Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

I just self-injected! Finally! It's been a little over 9 months that I suddenly, for no reason, couldn't self-inject . It was bizarre, because I'd been self-injecting testosterone cypionate into my thigh for almost three years with no fear and very little problems. And then, bam! - I just, couldn't . Confused and frustrated, I assumed that maybe I was just off my game that week. But then it happened that following week. And the week after. And for over nine months, I've discovered that it's an incredible inconvenience to have to rely on someone else (usually my father) for my injections. I started to develop additional anxieties around what's going to happen when someone isn't around to help, like when I move to Maryland next summer and don't know anyone who could help. I've also been irrationally hard on myself about it. I woke up Friday morning determined to do my it myself. I decided not to do it in the morning, when there's a lo...

Just woke up about 30 minutes ago and decided to make a video of my morning injection. And NOW I’ll make coffee! And give the cats their morning wet food fix, too. Correction, btw! I said 1.6 mL as the amount I inject in the video due to morning brain not working quite right - it’s actually 0.6 mL every 2 weeks.

After seeing my blog post about Antony and the Johnsons with their beautiful Hope There's Someone video, my friend Andrew exposed me to heaps upon piles atop a mountain of additional Antony and the Johnsons stuff - which keyed me in to another song of theirs called ' For Today I Am A Boy ', which is just as good. So last night I, as per diligent old man student usual, went to bed at 10pm for my classes this morning. But, then I woke up around 3am from a discomfort I'd felt before and confused me the first time around, on December 21st . But now, Round 2, I knew exactly what it was - menstrual cramps. These new post-hormone therapy cramps are similar to what I'd experienced before; but different enough that I couldn't quite peg it initially. Unlike before, these are not distinctly painful, just, really uncomfortable . I have to pee repeatedly. I can't sleep. It's obnoxious. At the least, this is becoming predictable. It hasn't happened since De...

Finals, at long brutal last and as all wonderful things do, came to an end on the 14th. Since then I have spent my time in recovery-mode NOT writing and lounging around. So now here I am, ready to write. Something peculiar happened last week. Last Monday, like the diligent student that I am, I went to bed at 10pm-almost-on-the-dot. About an hour later I woke up, all... uncomfortable-like. It took me about a half hour to fall back asleep and, again, I woke up all... uncomfortable-like. I rationalized that, since my last two finals were that following Tuesday morning back-to-back starting at 8am, perhaps I was stressed or nervous, causing me to feel off. Although, I wasn't thinking anything anxiety-inducing, it was the only thing I could come up with. I then forced myself to get back to sleep. So this process repeated, over and over, about five times until I woke up again at 4am, pissed, uncomfortable-like, and defeated. And then it dawned on me. Was I having menstrual cram...

Hormone therapy has really impacted my sleep cycle. My body has been working over-time getting all hairy and packing on bulk. I require more sleep. Prior to starting hormone therapy I averaged about 7-8 hours of sleep per night, no problem. Now? If I get 8 hours of sleep, the next day I'm all grumbly and lethargic. But if I sleep 9-10 hours, I'm great. And the closer it gets to my next injection day, that teeters closer to the 10-hour side of the scale as my hormone supply dwindles off into metabolized bye bye land. And, no matter how tired I am, I can't for the life of me fall asleep until ~midnight. Interestingly, adolescents are notorious for over-sleeping. And not too long ago researchers discovered an internal biological clock, a clock that sometimes acts against the sleep-wake cycle by keeping us alert when we should be feeling tired. A sleep researcher named Mary Carskadon and her colleague Bill Dement had seen this biological clock in action when they teste...

I hit a vein yesterday during my bi-weekly injection for the first time since starting hormone therapy in '08. Everything was going to honky dory until I removed the needle - and immediately a faucet of blood turned on and welled up from the injection site. Surprised, I immediately dabbed it with an alcohol wipe, which was instantly soaked. The blood flowed down my thigh and dripped on to the floor. Once I had all of the blood soaked up, I noticed what appeared to be a partially swollen vein. Not knowing what else to do, I covered it with a bandage. Ahhhh ha, so this is what it's like to hit a vein , I thought. I would have been more anxious about this situation, but I remember bringing this concern up with my doctor before injecting for the first time. She reassured me that I don't need to fret if it happens; that I wouldn't die and nothing horrible should happen. My leg didn't hurt and I took the bandage off last night to discover that the vein was no longer...

Today, December 11th, is my one year Tranniversary ! I'll have a little celebratory dinner with my cute friends and family. And my friend, Andrew, is on his way over and offered to purchase me a drink. So, one gift thus far. Cha-ching! Perk! My doctor called me about an hour ago and, after reviewing the results from my blood work, has upped my dose from 0.5 mL to 0.7 mL . (so just two marks past the 1/2 mark, which I've been injecting for one year now). She said that my body has been metabolizing the testosterone pretty quickly, hence upping the dose. Since I injected 0.5 mL yesterday and received the call today, I figure it's close enough to my injection time to safely inject the remaining 0.2 mL today and then to start on the 0.7 mL regiment on my next injection day. I'm happy that my dosage changed. The 0.5 mL was a shot in the dark from my very first meeting with her a year ago - kind of like a blanket beginner dose for all patients starting hormone therapy...

Well, it hasn't been 1 year yet - technically. It will be 1 year on December 11th. Close enough! Onwards. 1 Year on Testosterone Cypionate, 100mg every 2 weeks (Click on images for larger so-detailed-it-hurts versions)

Last Saturday  Athens Boys Choir - a trans spoken word artist named Harvey Katz - performed in Salt Lake City at an independent cafe located in a low-income area of the city. I grew up in that area and hadn't been there for quite some after I moved out. I was very pleasantly surprised by how vegan-friendly and cozy this Mestizo Cafe is. I'm a fan. It also helped that the place was packed with gender variance and transtastic'ness galore. Harvey Katz was excellent. He did his spoken word thang, then his singing song let's dance thang. During the spoken word portion I was caught off guard slightly by the audience finger snapping during certain parts or bursting out with "Mmmms!". It was distracting, but apparently a thing that happens at spoken word events. I know, because I did a quick Google search on it after the event. And I found that I'm not alone. After one person asked on a forum why people snap during poetry sessions, members responded: ...

I need to refill my prescription, soon. I have one needle and enough testosterone cypionate for one injection remaining. I don't have health insurance, but absolutely need to make an appointment with my doctor to get a prescription and to have my hormone levels checked. There are a lot of health issues that could arise from hormone therapy that really need to be carefully monitored. According to Hudson's FTM Resource Guide : In order to monitor your health while taking testosterone, your doctor will perform a variety of tests in the laboratory-- mostly blood tests. During the first year of testosterone therapy, your doctor should perform blood tests every three or four months . This will be especially helpful in determining an appropriate T dose, as the data found in the blood tests can be used to adjust your dosage amount and/or timing if necessary. If no major problems arise in your blood work during the first year of treatment, blood tests can be taken every six month...

I sweat a lot when I go to the gym these days. A lot. While at the gym earlier today I played a highly addictive Tetris'esque game on my iTouch and peddled away on a stationary cycle. This game, by the way, is so good. It's the irresistable allue of Tetris combined with vampires, pumpkins, and mummies. Which makes it the best game ever for me when it comes to aerobic motivation. Horror? Check. Tetris-like addictive elements? Check. Sold. While exercising earlier today I sweat so profusely that droplets were dripping off the tip of my nose. One landed smack dab on to my iTouch. The sweat pooled in my eye sockets and blurred my much-needed-for-game vision. Prior to hormone therapy and living in an extremely arid environment, I've never sweat like this before. Not after sword fighting or marching band or hiking up Mount Olympus. Not after a long bicycle ride or unicycling. Nothing could make me sweat like I sweat now. In fact, I was so sweat-free that I neve...

These past couple days have been emotionally taxing. Especially because today is injection day and my hormone levels have been extremely low. I may need to ask my doctor about what to do about this. I inject every 2 weeks. I'm fine for about 11 days - but, by days 12 and 13, I'm not doing so good. I'm foggy, lethargic, sensitive, moody. I wish there was a way to administer a small dose on a daily basis, rather than a huge dump on one day that tapers off until I inject again. Transdermal testosterone is applied to the skin daily, but I'm not sure it's a viable option for me. I'll ask my doctor about it. For now, through the online grapevine I've read that changes via transdermal testosterone are slower. Which is fine for me, if it means that I don't end up feeling so awful every 2 weeks. According to Hudson's FTM Guide : Transdermal testosterone is usually applied to the skin daily in small doses in an effort to keep a steady level of testoste...

My mood was hitting some pretty wonky levels for a little bit there. Prior to starting hormone therapy, I'd heard warnings and tales of erratic mood associated with testosterone. The most I'd experienced was an increase in sensitivity a couple of days prior to my injection day . Then early May came rolling around. Next thing I knew, I started having dramatic mood shifts. I'd feel fine, then kaBam! plummet into a sordid world of low-ville. Unprecedented lows filled with self-destructive thoughts that were easily triggered. These mood plummets were hitting hard and frequent throughout May, then surfaced in little increments throughout the first couple weeks of June. Since then my mood has been stable and manageable, but it was concerning for a bit there. I'd had low moods before starting hormone therapy, but not as frequent or - more importantly - as low and extreme. I started to diligently research other hormone treatment methods, like potentially switching to using...

Just a few months ago the idea of sticking a needle into my thigh every 2 weeks wasn't, in the slightest, an enticing one. I went from whimpering and  asking friends and family to do it for me  to becoming the no needle fearin' boy I am today! I just finished today's injection. I look forward to every other Thursday like it's a trans Christmas, when I get to inject again and experience my body and mind connect more and more every.single.day. It's wonderful. When preparing, I wipe the injection point on my thigh with a little alcohol wipe. I remember my first injection on December 11th when I wiped my hairless, soft thigh. Today? It's harder, and a twirl of wet hairs are left behind after wiping the area. Gross, I know. But great. I'm still on the same prescription that I started out on - 100mg of Testosterone Cypionate every 2 weeks, injection via a 25g syringe into any muscle. Right after injecting I looked in the mirror to enthusiastically examine m...

My Internet access has been severely lacking. As in,  no -Internet-access. Zilch. My world has consisted of moving.moving.moving, being sick with something prolonged from moving.moving.moving and occasionally reading old world newspapers I find on the porch. Which, for someone accustomed to getting 98.6% of his news from the Interwebs, feels like dragging around and deciphering a stone tablet. It's not right. Heavy, too. Anyhoo, moving is essentially complete! Got my brother all packed and his pile o' crap hoistered over to storage. Got myself packed. My roomie got all packed. Then we ventured forth, three blocks west, into our new much-more-spacious place. The cats approve. Especially when it comes to the stairwell, the creepy basement, and all of the sunshiny windows. Rat approves, too. My last injection was on Thursday, which was the big moving day. I got it over with first thing in the morning. Left thigh. Went smooth as butta. No bleeding. I've learned qu...

That last post was dramatic. I even went to the extent of pointing out that I was on a faint, nearby wireless connection and that there was a snow storm outside. On the less embarrassing plus side, it wasn't as dramatic as it could've been. I mean, I very well could have written a dreary gothic poem from the depths of my sorrow-filled soul. if pain was gold in wealth i'd lie my heart's so cold "it aches" i cry if life was air in you i'd breathe if life was fair you'd never leave down sorrow's path my soul has crept a lonely half in rains i've wept --anonymous gothic poet Yep. Could've been worse. Not to slam on gothic. I This, for example, is VERY palatable: Swoon . Ahem, moving on. I feel MUCH better today. Giddy. Bubbleheaded. Whimsical, even. Since my injections are 14 days apart, apparently posts of sorrow and gloom should be expected on days 13 and 14. It's like this emotional roller coaster suddenly hits, wher...

Be forewarned, this is a whimpery brief post, sent via a faint nearby wireless connection while a freezing cold snow storm out of nowhere rages on outside (sense the tone of gloom and doom yet?). In a nutshell, today - well, ... sucks . The biggest suck factor stemming from being told that severance would come knocking either Monday, Tuesday of this week or - at the latest - today. Unfortunately, I haven't received it yet, which I've been depending on to be able to afford hormones. My next injection is supposed to be tomorrow. Yet, I'm anxious about if I'm going to be able to or not. I also haven't received any information from COBRA about insurance, so I have no idea how much hormones will cost being uninsured. Sigh . There's more to whine and whimper about in regards to snags with receiving unemployment, a disconnected phone, moving, uneventful job or apartment hunting, and feeling pathetic all around. Which then leads to letting more get to me that I...

With my thigh splurting out blood after injecting last Thursday and blog whining about it, my friend, Erin, did some research. According to Erin's quick wit and research prowess, it's likely that there's no longer enough fat tissue in my thigh and the needle is going in too deep. Sounds plausible enough to me. Doesn't provoke vigorous skeptic flag waving. Which then means that it seems as though the time has come where I may have to start injecting into my bum. Ugh. Inject into my bum? After I finally got used to thigh injecting? Bah! I found a forum where an individual posted the following question, " I typically inject in my thigh, but how would you go about self-injecting in your rear? It would seem to be a bit awkward. " My thoughts exactly. One response was incredibly insightful: " Man you should have named this Thread .. HOW TO TAKE IT IN THE BUTT .. OK maybe you shouldn't have, just thought that was funny. I will go take a shower ...

Good news about insurance! There's a cheaper plan that's around $250 I can opt for, and in a couple of months it will be 30% less than that. Plus I'm receiving a small amount of severance, which will also help. But! Partially bad news about hormones. I thought I had enough left for today's injection and the next one in 2 weeks but, low and behold, today was the last of it. Every little drop now floating around in my muscle tissue. I'll call my doctor in a bit today to make an insurance-less appointment since, well, I'm in a time crunch between needing a new prescription and not receiving info from Cobra just yet. Hopefully by the time I actually have my appointment the Cobra shindig will be resolved. I have also applied for unemployment, but I haven't heard anything on that just yet. Speaking of my injection, today it was a little concerning. I slid the needle into my left thigh then sucked up a bit to make sure that I didn't hit a vein and no...

Injection time went well last night! I've got that shizzit down like a pirate knows how to fire cannons through portholes. I didn't get home until a little after midnight, but that whole ' Is this what jonesing feels like? " sensation I experienced last time wasn't present. Whew! Last time I injected into my left thigh (I'd always been injecting into my right) with the idea that I'm going to alternate between thighs. So last night I injected into my right thigh and, for some reason, it's become a bit painful. I can feel the needle slide through every layer of muscle like it's thicker or hardened when it used to have a seamless, slide-in-like-butta sensation going on. I just need to develop a little bot like this to do injections for me! Then I can just lay back and think about buttery textures and juicy centers while the bot determines the softest point of entry before sticking n' injecting! Genius. Anyway, right after work last night...