Skip to main content

Teenage angst, mom abuse, and a fear of suction

When I got home last night it felt like I'd entered the Twilight Zone. A backwards, pink, and glittery version with pop music. It was a whirlwind of teenagers and stereotypically teenage girl things - chatter, articles of clothing strewn about, hair products, makeup things, hair flipping, giggling, ohmygawd's. My roommate was sitting in the middle of it all in the front room, sunk into the futon with her laptop. She looked up at me and said, "I feel rude."

And then I remembered: She had asked me some time ago if I wouldn't mind if her sister and some friends stay at our apartment for a couple of nights as they passed through town. I told her it was a-okay!

I had to step over the objects and things with my bicycle to get to the kitchen where I propped it and replied, "Don't feel rude!".

Then, while slinking to my room, I saw two teenagers in the bathroom - one doing her makeup, the other brushing her hair, speaking in some high-pitched barely audible tone. Then a third was laying on my roomie's bed, seemingly chatting a love interest. I then got to my room, shut the door. Breathe, breathe...

When Nicole came swinging by a few minutes later to pick me up for a friend's Welcome Back to SLC Vegan Potluck Par-Tay, I texted her, "You must come upstairs. Just for a moment." Which she did. Came upstairs, knocked on my door, my roomie let her in, then she walked through the whirlwind I'd just experienced, got to my bedroom, shut the door, and all she could say was, "What the." THEN, later in the evening when I got home, everyone was gone except for the one girl who had been chatting happily, who was now on her phone in the front room crying.

Yesterday I went to the gym with my mom and she's the.worst presently about habitually calling me "Melanie", when I prefer"Mel" and will be legally changing it soon. She just does it out of habit since, well, she's been referring to me by that name for, oh, 26 years? When I reply, "Mom...", she'll go, "Oooh oops! Mel Mel Mel Mel Mel...". I got her to agree to practice calling me Mel by having a conversation with her a few weeks ago that went something like this:
Me: So mom, now that I'm taking T I'm going to end up being perceived as a hairy dude in a bit here. So imagine we're in a creepy steak house in the middle of Wyoming one day and you call me 'Melanie'.
Mom: Why would we be in a steak house in Wyoming?
Me: Just because.
Mom: But we wouldn't ever be in a steak house in Wyoming.
Me: Just pretend! It's hypothetical!
Mom: Okay...
Me: Okay, so imagine that a few years down the road I'm hairy and we're in that steak house in Wyoming and you call me Melanie. You'll instantly out me as trans to all the wrong people!
Mom: Oooo, I don't want that!
Me: So you need to start calling me Mel, just so you don't do that out of habit when we're in the middle of a scary, isolated town. It could happen!
Mom: Ooo, I'll practice calling you Mel! Mel Mel Mel Mel....
My poor mom. Even though it's cruel and a little wrong to exploit her protective motherly instincts like that, what must be done, must be done.

Speaking of the gym, I'm currently using the women's locker room. I've never binded before (since I've wanted chest reconstruction surgery for as long as I can remember, I've avoided binding so that I don't get excessive tissue damage that could have an impact on the outcome of surgery. I'm slowly cracking here though, especially since I'm planning to have surgery within the next couple of years, so I'll start binding on and off eventually throughout the day, including the gym.) At some point I'm predicting it will become a frequent problem to use the women's locker room and will result in various "incidents" ("ahem, staff, hello, I think there's a man in the women's locker room..."), so I'm planning to potentially take a month off from the gym, then return and start using the men's locker room instead.

Which I am NOT excited about.

While I was running on the treadmill yesterday "I'm just making myself hungrier" circled through my head the entire time, over and over, on repeat. Fortunate for me I got to fill my tummy to the brim at that Welcome Back to SLC Vegan Potluck Par-Tay. Delicious soup, some kind of cheezy chick'n pasta salad shindig, cheezy garlic bread... mmmm...

Comments

  1. "in regards to the texture of testicles I've always had this impression that they're all suctiony - like, they stick to surfaces, or make "thk thk" noises if anyone were to touch them with their tongue (like sticking one's tongue to a frozen pole and peeling it off, but a minor variant of that)."

    this is the greatest thing I have/will read all month. Maybe all year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I resent that nickname. This week has forever changed my life. I now realize I am an adult.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha! What would you prefer I called you? The nickname is ONLY to protect your anonymity. ;P

    ReplyDelete
  4. hi mel! i just found your bloggy via your myspace. the hypothetical wyoming steak house anectodote had me lolling to the max!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TrannySaurus Rex: Take 2

Transtastic shirt that my friend, Nick James , made for my birthday. Thank you, Nick!

Photo Documentation: 90 Days

I figured it was about time to do another pained and unflattering photo documentation. This cursed camera my parents gave me for Christmas. So yesterday, March 10th, marked 90 Days on Testosterone Cypionate . I also did a voice check, which I'll upload and post tomorrow. 90 Days on Testosterone Cypionate, 100mg every 2 weeks ( Click on images for larger, even less flattering versions - I'd prefer if you didn't, but the option does exist. ) Stomach (hair growth + fat redistribution): Getting some hardcore belly action where my body fat is most definitely redistributing. Ho ho ho. In addition, it's getting a tad bit hairier, which is demonstrated more clearly in the belly action shot below. Ooooh yeah, there we go. Look at therm li'l hairs! Still not enough to satisfy my cute Russian female friend, but getting there. One day. Eventually. Putt putt putt. Leg (hair growth + muscle development) A bit hairier. No difference in muscle tone that I'...

Transitioning

A few months ago I finally decided that I should see a counselor. For as long as I can remember I've been entirely physiologically disconnected from how my body started to develop throughout my teens. It's a silly and super simplified analogy, but it's like I hit puberty and suddenly a third arm started to grow from my torso and two extra eye balls grew into my head - meanwhile, my brain is mapped for two arms and two eyeballs. No matter what I do mentally to adjust to that third arm or those two extra eyeballs, my brain just won't get over feeling like it's all foreign and agonizing and doesn't belong. So, back to reality and away from my silly and simplified sci-fi analogy - with my body, it's been that way for as long as I can remember. Consciously and socially, my body is awesome. But, on some subconscious level, it has always felt very foreign. Over time, this has been taking a huge toll on my self-esteem, on my ability to have intimate relationships,...