They are currently pink and scabbed, with my right one healing faster than the left. Why? I dunno. But, they’re both pink, alive, and resting upon muscle instead of boob. Today was the first day I’ve bicycled to school since my surgery on August 11th. I technically could have bicycled after I was given the go exercise ! green flag by my surgeon, Cori Agarwal, last Friday (the 9th) - but I’ve been sick. Apparently recovering from surgery, math phobia stress, and going back to a college campus germ cesspool are a perfect combo for such things. So for about two weeks now I’ve been congested, coughing, tired, and slowly getting better. Wah. Even though I could barely breathe peddling along this morning and coughed galore, it was absolutely amazing. It was the most liberating f...

Had my first and second day of classes Wednesday and Thursday! The lessons I’ve learned so far? It’s hard to carry books less than 2 weeks after surgery. Sweating in a compression vest is itchier than in a binder. Nipple grafts freak me out. Today I see my surgeon and find out if my tissue is livin’ or dyin’! Yay! Statistics = intimidating. I also endured a lot of hugs. But fortunately, most everyone who wants to hug me also reads my blog - and know to do so side ways, gently, and semi-awkwardly. I foresee this being a good semester. In other news, not riding a bicycle SLAYS ME. I feel like a chubby little lump on a recliner chair. Which I am, but seriously… I absolutely can not wait to peddle furiously in sweaty booblessness celebration!

After working from home on a recliner chair in jammies for a week, I returned to the office yesterday. Wee! I’d predicted that the worst case scenario would involve my being an idiot and trying to lift heavy things when I shouldn’t - but, that didn’t happen. Instead, the worst case scenario turned out to be what I refer to as a "bro shake". I hadn’t realized how often this happens in my world… or maybe just on a college campus (and elsewhere?), but there’s a LOT of grab-hand-hard-and-shake-arm-or-fist-bump-or-variations-of-this going on. To which I responded to this time with a whimper and, "Careful. I just had surgery.” This happened about five painful times. There was one guy who bounced in to the office while I was in there with a couple of other students. When he went in for the bro shake I diverted with, “Just had surgery. No shaking for me.” This prompted him to ask, “Surgery? What for?” Me: “My chest…” Him: “Chest? Did they operate on your heart or somet...

Compression vest washed. Hair did. Squeaky clean. I smell like a bundle of hacked up rose peddles. Well, I doubt I smell that good - but after 6 days of funk? Sure seems like it. Now time to heal and study in preparation for a super important placement test Monday before classes start on Thursday. 2 week summer ~ FIN ~.

I’m now in Berkeley! It’s so nice here. There is green vegetation stuff galore, humidity, a cool breeze, I can breathe, bicycles all over the place… and, best part, when we went to Trader Joe's earlier there were shoppers wearing backpacks . In Utah? 99 times out of 100 I am the only person in the market with a pack - meaning, I either walked or peddled there. Here? I’m drowning in a sea of pedestrians and cyclists! Not to mention — aside from veg-friendly and veg places GALORE — there’s also an all-vegan cinnamon roll place and soul food place super close. Oh my. Food shouldn’t be so exciting - but, eating new vegan food is pretty much my #1 favorite thing to do when I travel. The flavors are always so new and exciting; and the neighborhoods harboring veg places are always havens for a slew of other awesome local cozy things. Oh, and I have a dorm room all to myself! It’s such a life saver. So, in general I switch between two binders — one for walking long distances or to ea...