Mood Stability and Almost-Honking

My mood was hitting some pretty wonky levels for a little bit there. Prior to starting hormone therapy, I'd heard warnings and tales of erratic mood associated with testosterone. The most I'd experienced was an increase in sensitivity a couple of days prior to my injection day. Then early May came rolling around. Next thing I knew, I started having dramatic mood shifts. I'd feel fine, then kaBam! plummet into a sordid world of low-ville. Unprecedented lows filled with self-destructive thoughts that were easily triggered.

These mood plummets were hitting hard and frequent throughout May, then surfaced in little increments throughout the first couple weeks of June. Since then my mood has been stable and manageable, but it was concerning for a bit there. I'd had low moods before starting hormone therapy, but not as frequent or - more importantly - as low and extreme.

I started to diligently research other hormone treatment methods, like potentially switching to using transdermal testosterone instead (delivery through the skin by the use of a patch, gel, or cream). According to Hudson's FTM Resource Guide:

Transdermal testosterone is usually applied to the skin daily in small doses in an effort to keep a steady level of testosterone in the system at all times. This approach avoids the "peaks and valleys" in T-levels sometimes associated with injectable testosterone. With injectables, T levels can reach a low-point a few days before the next shot is due, which can cause irritability, hot flashes, and low energy in some users. Daily transdermal application can help alleviate such problems. Indeed, some trans men who regularly use injectable testosterone sometimes supplement with a gel or patch during the last few days of their dosing cycle to maintain their T levels.

Tomorrow is my injection day and even though I've been feeling lethargic Tuesday and today, I haven't been feeling moody. Whew.

Almost-Honking

I almost did the most taboo of all do-not-do of things to do! It happened in a brief moment, subconsciously. Fortunate for me, I stopped myself right in the knick of time.

And here goes the tale of deep, almost-happened shame.

While rolling along on my scooter earlier today I spotted someone in the distance riding a bicycle. She was on the other side of the road, bicycling toward me. I instantaneously felt excited about the visual before me: her colorful bicycle, her hair blowing in the wind, her dress, the whole deal.

I'm not quite sure how to explain what almost happened next. Even in hindsight I can't figure out the rhyme or reason. But... my thumb was positioned over my scooter horn and, right as I was about to honk it and smile, I came to my senses and stopped myself.

The subconscious intent was something along the lines of wanting to communicate to her that she was filling the world with visual joy on that bicycle. Or, not even communicating necessarily, but maybe because I felt so excited by the visual going on before me that honking was an outlet. I'm not sure.


The thing is, I regulated the impulse to honk because, fortunately, I know better. There are "those guys" - the notorious - who honk at women. It rarely happened to me prior to hormone therapy, but it constantly happened to my more feminine friends. All of whom convey that it is obnoxious harassment.

I was almost one of "those guys". On a scooter, at least. That might have been somewhat less threatening or redeeming but, probably not. I'm hoping that it was more of a reflex because I bicycle all over the place and - while I meep! meep! at other people on scooters - when I'm on a bicycle I bing bing! at other people on bicycles. Even though I was in scooter land, maybe, just maybe, I was subconsciously via habit in another-person-on-a-bicycle-land. Or maybe I'm used to being non-threatening in appearance (i.e. female) and I'm adjusting to morphing into filtered-through-"male"-stereotype threatening land. Or maybe I was just in douchy guy land. Either way I caught myself - realizing that she'd just hear yet another honk from some annoying dude passing by while she just wants to peddle from here to there.

Way too close for comfort.