Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

I've cracked and asked a friend of mine who just recently graduated from massage college to, well, massage my rapidly-increasing-bone-and-muscle-density ligaments-and-tendons-are-pissed-off back tonight. I keep obsessing over how relieving and blissful it's going to be. Wooo... About half a year ago this same friend called me up and asked if she could give me a "practice massage" while she was still enlisted in school. To me, 'massage' translated to: lay there, essentially nude under a sheet, vulnerable and exposed - and for someone who's uncomfortable with their body, that has never sounded enticing. Still, for the first time I actually felt receptive to such an offer. For one, she's a really sweet and respectful person; and two, she needed to practice! And what better practice than a horribly uncomfortable trans individual who has never had an actual massage before in his life? A few days later I scooted over to her place. She had a massage ...

In 2005 female impersonator Flotilla DeBarge, the "Empress of Large" posed for PETA's "Fur Is a Drag" ad spoofing Star Jones' penchant for wearing pelts. Since then it has stirred up quite a lot of controversy and discussion among the trans community. Last week I read a blog post titled Using Transphobia to Fight Animal Abuse from the Trans Group Blog where the author interprets this ad campaign as perpetuating transphobia: "In this context, fur is a "drag"--meaning it is bad, and a bloodied cross-dresser is somehow supposed to be quirky or funny. This is all in advertisement for a fashion show where cross-dressers will cat walk fur coats with fake blood and animal traps. The cat walk is just a cruel play on the walk of shame, cloaked by humor and couture no less. Look, it's a tranny with a bloody jacket! Everyone laugh." I couldn't help but think, " Yes, and what? These are cross dressers having fun and being ridic...

Yesterday my friend, Gina, came over to help me bury my little friend. We made him a grave by a cute tree that will be nourished with little bits of Socrates for years to come (it sounds creepy, but it's true). I placed his little body in there with my left hand, buried him, then went inside to comfort Ben. Ben hadn't left his little house all day. He was acting frazzled and afraid, but when I held him and cupped him in my left hand, his little nose sniffed it and he instantly calmed down. Then he licked my hand for about 10 minutes, which he'd never done before. Here's the last image of my little baby Socrates, suckling on his water bottle: Sigh . So today I'm back at work, although I feel like I've accomplished a double-flake-whammy. Over a month ago I promised to speak on an LGBQT panel today up at the University of Utah, the theme being " In the spirit of reducing hate and its companion - fear, we offer the stories of these panelists. By knowi...

Where'd Socrates go? Oh look, he's in the treats! Uh oh, he knows he's been spotted. My little rat friend, Mr. Socrates, passed away today from old age (which, for a rat, is around 3 years). Usually his friend, Ben (a big fat brown Dumbo rat) spends his evenings bobbing for edamame and running amok in my bedroom. Last night, however, he stayed in their little house cuddling and grooming Socrates all night. He also kept him warm under his layers of dumbo rat blubber. Socrates was a little black and white "fancy rat" who was the sweetest, smartest little rat friend I've ever had. I adopted him and Ben in October of 2007 from a friend who wasn't able to give them the attention and time they deserved. Despite my efforts to teach Socrates to NOT sleep in my bed, every morning I'd wake up to find him cuddled up next to me. I was terrified that I'd squish him in my sleep and wake up to rolling over and off of his lifeless body. Since he wouldn't give ...

Update! Some news and whatnot has come out this morning in regards to last night's debate: KSL.com: University hosts heated debate over gay rights The University of Utah hosted a spirited debate Thursday night between Equality Utah and the Sutherland Institute. The two groups have very differing opinions on the issue at hand: gay rights and the Common Ground Initiative. Deseret News: Groups debate Common Ground he debate between the Sutherland Institute and Equality Utah, two of the biggest players in the battle over gay rights in Utah, was scheduled and the topic selected weeks before the event took place Thursday night. The question: Should the Utah Legislature pass the Common Ground Initiative? Salt Lake Tribune: Gay-rights advocates, foes face off Gay-rights bills have been snuffed out for the 2009 legislative session, but the discussion burns on. dav.d photography: Equality Utah vs. Sutherland Institute Debate Her!  In red! What in the heck was her name? Sheri som...

I pulled the pull cord on my engine earlier tonight and the motor revved up again. Little engine that couldn't? Psssht! Who's that? Not me. So the debate tonight was something else that has compelled me stay up past my bed time, blood shot eyes and greasy needs-to-shower skin to rant and rave in my longest and most grueling blog post yet. The core of it oriented around Equality Utah presenting arguments in support of why the Utah State Legislature should pass legislation associated with the Common Ground Initiative , while the Sutherland Institute debated why these bills should not be passed. The debate began with opening comments by each side, followed by a question-and-answer exchange between both teams. The debate concluded with a terrifying Q&A from audience members (Seriously. There was an audience member who actually shouted out that gays should want to go to prison because they would get more action and another audience member compared same-sex marriage to a man...

A bit of forewarning! These next couple of posts are going to be a bit broody. See, lately I've been feeling like the little engine that couldn't . putt putt putt... Despite being surrounded by people who love and support me, some times it gets to me - the feeling that a lot of influential people in the state I've always called my home have a lot of fear and hate towards those of us who don't quite fit in the binary or heterosexual folds of life, which some of us experience in hyperdrive from a little red state bubble called Utah. Yesterday the last two bills of the Common Ground Initiative were defeated and grody, hate-filled dust has been kicked up all over the place. For example, Utah representative Chris Buttars was recently quoted as saying " Homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now, and everybody goes nuts. But I don't care. " Then, referring to LGBQT activists, " They're mean. They want to ...

I'm no longer feeling like the grime mopped off a slaughterhouse floor to make hot dogs. I'm not entirely the most energetic yet, but I'm definitely feeling my mind clicking back into action and my body feels like peddling around furiously, even in today's snow storm. This is a good thing. I canceled today's appointment with my hormone doctor after it dawned on me that my prescription allows for more refills. I'm not really hip to the prescribed medicine jive yet, see. Getting the hang of it. Still, I wanted an appointment for the prescription, but also to talk about my concerns surrounding a predicted buildup of endometrial tissue (which is usually shed during menstruation - I believe this most recent one was my last, or very near to last), especially during the first few years. I want to ask her about taking progesterone every so often to shed the excess endometrial tissue as a preventative measure. It's a bit tricky, trying to achieve a compromise ...

Here is another awkward viddy documentation of my voice change. There's a bit o' difference! In other news, yesterday was my brother's birthday. Aww, a little Valentine baby ! It was oodles of aging fun. Most of it was spent with my mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend. Speaking of family and spending time together, I have numerous traumatizing memories of scratching my dad's pimply back. Zits popping, pus and blood under my fingernails. My brother also developed backne and my mom would pop his back pimples and put medicine on them. Me, on the other hand - I've never had a back pimple . Yet, last night, there I was, head in my mom's lap while she popped my backne. Gah, seriously. The shame. I really shouldn't share this kind of flattering information. I'm becoming more of an irresistible Casanova every day. Ahem, moving on, later in the evening we went to see a picture show that lacked a single uplifting moment - ' Revolutionary Road '...

There sure seems to be a grandiose amount of reproductive humping like crazed horny wabbits around April, June, and July. And all year 'round, actually. Still, just this past week two of my friends have had birthdays. Today is another friend's birthday and tomorrow is another friend's AND my brother's birthday. And on Sunday there's, you guessed it, ANOTHER BIRTHDAY. Wha! On a slightly horrifying note, my dad e-mailed me something last week that was a bit... startling . See, my grandma is obsessed with genealogy and has compiled an extensive list of our dead and living relatives over the years. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that The Mormon Church has a big ol' collection of genealogy records to boot and that my ancestors were some of the original pioneers to come settle in Utah, land of Zion. So, my grandma bumbles along, doing her genealogical thang, and sends her list along to my pops, who then does his nerd thang which results in finding an open source...

I'm sick! Still! I've had sickly symptoms for a little over a week now. What the madness! I have a hard time falling asleep at night, then I'm horribly lethargic all day. I've been feeling a bit apathetic in general and the muscles in my upper back are really tight and sore. And phlegm city is pounding away, hardcore; which I'm sure my co-workers love listening to. I'm thinking that the symptoms are just residual from the cold I had last week. And the loss of my precious lava lamp. And the fact that my body has its hands full going through a substantial amount of change. I'm really looking forward to my next appointment with my hormone doctor to see where my levels are at and how my gooey inside pieces are handling the T. Last week I was out and aboot with my parents when my mom and dad started having a discourse about Mel n' the gym. See, for some time now I've been going every other day with my ma. We go into the womens locker room together ...

This makes my stomach turn. Just last week the Sutherland Institute, the conservative think tank behind the ' Sacred Ground Initiative ' (in opposition to basic protections for LGBQT citizens in Utah) had a meeting. My friend Jude had pre-registered for the meeting out of genuine curiosity in regards to their arguments. When he arrived, he noticed that a "NO" had been scribbled next to his name. He was told that he wasn't on the list. When he pointed out that he was, in fact, on the list, they told him to follow two men, who then escorted him away from the property. Anyway, the Sutherland Institute just released 3 highly edited clips of their "Sacred Ground" meeting with god fearin' background propaganda music. I posted one below, which I felt a bit of hesitance about. But, despite how agonizing it is, it's good to know what's stirring on the other side of the argument and what our legislators and some other Utah folk are hearing. Have ...

Be forewarned; this is going to be a bit of a whiny post. I know, I know, they all are. But this one is even whinier! I haven't been able to sleep well these past couple of weeks, which turns me into a pretty whiny human being. This has not escalated or decreased since starting T that I've noticed - the constant remains: sleep-deprivation ='s whiny. However, I've been trying to be careful about noticing any mood variations and I've been incredibly lethargic these past couple weeks. Last week I was sick with a flu of some sort. This week I have a bit of a residual cough, but there's also this very dire lava lamp situation. A few months back I inherited a ridiculous lava lamp from some nerdly friends of mine who moved. One day I decided to set it up in my room and turn it on. If that wasn't embarassing enough, it all went downhill from there. I went on to then develop a routine before going to bed where I'd light some smell good tea candles, start u...

Not too long ago all women were feminine, wanted to wear dresses, cook dinner for their husbands, and have babies. Nowadays, some women like to wear pants, some don't like cooking at all, some have no desire to procreate, some cut their hair short. Women didn't change. Culture did. (Intrinsically, I mean, as diverse individuals with a whole range of interests and modes of expression.) And, when culture allows it, a lot of diversity and variation come peeping through the grimy cracks. If we took women of today and plopped them into the 40s, it would be all kinds of gender horrifying chaos. People would be calling them mentally ill, transsexuals, cross-dressers, gender rebels, on and on. Panic in the disco! It's interesting to me, wondering how it is that I'm identifying as a person who's ' transgender ' or ' genderqueer ' and how these terms are only the most applicable because of the culture we're all living in. A byproduct of the ti...

Yesterday was injection day and also the 57th day of my transition. There were a couple of differences this time. First, I didn't feel nervous in the slightest . I was completely alone and completely at ease. This could have been due to the fact that I'm now sick and entirely out of it, but I'll just assume that it's due to my newfound self-injecting confidence. Something else happened during my injection. Once I'd slid the needle all of the way in, I slowly pressed down (which takes some considerable effort due to the thickness of the testosterone). Once I got all of it in, the needle tip detached from the syringe, but remained in my thigh. Surprisingly, this didn't cause me to feel nervous at all, although I was a bit startled. I calmly removed the needle tip from my thigh, then checked to make sure I'd gotten all of that T goop in. I did, except for maybe a drip or two. I need to get another prescription, so I made another appointment with my hormon...

The political trananigans I've discovered in Utah are vast and abundant. Just the other night, for example, I attended a trans-specific lobbyist training that was presented by Equality Utah and we had another transtacular activist meeting. Go red state go! I decided to go to this training since, well, the prospect of lobbying has always been an intimidating one to me. Not just because it sounds very foreign and daunting, but, on another level, I’ve worried that my presence would do more damage to a cause I care about than aid it just due to being gender variant and having a more non-LDS-looking appearance. Even if I spruced up, I’d worried that an LDS (Latter-day Saints/Mormon) representative, for example, wouldn’t be able to relate to me in any way, shape, or form and could even be afraid of me. I feared that it would be an entirely ineffective – even potentially damaging – experience. I’ve been feeling differently about this lately, though. On one level, being out has boos...